DOI issue:
February 6, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0082
72
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 6, 1892.
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. X.—TO CROOKEDNESS.
Oblique, but formidable One,
You have frequently fixed your abode in high places.
and the man departed. Thereupon Peter informed me with glee,
that the trousers were a pair of his father's, which had been packed
in_ his portmanteau by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle con-
tained about fifty per cent, of water, that amount of brandy having
been poured off before payment was made. As Peter put it, " ± 've
done him in the eye, to prevent him doing me." I tried in vain to
Are there not recorded in history the names of kings and states- bring him round to the opinion that (let alone robbing one's father)
men whom an irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and over- cheating a cheat was one of the lowest forms of roguery. The dog-
reach, has brought to the block? The times were difficult—that fancier soon afterwards returned, and protested, with tears in his
much one may admit. Noble heads of honourable and upright
men were lopped in profusion; and it may be argued, with some
show 'of reason, that the man whose character was as flawless as
pure crystal, was like to fare as badly as the muddiest rascal of
them all, if his side sank in defeat. And yet I cannot help believing
that, in some cases at least, a man might have had a happier end if
eyes, that the shabby trick had wounded him in his tenderest feel-
ings, but he seemed quite willing to begin a fresh bargain with '' the
only gen'lemen, s'help me, as ever bested pore little Alec."
All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to illustrate
Peter's character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting,
which took place at the end of our third October term, Sheef had
he had abstained from acts of political turpitude, which were as I entered his animals for several races. He was a good rider, and
irrational in their conception as they were confidently anticipated success. To celebrate
ruinous in their effect; acts, that is, which, ^§§P^ the occasion, he had arranged a big dinner-
in the existing circumstances, no sane man Pai"ty, and had invited some twenty of us
could have undertaken unless the mere doing ffl^jmf. *° ^ne ^ ^ad keen unable to go
of these rogueries had been a supreme and a M^tVW to the races myself, but at the appointed
necessary pleasure to him. There was poor WhttM^m^ hour I turned up at Sheef's rooms. I
Charles the First. Surely, in spite of thai ^JS^^WW^Sk found the table brilliantly laid, waiters
melancholy, doomed face, he might have died jm^^W^UBmk hanging about, and dozens of Champagne
in peace if he had only played the game fairly. JSSmlmK^Unk in readiness. Sheef was there, but, beside
James the Second, too, and Marlborough, jSMWm^mSMlWmrm. mysclf, no other guest had appeared. And
the greatest Captain of his age, and Boling- /g^jpjjj^N .■^^W&SBSlwiW^%ll\^SUk n°t a single one came. 1 forget what excuse
broke, tlie eloquent philosophise^ the grave (^^^m^^^mMSK^HBsl^^^m^^mt the miserable host made, but the result was
moralist, how different might their ends have ^mm^^^^^M^^ M^^^iT^XS^mi that we two solemnly dined at a table laid
been had not you, 0 Crookedness, presided ^^MpM^^^ ■HMHipP^ for ten times our number. I think I shall
at their births, and ruled their lives. But, ^ilgps^ fflfflil^S^aS remember that ghastly festivity as long as I
avaunt, History! Here I am straying into a Hfflw8§l««Bl live. The next day'all Cambridge knew
treatise, when 1 merely intended to remind you of little j^^afwHMpSpH that Sheef had not only pulled one of his
Peter Sheef, and of his adventures. _ < W«^^afiSS horses openly and disgracefully, but had
Peter and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in fe'f^S^l^^lil wilfully misled both his friends and the
the remote past before "Johnnies," and " Chappies," TliHfflHl^^^H book-makers as to the horse he intended to
and "Mashers" had been heard of, before the "oof l^^^^^PW? ride in a race for which entries were made
bird" had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest, E^JsHmlilllfl at the post, f never heard that he stood to
or the Egyptian cigarette had asserted its universal w%^^illfifl win more than £50 by the transaction. And
sway. I daresay we differed but little (by "we" I ^MHm|||| for this paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man
mean the freshmen of our year) from those who have of his means) he had wrecked his reputation,
lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or t?^^HW|l]||| and all the possibilities of his career.
Jesus Lane. We were very young —we imagined UBi Witt 1 see him slinking about London some-
Proctors to be destitute of human feeling; we ate por- W<fSM wM| times. Last year he passed, with much dis-
tentous breakfasts of many courses, and, for the most ,fflMf||i credit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He
part, treated our allowances as though they had been so w|| M WBft\ has been a Director of countless Companies,
much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man |||| m w| for the stock of fools seems to be inex-
who had passed his thirtieth year was absurdly old, and WIJ I llfBl haustible. There can only be one end for
that nobody could be called a boy whose name had been ifflSI tlKl suca a man as *qiIEEF- The cool, callous,
entered on the books of a College. In fact, we were . _ iJplifl llOTll and calculating knave may get clear through
freshmen. _ - ^ffsjil to the end; but Sheef always was stupidly
Peter and I were a good deal thrown together during , 'V^^^B good-natured, and good-nature hangs like a
our first term. Like me, he had come up from one of j'fV millstone round the neck of rascality. I
the smaller schools, and we had not, therefore, a very ' cannot myself detest him as I ought to do.
large number of friends to start with. Peter was one
of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, good-
tempered, and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of
money. Indeed, I know that his father made him an allowance
of £800 a year, a sum which was considerably more than double
that received by the majority of his fellows. The parental
Sheef I have since discovered was a Solicitor, who had made his
mark and his fortune by the crafty defence of shady financiers in
distress, of bogus company promoters, and generally of the great race
who live in the narrow border-land which divides the merely dis-
reputable from the positively indictable. But at that time I didn't
trouble my head to inquire about Peter's father, and was content
as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends as I thought I found
them. Peter was musical; he played several instruments with
skill, and sang a capital song. With all these qualities, he soon
became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set up as a giver
of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses in the hunt-
ing season, devoted great attention to his dress, and made himself
unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature world. In
his second year be had gained a position ; most people spoke well of
him, and liked him. It only rested with Peter himself to maintain
what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of friends.
A few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter
him.
I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably im-
pressed by something that Peter did. A dog-fancier happened to
come through the street in which we both lodged, and Petek. began
to bargain with him for a fox-terrier, who, according to the fancier's
account, had a pedigree as long and as illustrious as that of a
Norman Peer. Eventually it had been agreed that the dog was to
become Peter's property in consideration of thirty shillings in cash,
a pair of trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made,
He was so near to completely successful re-
spectability. But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better
wishes. Was it altogether his own fault ?
That, as Mr. Bret Harte observes, lets me out.
I remain as before, Diogenes Robinson.
A Dangerous Title.
(To Mr. Joseph TLatton, Author of " Cigarette Papers.")
Cigarette Papers, Joseph, when properly stuffed,
Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed.
When we take them in hand, a consuming desire
Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire.
Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my joke),
They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in smoke.
From an X. J. P. to Lord Chief Justice Punch.—Sir,—Why
complain of "the Licence of the Bar ? " Of course it goes with, and
is a part of, every Licence to a Public-house granted by the
Middlesex Magistrates. I've retired some years myself, am a bit
deaf, and don't read much; but I heard just enough to warrant me
in writing to you at once on what appears to me so simple a
matter. Robert Shallow, X. J. P., M. M.
At the Sign of the Pig mid Pippin.
To the Future A.P.A.—Better luck next time, Mr. Swan. Be
satisfied that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, 11.A., i.e.,
Rara Avis. As you can plume yourself on this, so "m hoc Cygno,
vijiccs ! " Which we caninecally and not canonically for the nonce
nonce-sensically render, " In this (matter), to the Swan (wo say) you
will (go in and) win! "
t.*y- NOTICE.—U.cfcctfcd "ommuaicationa or Contributions, whether MS., Printod Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be retnrucd, noO^iven wheu accompanied by a Stamped audi Addressed Envelope, Cover, ar Wrappar. To ihu raUl
Iner* v. ill be no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 6, 1892.
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. X.—TO CROOKEDNESS.
Oblique, but formidable One,
You have frequently fixed your abode in high places.
and the man departed. Thereupon Peter informed me with glee,
that the trousers were a pair of his father's, which had been packed
in_ his portmanteau by mistake, and that the brandy-bottle con-
tained about fifty per cent, of water, that amount of brandy having
been poured off before payment was made. As Peter put it, " ± 've
done him in the eye, to prevent him doing me." I tried in vain to
Are there not recorded in history the names of kings and states- bring him round to the opinion that (let alone robbing one's father)
men whom an irresistible desire to scheme, and trick, and over- cheating a cheat was one of the lowest forms of roguery. The dog-
reach, has brought to the block? The times were difficult—that fancier soon afterwards returned, and protested, with tears in his
much one may admit. Noble heads of honourable and upright
men were lopped in profusion; and it may be argued, with some
show 'of reason, that the man whose character was as flawless as
pure crystal, was like to fare as badly as the muddiest rascal of
them all, if his side sank in defeat. And yet I cannot help believing
that, in some cases at least, a man might have had a happier end if
eyes, that the shabby trick had wounded him in his tenderest feel-
ings, but he seemed quite willing to begin a fresh bargain with '' the
only gen'lemen, s'help me, as ever bested pore little Alec."
All this is, however, by the way. I merely mention it to illustrate
Peter's character. At the University Steeple-Chase Meeting,
which took place at the end of our third October term, Sheef had
he had abstained from acts of political turpitude, which were as I entered his animals for several races. He was a good rider, and
irrational in their conception as they were confidently anticipated success. To celebrate
ruinous in their effect; acts, that is, which, ^§§P^ the occasion, he had arranged a big dinner-
in the existing circumstances, no sane man Pai"ty, and had invited some twenty of us
could have undertaken unless the mere doing ffl^jmf. *° ^ne ^ ^ad keen unable to go
of these rogueries had been a supreme and a M^tVW to the races myself, but at the appointed
necessary pleasure to him. There was poor WhttM^m^ hour I turned up at Sheef's rooms. I
Charles the First. Surely, in spite of thai ^JS^^WW^Sk found the table brilliantly laid, waiters
melancholy, doomed face, he might have died jm^^W^UBmk hanging about, and dozens of Champagne
in peace if he had only played the game fairly. JSSmlmK^Unk in readiness. Sheef was there, but, beside
James the Second, too, and Marlborough, jSMWm^mSMlWmrm. mysclf, no other guest had appeared. And
the greatest Captain of his age, and Boling- /g^jpjjj^N .■^^W&SBSlwiW^%ll\^SUk n°t a single one came. 1 forget what excuse
broke, tlie eloquent philosophise^ the grave (^^^m^^^mMSK^HBsl^^^m^^mt the miserable host made, but the result was
moralist, how different might their ends have ^mm^^^^^M^^ M^^^iT^XS^mi that we two solemnly dined at a table laid
been had not you, 0 Crookedness, presided ^^MpM^^^ ■HMHipP^ for ten times our number. I think I shall
at their births, and ruled their lives. But, ^ilgps^ fflfflil^S^aS remember that ghastly festivity as long as I
avaunt, History! Here I am straying into a Hfflw8§l««Bl live. The next day'all Cambridge knew
treatise, when 1 merely intended to remind you of little j^^afwHMpSpH that Sheef had not only pulled one of his
Peter Sheef, and of his adventures. _ < W«^^afiSS horses openly and disgracefully, but had
Peter and I were freshmen together at Cambridge in fe'f^S^l^^lil wilfully misled both his friends and the
the remote past before "Johnnies," and " Chappies," TliHfflHl^^^H book-makers as to the horse he intended to
and "Mashers" had been heard of, before the "oof l^^^^^PW? ride in a race for which entries were made
bird" had been fledged in its pink and sporting nest, E^JsHmlilllfl at the post, f never heard that he stood to
or the Egyptian cigarette had asserted its universal w%^^illfifl win more than £50 by the transaction. And
sway. I daresay we differed but little (by "we" I ^MHm|||| for this paltry sum (paltry, that is, to a man
mean the freshmen of our year) from those who have of his means) he had wrecked his reputation,
lately appeared for the first time in King's Parade, or t?^^HW|l]||| and all the possibilities of his career.
Jesus Lane. We were very young —we imagined UBi Witt 1 see him slinking about London some-
Proctors to be destitute of human feeling; we ate por- W<fSM wM| times. Last year he passed, with much dis-
tentous breakfasts of many courses, and, for the most ,fflMf||i credit, through the Bankruptcy Court. He
part, treated our allowances as though they had been so w|| M WBft\ has been a Director of countless Companies,
much pocket-money. Also we had an idea that a man |||| m w| for the stock of fools seems to be inex-
who had passed his thirtieth year was absurdly old, and WIJ I llfBl haustible. There can only be one end for
that nobody could be called a boy whose name had been ifflSI tlKl suca a man as *qiIEEF- The cool, callous,
entered on the books of a College. In fact, we were . _ iJplifl llOTll and calculating knave may get clear through
freshmen. _ - ^ffsjil to the end; but Sheef always was stupidly
Peter and I were a good deal thrown together during , 'V^^^B good-natured, and good-nature hangs like a
our first term. Like me, he had come up from one of j'fV millstone round the neck of rascality. I
the smaller schools, and we had not, therefore, a very ' cannot myself detest him as I ought to do.
large number of friends to start with. Peter was one
of the pleasantest fellows in the world, always cheerful, good-
tempered, and obliging. He always seemed to have plenty of
money. Indeed, I know that his father made him an allowance
of £800 a year, a sum which was considerably more than double
that received by the majority of his fellows. The parental
Sheef I have since discovered was a Solicitor, who had made his
mark and his fortune by the crafty defence of shady financiers in
distress, of bogus company promoters, and generally of the great race
who live in the narrow border-land which divides the merely dis-
reputable from the positively indictable. But at that time I didn't
trouble my head to inquire about Peter's father, and was content
as most Undergraduates are, to take my friends as I thought I found
them. Peter was musical; he played several instruments with
skill, and sang a capital song. With all these qualities, he soon
became, to a certain extent, popular. He then set up as a giver
of good and expensive dinners, kept a couple of horses in the hunt-
ing season, devoted great attention to his dress, and made himself
unobtrusively agreeable to the little gods of our miniature world. In
his second year be had gained a position ; most people spoke well of
him, and liked him. It only rested with Peter himself to maintain
what he had gained, and to enter on life with troops of friends.
A few moments of purposeless folly were sufficient to shatter
him.
I remember that in my first term I was not very agreeably im-
pressed by something that Peter did. A dog-fancier happened to
come through the street in which we both lodged, and Petek. began
to bargain with him for a fox-terrier, who, according to the fancier's
account, had a pedigree as long and as illustrious as that of a
Norman Peer. Eventually it had been agreed that the dog was to
become Peter's property in consideration of thirty shillings in cash,
a pair of trousers, and a bottle of brandy. The exchange was made,
He was so near to completely successful re-
spectability. But crookedness ruined him, in spite of his better
wishes. Was it altogether his own fault ?
That, as Mr. Bret Harte observes, lets me out.
I remain as before, Diogenes Robinson.
A Dangerous Title.
(To Mr. Joseph TLatton, Author of " Cigarette Papers.")
Cigarette Papers, Joseph, when properly stuffed,
Are meant, I suppose, to be zealously puffed.
When we take them in hand, a consuming desire
Attacks us to set the gay trifles on fire.
Yet, the brand being good (here's the point of my joke),
They are always enjoyed ere they vanish in smoke.
From an X. J. P. to Lord Chief Justice Punch.—Sir,—Why
complain of "the Licence of the Bar ? " Of course it goes with, and
is a part of, every Licence to a Public-house granted by the
Middlesex Magistrates. I've retired some years myself, am a bit
deaf, and don't read much; but I heard just enough to warrant me
in writing to you at once on what appears to me so simple a
matter. Robert Shallow, X. J. P., M. M.
At the Sign of the Pig mid Pippin.
To the Future A.P.A.—Better luck next time, Mr. Swan. Be
satisfied that, though at present unelected, you are Swan, 11.A., i.e.,
Rara Avis. As you can plume yourself on this, so "m hoc Cygno,
vijiccs ! " Which we caninecally and not canonically for the nonce
nonce-sensically render, " In this (matter), to the Swan (wo say) you
will (go in and) win! "
t.*y- NOTICE.—U.cfcctfcd "ommuaicationa or Contributions, whether MS., Printod Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be retnrucd, noO^iven wheu accompanied by a Stamped audi Addressed Envelope, Cover, ar Wrappar. To ihu raUl
Iner* v. ill be no exception.