Punch (102.1892)

February 20, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

87

PERFECTLY PLAIN.

Young Wife, "Oh, I'm so happy! How is it you've never Married, Miss Prymme?"

Miss Prymme. '' My dear, I never have accepted—and never would accept—any Offer of Marriage !"

[And then her Questioner began softly playing the old Air, " Nobody axed you."

THE TWO SHEPHERDS.

[Mr. John Morxey was, on Feb. 6, at Newcastle-
on-Tyne, initiated a Hon. Member of the Loyal
Order of Ancient Shepherds, and afterwards, in a
speech in the People's Palace, sharply criticised
Mr. Chamberlain's plan for Old Age Pensions,
expressing his preference for "more modest opera-
tions " in the direction of relaxing and enlarging
the provisions of the Poor Law.]

To the Tune of Burns's " The Twa Herds."

0, all ye poor and aged flocks,
Dealt with in fashion orthodox
By Bumble bodies hard as rocks,

And stern as tykes ;
And treated like mere waifs and crocks,

Or herded Smikes!

Two brother Shepherds, as men thought,
Have somehow fallen out and fought,
Though each your welfare swore he sought;

Flock-herding elves,
What can this bickering have brought

Between themselves ?

0, earnest John and jocund Joe,
How could two Shepherds shindy so.
Old Light and New Light, con. and pro ?

Now dash my buttons !
A squabbling pastor is a foe

To all poor muttons.

0 Sirs, whoe'er would have expected
That crook and pipe you'd have neglected,
By foolish love of tight infected

Concerning food ?
As though the sheep would have rejected

Aught that is good!

"What herd like Joseph could prevail ?
His voice was heard o'er hill and dale ;
He knew each sheep from head to tail

In vale or height,
And told whether 'twas sick or hale

At the first sight.

But Joe had a new-fangled plan
For feeding ancient sheep. The man
Posed as a true Arcadian,

With a great gift
For zeal humanitarian,

Combined with thrift.

But JonN replied, "Pooh-pooh! Your

scheme
Is but an optimistic dream,
Whose ' shadowy incentives ' seem

The merest spooks.
Better the ancient plans, I deem,

Food, folds, and crooks.

'' You do not grapple with the case
Of poorest sheep, a numerous race.
As to the black ones, with what face

Claim care for such ?
'Tis'hungry old sheep of good race

My feelings touch.

" Your scheme will cost no end—and fail.
No sheep who ever twitched a tail
So foolish is—I would not rail!—

As such a ' berd.'
I 'djjnodest operations' hail,

But yours ?—absurd !

" Better reform, relax, extend
The old provisions. I commend

Plenty of food, and care no end,
For all poor sheep ;

But flocks would not get poor, my friend,
Had they good keep ! "

Fancy how Joe would cock a nose
At " Cockney John," as certain foes
Called Joseph's rival. Words like those

Part Shepherd swains.
Sad when crook-wielders meet as foes

On pastoral plains !

Such two ! 0, do I live to see
Such famous pastors disagree,
Calling each other—woe is me !—■

Bad names by turns ?
Shall we not say in diction free

With Bobbie Burns ?

"[0 ! a' ye flocks, owre a' the hills
By mosses, meadows, moors and fells.
Come join your counsels and your skills

To cowe the lairds,
And get the brutes the power themsels

To choose their herds ! "

"And a Good Judge, too!"

There is a good Justice named Grantham,
Who tells lawyers truths that should haunt

There are seeds of reform ['em.

In his speech, wise as warm,
And long may he flourish—to plant 'em !

Strange but True.—When does a Hus-
band find his Wife out ? When he finds her
at home and she doesn't expect him.