Punch (102.1892)

March 5, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

113

A WILDE "TAG" TO
A TAME PLAY.

Scene—A Theatre with Audi-
ence and Company complete.
The former "smart" and lan-
guidly enthusiastic, the last
xcearily looking forward to
the final " Curtain." The
last Act is all hut over.

Servant {to Countess). The
Duchess of Batteksea is in the
Hall. May she come up ?

Countess. Certainly. Why did
you not show her up at once ?

Servant {arranging his pow-
dered hair in a glass). Because
in cases of exposure her Grace
is quite equal to showing up
herself!

Countess (smiling). You are
cynical, John. Do you not know
that cynicism is the birthright
of fools, and, when discovered,
is more than half found out ?

Servant {taking up coalscuttle).
like the hair of your Lady-
ship—out of curl! {Exit.

Countess. A quaint conceit;
but here is my husband. Let
me avoid him. A married man
is quite out of date—save when
be forms the subject of his own
obituary. {Exit.

A pause. Enter the Duchess

of Batteksea.
Duchess. Dear me! No one
here ! So I might have brought
the Duke with me, after all!
And yet he is so fond of the
petticoats. He loses his head
when he begins kissing his hand.
And I lose my head when I fail
to catch a 'buss. A kiss with
him and a 'buss with me—
where 's the difference ?

Enter Earl Pennyplaine.

Earl (angrily). You here!
Duchess [with an appealing
gesture). You are not pleased to

PORTRAIT.

necessary alteration of costume
in the presence of the audience.)
And now I will have a chair.
(Stamps, when up conies through
a trap a table supporting a
lounge), and a cup of tea.
(Another table appears through,
another trap, bringing up with
it a tray and a five o'clock set.)
And now I think we are com-
fortable. (Helps himself to tea,
smokes, 8fc.) I must tell you
I think my piece excellent. And
all the puppets that have per-
formed in it have played ex-
tremely well. I hope you like
my piece as well as 1 do myself.
I trust you are not bored with
this chatter, but I am not good
at a speech. However, as I
have to catch a train in twenty
minutes, I will tell you a story
occupying a quarter of an hour.
1 repeat, as I have to catch a
train—I repeat, as I have to
catch a train——

Entire Audience. And so have
we! {Exeunt.
(Thus the Play ends in smoke.)

HOW TO SAVE LONDON.

{Rather more than a Fairy Story.)

John Smith, of' London, sat
in front of his fire pondering
over the fact that, at a great
sacrifice to the interests of his
native city, the coal dues had
been abolished, and yet his bill
for fuel was no lighter. He
watched the embers as they died
away, when all of a sudden a
small creature appeared before
him. He could not account for
her presence, and did not notice
from whence she came. But
she was there, sure enough, and
began to address him.

"John Smith, of London,"
she began, in a small but ad-
mirably distinct voice, "I am
the Fairy Domestic Economy,
and I have come to warn you
that, unless you wake up, you

QUITE TOO-TOO PUFF1CKLY PRECIOUS!!
Being Lady Windy-mere s Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author,
see me ! You regard me as an I Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.

adventuress ! 1 ou are ashamed [-«< jie addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies,
of my past! A past unblessed pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-smoked W1.i.i,c°nje to ^ie*
bv a clergyman—in fact, a past cigarette."—Daily Telegraph.'] Wake up?" queried J. S.

without a pastor ! !—-----1 " Wake up about what P "

Earl. Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is I "Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!"
no home for old jokes! j returned the Fairy, impatiently. " Here, the election is close upon

Duchess. You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you i you, and the chances are twenty to one that you will let it pass

so badly ? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me
as a rival ? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of
thousands of pounds ? Do you know why I have done all this and
more ? I will tell you. Because I am your Mother-in-law !
Earl (in a choking voice). I suspected as much from the very first!

Re-enter the Countess, carrying a heap of family portraits.

Countess. Here, Duchess., although you are not to my liking, I
have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of bis
predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you !

Duchess (overflowing with emotion). My dear, this is too much.
(Weeps.) You vnxwoman—I should say unlady—me !

Enter Lord Tuppence Cullard.
Lord T. C. Come and marry me.

Duchess. With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy ! {Exeunt.
Earl. And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the
moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of Cleopatra.

Quick Curtain.

Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his

thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.
Author. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays

without recording your vote." "What election ? "

" Bless the man! " exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that
the Members of the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen
on Saturday, the 5th of March, and will from that date remain in
power for four years ! "

And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining
that it was in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up
before him seemed intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for
nothing. There were to be free railways, free tramways, free
bakeries, free butchers' shops, free ginger-beer manufactories, free
clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers, free gas companies, free
waterworks—in fact, everything was to be gratis.

" But somebody must pay for it! " said John Smith, of London.
"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the
paymaster. You will have to pay about five shillings in the pound
as a commencement, with additional crowns to follow ! "

" But how am I to avoid this fate ? " cried John Smith, in a tone
of genuine alarm.

"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out
the Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."

And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor
John Smith found himself sprawling upon the floor.

to do what_ one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco j " Why, I do believe I have been asleep ! " he exclaimed,
while I enjoy a smoke myself. {Throws cigars and cigarettes And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
amongst the audience d la Harry Payne.) Will you forgive me if ! stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.
I change my tail-coat for a smoking jacket ? Thank you ! (Makes the i At least it is to be hoped he will!