Punch (102.1892)

118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 5, 1892.

PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.

[" It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before,
than to do a wise thing that has never been tried."—Mr. Balfcur
in the Mouse of Commons.']

Hear the great pundit; deem him not absurd,

He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.

All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;

Trousers we love when most they need repair,

Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,

And hats all crushed and battered into holes.

Nay, we '11 go farther, and, to prove him true,

Do all the vanished ages used to do.

"We '11 crop the ears of those who preach dissent,

And at the stake teach wretches to repent.

Clad cap-d-pie in mail we '11 face our foes,

And arm our British soldiery with bows.

Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,

The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.

Proceed, brave Balfour, whom no flouts appal,

Collect stupidities and do them all.

Uneducate our men, unplough our land,

Bid heathen temples rise on every hand ;

Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,

Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.

Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,

And in a word call Chaos back again.

Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,

" Hail, hail to Balfour and Stupidity!"

PASSING IT ON."

Rupert {just hack from School, v;here he has been tremendously fagged). "Look

here, angy, if you behave decently, and don't SMASH anything, you
shall finish the jam—WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE.'"

Screwed tip at Magdalen.—Mr. G. B. Shaw had a
lively time of it at Oxford. Fancy a whole bevy of Social-
ists all cooped up together under lock and screw. What a
fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought con-
jures up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water
on the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screw-
ing, all round them. Never mind, Bernard. It was a
capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one Gr. B. S.
took care it should not be wasted.

A FUDGE FORMULA.

" To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."
That's the dictum of Fusbos, a type of our times ;
Yet Fusbos himself all his co-scribes surpasses
In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."
He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.
He might just as well urge that morality's rules
Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools ;
Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes !

completely is mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this
Fog problem, that to-night it got into House of Commons. Lord
Advocate brought in Bill allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant.
Debate went on for six hours; at end of that time discovered that
whole proceedings irregular. As involving money question, intro-
duction of Bill should have been preceded by Resolution submitted
to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly adjourned ; evening
wasted ; howls of derision from Radicals.

"Never mind," said Prince Arthur, cheerily. "Let those laugh
who win. _ This is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental
and undesigned as people think) in support of our new Fog policy."

Business done.—Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms
behind the Fog.

_ Friday.—News of Mr. Gr. speeding home over land and sea. All
his friends on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the
Sunny South. No need whatever for his return; things going on
admirably ; not missed in the least; shocking weather here; better
stay where he is.

"Ho, indeed ! " said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous
light flashing under his eyebrows. "I'mnot wanted, ain't I ? Squire
of Malwood getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without
me ; not missed in the slightest. Very well, then; I'll go home."
Maclure, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from

getting back. Made up for the Session ; fit for anything. Nothing
could have been kinder or more watchful than Nurse Rendel's care
of me; if I had been his son (which I admit is chronologically
difficult), couldn't have been better done to. Only concerned just
now for Armitstead. That young fellow, proud of his chickenhood
of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and freshen
me up. Fancy I've worn him out; instead of his taking care of
me, have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within
sound of Big Ben. Spoiling for a fight. Harcourt done very
well; but he '11 have to tuck in his tuppenny and let me over into
the Leader's place."
Business done.—Miscellaneous.

"The Meeting of the Waters."—The Engineers of London and
Birmingham have been requested, says the Daily Telegraph, to "lay
their heads together," so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot
be effected. This is an instance where to have " water on the brain "
is absolutely necessary. Odd to think that in this '' water difficulty''
are contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so
indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the
problem without getting themselves into hot water, may confi-
dently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding
Dizzy downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward"flight was hastened I to " set the Thames on fire."_

by curious dream. Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold;
some going one way, others another; each bent on his own par-
ticular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping up and taking crook in
hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to Home-Rule
fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist encamp-
ment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw
one sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.

" Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the
morning for a twenty-mile walk. "But 1 think I may as weU be

QUEER QUERIES.—Currency Reform—I see that the Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer intends to " call in " light sovereigns.
The sovereigns I have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there
be any objection to my lightening them by taking some of the gold
off, and keeping it ? This would form a nice little "metallic reserve "
for me, a thing which Mr. Goschen seems to approve of. Would
not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the new One Pound
Notes, be—" Quid, pro quo ? "—Sly-metallist.