Punch (102.1892)

120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 5, 1892.

HORACE IN LONDON.

To a Skittish Grandmother. (An Ciilorix.)

Forbear this
painted show to
strut
Of girlish toilet,
manner skit-
tish :
It may be Fin-de-
Siecle, but
It isn't British.

To dance, to swell
the betting
rank,
To rival 'Arriet
at Marlow ;
To try to break
your husband's
bank

AtMo^eCarl0' -Ham, \ k ^iSSm r3ffi#

Would ill beseem s.; §j f \W£z=&2¥Jr

your daughter
" smart; "
The vulgar slang
of bacchant
mummers,
If act you must, is
scarce the part
For sixty sum-
mers.

Let Age be decent: keep your hair

Confined, if nothing else, to one dye
I'd rather see you, I declare,
Like Mrs. Grundy !

THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.

( What it may come to.)

[" If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and com-
pete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they do, in
pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."—Daily Taper on
the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee.}

Scene—A Public Place.
Sergeant Kite and a Possible Recruit in conversation.

Sergeant Kite (continuing). Then you must remember that we are
exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.

Possible Recruit (pained). Rations! I suppose you mean courses!
I find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a
dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I
couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.

Sergeant K. (with suppressed emotion). If it must be so, then it
must. Who's to pay the piper, I don't know! The Public, I suppose.

P. R. I should think so ! Then as to drills. Really the number
of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the
hours at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to
the convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need
hardly mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was
agreed that I should never be called before 9'30 a.m. My early cup
of tea and shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.

Sergeant K. (after an interval). Called ! Early cup of tea !
Shaving-water ! Oh, this is too much!

P. R. {coolly). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?

Sergeant K. Feather-beds !

P. R. Yes. A sine qua non, I assure you. Then as to pay and pen-
sions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the
month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.

Sergeant K. (with sarcasm). And you would wish to retire at a
week's notice if war were declared ?

P. R. (surprised). Certainly! Why not ? " Peace with Honour "
would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get
if I went in for civil employment ?

Sergeant K. No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with
it. You surely would not compare the Queen's service with the
work of a beggarly counter-jumper ?

P. R. Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day
easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension
(as I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.

Sergeant K. Any other point you would like to mention ?

P. R. Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to
get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be

unable ? The principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be ex-
tended to the Army, so that if any Commanding Officer made some
stupid blunder in battle, as he probably would do, and I were to be
hurt in consequence, I might sue him when we got back to England.
You understand my point?

Sergeant K. Oh, quite ! But what would there be to prevent
every soldier present at the battle from suing also ?

P. R. Nothing at all. Of course they would all sue. So no
General must be permitted to go into action without first of all de-
positing in the High Court at home security for costs if defeated, —
say half a million or so.

Sergeant If. (with forced politeness). Well, I'm glad to have heard
your views. I '11 mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to
please him.

P. R. Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his replyj My
offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.

Sergeant K. Oh-!

[The remainder of the gallant Sergeant's observations are not
necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as
a guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit.

"THE RING AND THE BOOK."

From very early days, the days, or nights, of The Battle of
JVaterloo and Scenes in the Circle, with the once - renowned
Widdicomb as Master of the Ring, Mr. Punch has ever been parti-
cularly fond of the old-fashioned equestrian entertainment. The Ring
to which he has just made allusion is, it need hardly be added, The
Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss Amye Reade. Mr. P. is
not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in which the
chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against the
performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or
guardians by exhibiting their precocious agility. Mr. P. approves
of the ancient use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a
century ago, and he is quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil
consequences of sparing the rod; which proverbial teaching, had it
been practically and judiciously applied to Master Solomon himself
(the ancient King, not the modern Composer) in his earliest
years, would probably have prevented his going so utterly to
the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as corporal
punishment is concerned, for the
education of youth, whether in
or out of the circus school. But
girls, as well as boys, are trained
for this circus business, gaining
their livelihood by acrobatic per-
formances. Does Mr. Punch,
representing the public gener-
ally, quite approve of this por-
tion of circus and acrobatic
training ? To this he can return
only a qualified answer. His
approval would depend, first, on
the natural but extraordinary
capability of the female pupil,
and, secondly, the method of
training her. As a rule, he
would prefer to keep her oat of
it altogether: and, as to the
boys, he certainly would defer
their public appearance until
they were at least sixteen ;
their previous training having been under the supervision of a
responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals for
the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application
of a considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards
and punishments, then Mr. P. approves; but where cruelty comes
in, whether in the training of child or beast, 3fr. Punch would have
such trainer of youth punished as Nicholas Nicklcby punished
Squeers, in addition to imprisonment and fine; and for cruelty to
dumb animals Mr. P. would order the garotter's punishment and
plenty of it. Having professed this faith, Mr. Puneh, after thus
" arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would like
to know how much of truth there is in Miss Amye Reade's story
entitled, Slaves of the Sawdust f As literature it is poor stuff, but as
written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged
systematic cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the
circus-equestrian acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general
notice, but should also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some
united action of all responsible circus-managers against the author
of this work, which would result in either the said managers or the
authoress being "brought to book." Mr. Punch hath spoken.
Verb. sap.

t£g* NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures 01 any description, wiU
in no case be returned, not even wben accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rult
there will be no exception.