DOI Heft:
March 12, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0132
March 12, 1892.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
■
123
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM."
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last Train, has wandered to the end of the Platform, opened the door of the Signal-box, and watched the
Signalman's manipulations ofthe levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). " Arf o' Burt'n 'n Birrer f' me, Guv'nor ! "
" OFF HIS PEED ! "
Scene—The St. Stephen's Stables. Stall of the Favourite, " Majority,,"
who is being inspected by the great " Vet." (S-l-sb-ry) in presence of
the Groom (B-lf-r), and the Stable-help (Ch-pl-n).
Stable- help (anxiously). Why, lie used to be a stunner, and a safe
and steady runner,
And we trusted Mm, most confident, for landing us the Stakes.
Now, what can the cause of this be ? He 's a-looking queer and
quisby;
And his off fore leg seems shaky, and the rest ain't no great shakes.
Groom (sharply). Not too much of it, you Harry ! You are here to
fetch and carry,
And not to pass opinions in the presence of the Vet.
But he does look dicky, Mister ; I've tried bolus, I've tried blister,
But I haven't got him up to his old form by chalks, Sir, yet !
Vet. (dubiously)._ You're a bit new at the "biz.," lad, and I tell
you what it is, lad,—
These thoroughbreds aren't managed like a dray-horse, don'tcher
know.
They want very careful feeding, and Sangrado purge or bleeding
Won't suit our modern strain—of man or horse. Steady, lad!
Woa! [Examines him.
Groom (rather sulkily). Well, Sir, what do you make it P
Vet. Off his feed ?
Groom. _ Well, he don't take it.
Not voracious, so to speak, Sir, as he do when cherry ripe.
Vet. Ah-h-h! May want a change of diet. Eye is neither bright
nor quiet,
And his coat seems dull and roughish, though he 's sound in pulse
and pipe.
Stable-help. Don't take kindly to his fodder, and, what 1 thinks
even odder,'
With a temper like a hangel, gits a bit inclined to kick.
Landed 'Art Dyke a fair wunner !
Groom (testily). Well, you are an eighty-tonner
At superfluous patter, Harry !
Stable-help (aside). Lor! His temper's gitting quick!
What has been and popped the acid in his style so prim and placid ?
Doesn't shine like what he thought to as head-groom. Yus, there's
the rub !
Vet. (looking at sieve). Seem to shy that feed !
Groom. I mixed it with the greatest care, and fixed i
With an eye to tempt his appetite, but there, he's off his grub !
Vet. (to Stable-help). Takes your green stuff better ?
Stable-help. True, Sir!
Groom. But too much o' that won't do, Sir.
Can't live on tares entirely ! (Aside.) This here boy's too full of
beans.
Vet, Ah ! I see the whole position. He's a bit out of condition,
Wants a tonic and skilled treatment. Yes, no doubt that's what
it means.
With an appetite that's picksome comes a temper tart and tricksome,
But a pick-me-up—I '11 send one—will, I'm sure set all that square.
And if there's further wasting, then, without too headlong hasting,
Give him, as soon as possible—a little Country Air.
LORD WILDERMERE'S MOTHER-IN-LAW.
She's as bad as can be, but she's "Precious " to me,
Though her conduct cannot be called free from a flaw;
For in spite of blackmail, I have vowed ne'er to fail
In the duty I owe to my Mother-in-law.
There have been flippant sneers and conventional jeers,
At a worthy relation that I hold in awe ;
Though it angers my wife, all the joy of my life
Comes from drawing big cheques—for my Mother-in-law.
Peccadilloes she had, but she isn't all bad,
And the folks who have sneered shall their libels withdraw;
To our dance she shall come, and the world be struck dumb
At the way that I've whitewashed my Mother-in-law.
She shall rise from the slime of what people called crime,
To a virtuous height, for I always foresaw
'Twould be wise to proclaim to all ages the fame
Of that much-maligned female—a Mother-in-law.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
■
123
"THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM."
Mr. Foozler (who, while waiting for the last Train, has wandered to the end of the Platform, opened the door of the Signal-box, and watched the
Signalman's manipulations ofthe levers for some moments with hazy perplexity, suddenly). " Arf o' Burt'n 'n Birrer f' me, Guv'nor ! "
" OFF HIS PEED ! "
Scene—The St. Stephen's Stables. Stall of the Favourite, " Majority,,"
who is being inspected by the great " Vet." (S-l-sb-ry) in presence of
the Groom (B-lf-r), and the Stable-help (Ch-pl-n).
Stable- help (anxiously). Why, lie used to be a stunner, and a safe
and steady runner,
And we trusted Mm, most confident, for landing us the Stakes.
Now, what can the cause of this be ? He 's a-looking queer and
quisby;
And his off fore leg seems shaky, and the rest ain't no great shakes.
Groom (sharply). Not too much of it, you Harry ! You are here to
fetch and carry,
And not to pass opinions in the presence of the Vet.
But he does look dicky, Mister ; I've tried bolus, I've tried blister,
But I haven't got him up to his old form by chalks, Sir, yet !
Vet. (dubiously)._ You're a bit new at the "biz.," lad, and I tell
you what it is, lad,—
These thoroughbreds aren't managed like a dray-horse, don'tcher
know.
They want very careful feeding, and Sangrado purge or bleeding
Won't suit our modern strain—of man or horse. Steady, lad!
Woa! [Examines him.
Groom (rather sulkily). Well, Sir, what do you make it P
Vet. Off his feed ?
Groom. _ Well, he don't take it.
Not voracious, so to speak, Sir, as he do when cherry ripe.
Vet. Ah-h-h! May want a change of diet. Eye is neither bright
nor quiet,
And his coat seems dull and roughish, though he 's sound in pulse
and pipe.
Stable-help. Don't take kindly to his fodder, and, what 1 thinks
even odder,'
With a temper like a hangel, gits a bit inclined to kick.
Landed 'Art Dyke a fair wunner !
Groom (testily). Well, you are an eighty-tonner
At superfluous patter, Harry !
Stable-help (aside). Lor! His temper's gitting quick!
What has been and popped the acid in his style so prim and placid ?
Doesn't shine like what he thought to as head-groom. Yus, there's
the rub !
Vet. (looking at sieve). Seem to shy that feed !
Groom. I mixed it with the greatest care, and fixed i
With an eye to tempt his appetite, but there, he's off his grub !
Vet. (to Stable-help). Takes your green stuff better ?
Stable-help. True, Sir!
Groom. But too much o' that won't do, Sir.
Can't live on tares entirely ! (Aside.) This here boy's too full of
beans.
Vet, Ah ! I see the whole position. He's a bit out of condition,
Wants a tonic and skilled treatment. Yes, no doubt that's what
it means.
With an appetite that's picksome comes a temper tart and tricksome,
But a pick-me-up—I '11 send one—will, I'm sure set all that square.
And if there's further wasting, then, without too headlong hasting,
Give him, as soon as possible—a little Country Air.
LORD WILDERMERE'S MOTHER-IN-LAW.
She's as bad as can be, but she's "Precious " to me,
Though her conduct cannot be called free from a flaw;
For in spite of blackmail, I have vowed ne'er to fail
In the duty I owe to my Mother-in-law.
There have been flippant sneers and conventional jeers,
At a worthy relation that I hold in awe ;
Though it angers my wife, all the joy of my life
Comes from drawing big cheques—for my Mother-in-law.
Peccadilloes she had, but she isn't all bad,
And the folks who have sneered shall their libels withdraw;
To our dance she shall come, and the world be struck dumb
At the way that I've whitewashed my Mother-in-law.
She shall rise from the slime of what people called crime,
To a virtuous height, for I always foresaw
'Twould be wise to proclaim to all ages the fame
Of that much-maligned female—a Mother-in-law.