Punch (102.1892)

March 12, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

129

WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY IT ?

In an interesting description (that
appeared in the Times for Saturday,
February 27) of the working of the
"Jacquard Card-Preparing Machine,"
■which is, it appears, " a machine for
superseding the human brain, eye,
and hand "—(so that soon all who can
afford it will be fitted up with these
machines, and keep their brains, eyes,
and hands in reserve for very special
occasions)—it was stated that "the
blank cards are automatically fed
to the punches." That punches should
be spelt without the capital P is of
course a Printer's error, deserving
capital punishment. Mr. P. thinks
it right to state in answer to nume-
rous inquiries, that all his Punches
speak by the card. But as to even the
smallest of the Punch family being
''fed" on cards, or getting his or her
living by cards, the statement is
utterly at variance with the facts.
Mr. P. is quite sure that the
" Jacquard Automatic Beading and
Punching Syndicate" will at once
retract the injurious statement, or the
youthful, vigorous and pugnacious
Punches wiU be inquiring of Mr. P.,
as Sam Weller did of 3Ir. Pickwick
when that gentleman's great name
was apparently taken in vain, " Ain't
nobody to be whopped for takin'
this here liberty ? " that is, adapting
the question to the present occasion,
" Ain't nobody's head to be Punch'd
for this mis-use of an ancient and
honourable name ? "

The Nail - Makers' Strike. —
They refuse to work unless higher
wages are paid " down on the
nail."

^'■////

A "HUNTING FIXTURE."

Hung up on a Stile, and Hounds running like mad.

CRIES WITHOUT WOOL.

No. II.—The Growl of the Bear.

(By a Singer in " Air.")

[" In consequence of the rumour that, . . . American stocks declined heavily
. . The rumour proved totally without foundation."

Any Money - article ; any day.~\

There is little that goads us with

fiercer despair
(Those who buy, you perpend, stock,

debenture or share,
Such as speculate mainly; investors

are rare—)
Than this growl ill - conditioned of
pestilent Bear!

With a craftiness planned and a
malice unfair, [air—

Improvising a scare unsubstantial as
Now it's "war," now " disease," and

the world must prepare
For the death of, say, Gould, or a
Chilian flare;

Or the "cutting of rates:" I am

quite unaware
What it means, I declare, but it's
" cutting," I swear, [lionnaire
To a person like me, not a flush mil-
Who must " realise " scrip,—and the
canker of care.

It would seem, we could e'er so con-
veniently spare
From a world too competitive, blar-
neyed with blare,
Both the Yankee of Wall-Street, his London confrere,
And all criers of " Lost! " when no losses are there;

All the wreckers, whose lair is secure past compare,
All who batten on bones with a maw debonair,
And the carcase of Poverty torture and tear
With historical fraud, and benevolent glare.

Who will join me in sport that is novel—who '11 dare
In his prosperous pit to go baiting the " Bear,"
Who will lead him a dance, who his talons will pare,
And make summary work of this ursine affair ?

" MUST IT COME TO THIS?"

Scene—The War Office. Present Mr. Stanhope ; to him enter
Inspector-General Punch.

Mr. Stanhope. Ah, Sir, glad to see you. Can I do anything for you P

Inspector-General. Well, not for me—but you may and must do
something for those I represent—the Volunteer Officers.

Mr. Stan. Oh, you have come about them, have you ? Well, you
saw what I said about them in my Memorandum the other day t

In.-Gen. I noticed what you did not say—you hoped during
the present year to see some practical proposals.

Mr. Stan. WeU, what do you want more ?

In.-Gen. The proposals themselves.

Mr. Stan. They will come in good time.

In.-Gen. No time in this matter will be good—except the present.
Mr. Stan. Oh, you leave it to" me, you wiU see it will be all right.
In.-Gen. No—unless you attend to the matter at once—now—at
this moment.

Mr. Stan. How you do take me up ! What a hurry you are in !

In.-Gen. Shilly-shallying to the rear—action to the front. Now,
then, produce your proposals.

Mr. Stan, (reluctantly producing a paper from a pigeon-hole).
Well, here they are—(giving them)—what do you think of them ?

In.-Gen. (after a hurried perusal). Humph! At any rate let
them be published at once, that those interested may be able to come
to an immediate decision as to their utility. Do you hear, Sir ?
Adieu! [Exit.

{And if the Secretary of State for War is a wise man, he will
act upon the hint thus offered him.)