DOI Heft:
March 19, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0146
March 19, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137
The Gr. C. (aggressively from his). Here, colder than that
—as cold as you can make it—I don't care !
The B. C. {drying his face meekly on a towel). A—a
hmid-brwsh, please,, not the machine !
The S. A. No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all
the 'air off jour 'ed,Sir !
The Gr. C. Machinery for me—and your hardest brush,
do you hear ?
[(tnaether fa ( Sha11 1 Put aching on
The Loq. Ass. [ tvSJ ) y°ur 'ed> Sir ?
8. A. } tZISts). \ ,^l^yt S " ^
The B. C. (hopelessly). Oh, I don't know that it's much
good!
The S. A. "Well, you may as well keep what little you
'are got,_ Sir. Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital
thing, Sir. Known it answer in the most desprit cases.
Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and- sixpenny sizes. Can I
'aye the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny
one, Sir? (The Bald Customer musters up moral courage
to decline, at which the Assistant appears disgusted with
him.) No, Sir ? Much obliged, Sir. Let me see—(with a
touch of sarcasm)—you part your 'air a one side, I think,
Sir ? Brush your 'at, Sir ? Thankee, Sir. Pay at the
counter, if you please. Shop—there !
The Log. Ass. Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir ?
Like to look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir ? Thank you,
Sir.
[The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and instantly
recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a defiant glare
upon his rival, and walk out. with dignity. The Grizzled
Customer after prolonged self-inspection, folloivs. The
two Assistants are left alone.
The Loq. Ass. Pretty iproud of his 'air, that party, eh ?
Notice how I tumbled to him ?
The S. A. (with superiority). I heard you, o' course, but,
as I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it delicate enough!
When you've been in the profession as long as I have, and
seen as much of human nature, you '11 begin to understand
how important it is to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard me
stoop to flattery nor yet over-familiarity—and yet you can
see for yourself I manage without 'urting nobody's feelings
—however bald! That's tact, that is !
IMFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." Uisi PAGE D'AMOUR.
HOEACE IN LONDON.
To a Waiter. (Ad Puerum.)
None of your mis-
pronounced
Gallic shams,
Waiter;
Call not " Potato »
a "Pomme-de-
terre, matter
D'ottle." I'd ra-
ther you styled
it "Pertater,"
As Britons, sure,
may.
As for decor, let
the linen be
stainless—■
Crowns of exotics
are gauds for
the brainless.
Crowns, indeed!
Here's half-a-
crown; you
would gain less -p„
Oft from a qour- y%-
met. LW-
Mrs. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of The History
of the Popes (edited by F. Antrobus), "because," she says, "I
particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with
all about Eiftus the Sixth and the Humorists."
Serious Case.—A patient who doesn't want it known that there's
anything the matter with 1dm, has placed himself under the care of
Dr. Robson Roosetem Pasha, " because," he says, " his visits then
are ' sub lloose-ah !' " [Now we know what's the matter with
him.—Ed.]
A PLEA EOE THE DEFENCE.
Scene—Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. Punch discovered, to him enter
Mr. John Bull.
Mr. Punch. "Well, Mr. Bull, what can I do for you?
Mr. Bull. I want to know your opinion, Mr. Punch on the report
of Lord Wantage's Committee on Recruiting ?
Mr. P. Which of the reports, my friend ? There seem to be two
—one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government
Under-Secretary of State for War.
Mr. B. Can't they be lumped together, Mr. Punch ?
Mr. P. Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are
neither satisfactory, although they contradict one another.
Mr. B. So I think, Mr. Punch. What is to be done ?
Mr. P. I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary
question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. Bull ?
Mr. B. Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and pro-
tection. If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest
of it myself.
Mr. P. Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run.
Mr. B. To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother
about the details of security from fire.
Mr. P. Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army?
Mr. B. But I do, and a precious round sum too !
Mr. P. However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England
any and everything can be bought by money.
Mr. B. Pardon me, Mr. Punch, that's all nonsense. Abroad,
they can get soldiers at half the price that-
Mr. P. (interrupting). Quite wrong, Mr. Bull. Soldiers are just
as dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, _ the
foreigners look after the fire themselves—they become soldiers,
instead of securing substitutes.
Mr. B. What do you mean ?
Mr. P. That you must either pay the market price, or go in for
conscription. Your money—or your life !
Mr. B. Well, I really think I must consider it—I do_, indeed !
Mr. P. And the sooner the better, Mr. Bull ; and if you do not
believe me, give Lord Wantage's Committee Report a second reading.
[Scene closes in upon Mr. John Bull giving the document
reconsideration.
The Gr. C. (aggressively from his). Here, colder than that
—as cold as you can make it—I don't care !
The B. C. {drying his face meekly on a towel). A—a
hmid-brwsh, please,, not the machine !
The S. A. No, Sir, machine-brush would about sweep all
the 'air off jour 'ed,Sir !
The Gr. C. Machinery for me—and your hardest brush,
do you hear ?
[(tnaether fa ( Sha11 1 Put aching on
The Loq. Ass. [ tvSJ ) y°ur 'ed> Sir ?
8. A. } tZISts). \ ,^l^yt S " ^
The B. C. (hopelessly). Oh, I don't know that it's much
good!
The S. A. "Well, you may as well keep what little you
'are got,_ Sir. Like to try our 'Irsutine Lotion, capital
thing, Sir. Known it answer in the most desprit cases.
Keep it in 'alf-crown or three-and- sixpenny sizes. Can I
'aye the pleasure of puttin' you up a three-and-sixpenny
one, Sir? (The Bald Customer musters up moral courage
to decline, at which the Assistant appears disgusted with
him.) No, Sir ? Much obliged, Sir. Let me see—(with a
touch of sarcasm)—you part your 'air a one side, I think,
Sir ? Brush your 'at, Sir ? Thankee, Sir. Pay at the
counter, if you please. Shop—there !
The Log. Ass. Think your 'air's as you like it now, Sir ?
Like to look at yourself in a 'and-glass, Sir ? Thank you,
Sir.
[The Bald Customer puts on his hat with relief, and instantly
recovers his self-respect sufficiently to cast a defiant glare
upon his rival, and walk out. with dignity. The Grizzled
Customer after prolonged self-inspection, folloivs. The
two Assistants are left alone.
The Loq. Ass. Pretty iproud of his 'air, that party, eh ?
Notice how I tumbled to him ?
The S. A. (with superiority). I heard you, o' course, but,
as I'm always tellin' you, you don't do it delicate enough!
When you've been in the profession as long as I have, and
seen as much of human nature, you '11 begin to understand
how important it is to 'ave tact. Now you never 'eard me
stoop to flattery nor yet over-familiarity—and yet you can
see for yourself I manage without 'urting nobody's feelings
—however bald! That's tact, that is !
IMFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." Uisi PAGE D'AMOUR.
HOEACE IN LONDON.
To a Waiter. (Ad Puerum.)
None of your mis-
pronounced
Gallic shams,
Waiter;
Call not " Potato »
a "Pomme-de-
terre, matter
D'ottle." I'd ra-
ther you styled
it "Pertater,"
As Britons, sure,
may.
As for decor, let
the linen be
stainless—■
Crowns of exotics
are gauds for
the brainless.
Crowns, indeed!
Here's half-a-
crown; you
would gain less -p„
Oft from a qour- y%-
met. LW-
Mrs. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of The History
of the Popes (edited by F. Antrobus), "because," she says, "I
particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with
all about Eiftus the Sixth and the Humorists."
Serious Case.—A patient who doesn't want it known that there's
anything the matter with 1dm, has placed himself under the care of
Dr. Robson Roosetem Pasha, " because," he says, " his visits then
are ' sub lloose-ah !' " [Now we know what's the matter with
him.—Ed.]
A PLEA EOE THE DEFENCE.
Scene—Mr. Punch's Sanctum. Mr. Punch discovered, to him enter
Mr. John Bull.
Mr. Punch. "Well, Mr. Bull, what can I do for you?
Mr. Bull. I want to know your opinion, Mr. Punch on the report
of Lord Wantage's Committee on Recruiting ?
Mr. P. Which of the reports, my friend ? There seem to be two
—one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government
Under-Secretary of State for War.
Mr. B. Can't they be lumped together, Mr. Punch ?
Mr. P. Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded. They are
neither satisfactory, although they contradict one another.
Mr. B. So I think, Mr. Punch. What is to be done ?
Mr. P. I will do my best to answer you. But just as a preliminary
question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. Bull ?
Mr. B. Why, yes, certainly. I pay for guardianship and pro-
tection. If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest
of it myself.
Mr. P. Quite so. And you find it cheaper in the long run.
Mr. B. To be sure. I have got much, too much to do to bother
about the details of security from fire.
Mr. P. Again quite so. Then why don't you pay for your Army?
Mr. B. But I do, and a precious round sum too !
Mr. P. However, it is difficult to get recruits. And in England
any and everything can be bought by money.
Mr. B. Pardon me, Mr. Punch, that's all nonsense. Abroad,
they can get soldiers at half the price that-
Mr. P. (interrupting). Quite wrong, Mr. Bull. Soldiers are just
as dear on the Continent as they are here. Only, you see, _ the
foreigners look after the fire themselves—they become soldiers,
instead of securing substitutes.
Mr. B. What do you mean ?
Mr. P. That you must either pay the market price, or go in for
conscription. Your money—or your life !
Mr. B. Well, I really think I must consider it—I do_, indeed !
Mr. P. And the sooner the better, Mr. Bull ; and if you do not
believe me, give Lord Wantage's Committee Report a second reading.
[Scene closes in upon Mr. John Bull giving the document
reconsideration.