Punch (102.1892)

April 2, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 159

RATHER SMART ALL ROUND.

Lady Di. (who has been trying a Horse ivith a view to purchase). " And do you really think that he's quite up to my Weight,
Mr. Spavin ?" Spavin. "Lor ! my Lady, he'd carry Two of you ! "

Lady Di. "What? Do you mean to say that I'm only half a Horsewoman?"

Spavin. "By no means, my Lady. But another like your Ladyship would look so well on the other side!"

HOW TO REPORT THE PRACTICE OF THE CREWS.

(Newest Style.)

Scarcely had the tintinabulum fixed on
the altitude of the clock tower of the eccle-
siastical building known to fame and rowing
men as Putney Church sounded out the merry
chimes of eleven in the forenoon, when the
wielders of the sky-blue (or dark-blue) blades
were observed by the eager frequenters of the
tow-path carrying their trim-built ship to the
water's edge. Not many moments were cut
to waste before each man had safely ensconced
himself on the thwart built for him under
the experienced eyes of the champion boat-
builder. The men looked, it must in all
fairness be admitted, in the high level of
condition. In each eye there blazed a stern
determination to do or die on every possible
occasion. When the signal to start was given,
the boat was observed to move with the
bounding speed of a highly-trained grey-
hound. The oars dipped into the water like
one man, though a marked inclination was
observed on the part of two or three of the
oarsmen to "hurry," while the rest seemed
equally disposed to be "late." A few
fatherly words from the prince of modern
coaches soon had the desired effect of placing
matters on a more completely satisfactory
footing. The suggestion often made in these
columns that a swifter rate of striking should
be introduced, was acted upon. The boat
moved with perfect evenness, while the wave-
lets played round her like young dolphins
out for a holiday.
I need only add that our old friend Jupiter

Pluvius proved once again to be a kind
friend to those who tempted the dangers of
the foaming tide in Putney Reach. In con-
clusion, it must be observed that the stroke
was sometimes "short" and occasionally
"long," but the "slides" moved like things
of life, and contributed greatly to the
pleasure of a very enjoyable outing.

DESTROYING THE SPIDER'S WEB;

Or, The Thirteenth Labour of Herschclles,

" To Lion-Hearted Hercules," the strong,
Sounded the clarion of Homeric song.
" Alcides, forcefullest of all the brood
Of men enforced with need of earthly food."
Punch will sing gallant Herschelles,than whom
Who was more worthy of Alcmene's womb
Or Jovian parentage ? Behold him stand
With lion-hide on loins, and club in hand!
Forceful and formidable to all foes,
But fatal most especially to those
Of Hydra presence and Stymphalian beak,
Whose quarry is unseasoned youth, who seek
By subtle snares the Infant's steps to trip,
And catch the Minor in their harpy grip.
To his Twelve Labours, against monsters
grim,

WTio might have lived in safety but for him,
To snare, to"slay, to humbug, and to cozen,
Herschelles, just to make a baker's dozen,
Adds a Thirteenth!

A wily, wicked wight,
Dwelling in noxious nooks as dark as night,
Beyond the radius of the housemaid's broom,
And thence dispensing dire disgrace and doom

Long time our homes hath haunted. Greedy
As furtive of advance as fierce of soul, [Ghoul,
The Money-lending Spider is his name,
And grim and gruesome was his little game.
Of swollen body, of protuberant beak,
He knew that Youths were green, and

Infants weak,
And spun his web, invisible but strong,
Where'er Gray's well-named "little triflers"

throng,

Who, verily unmindful of their doom,
He watched from forth his grubby haunts o
gloom,

And strove by sinister device to lure,
Till, 'midst his viscous mazes once secure,
Them he might seize and suck.

The Birds, the Boar,
The Lion, or the Bull, all whom before
Great Herschelles had tackled^ were not worse
Than the Colossal Spider, Albion's curse,
The scourge of childish Wealth and youthful
Rank,

The Moloch of our Minors! Fathers, thank
Our new Alcides, who, with legal club,
Could dare the web assault, the Spider drub!
Worse than Tarantula venom hath the bite
Of this Conkiferous Ogre, which to fight
Herschelles did adventure!, Thump ! Bang!
Whack!

The web is burst, the Spider's on his back,
All impotently spluttering poisonous spleen
Let's hope such monster may no more be seen.
And let us hail great Herschelles, whose skill
The high-nosed horror hath availed to kill.
Blow, Infants, blow the pipe, and thump the
tabor,

In honour of the hero's Thirteenth Labour!