DOI Heft:
April 2, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0174
April 2, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAEI. 165
MATINEE MANIA.
[A Sketch at any Theatre on most afternoons.)
Scene—The Front of the House. In the Boxes and Dress-circle are
friends and relations of the Author. In the Stalls are a couple
announced, and sit down against the wall, entertaining one another
in dumb-show.). Footman [re-entering). " Sir, a roughly-dressed
stranger, who says he knew you in Norway, under an alias, requests
a few words." Sir J. " Confusion !—one of my former accomplices
in crime—my guests must not be present at this interview!"
[To Guests.) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the ad-
of Straij Critics who leave early, actors and actresses resting, jni^g room for a few minutes, and examine my collection of war-
wore friends and relations. In the Pit, the front row is filled \ weapons ? " [Guests retire, with amiable anticipations of enjoyment,
by the Author's domestic servants, the landladies of several of \ The Stranger enters, and tells another long story.) " I smile still," he
the performers, and a theatrical charwoman or two, behind them \ concludes—" but even a dead man's skull will smile. Allow me then
a sprinkling of the general public, whose time apparently hangs \ t^e privileges of death! " [At this an irreverent Pittite suddenly
heavily on their hands. In a Stage-box is the Author herself, j gUffawS) and the Audience from that moment perceives that the
with a sycophantic Companion. A murky gloom pervades the j p{ece p0Ssesses a humorous side. The Stranger goes ; the Guests
Auditorium ;^ a scratch orchestra is plaijmg a lame and tuneless \ return. Re-enter Footman). "Sir, an elderly man, who was
acquainted with your family years ago, insists on seeing you, and
will take no denial! " Villain [with presence of mind—to Guests.)
" Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the neighbouring apart-
ment, and join the dancers?" [The Guests obey. The Elderly Man
enters, and denounces Jasper, who mendaciously declares that he is
his own second cousin Joseph ; whereupon the visitor turns down his
coat-collar, and takes off a false
Schottische for the second time, to compensate for a little delay
of fifteen minutes between the first and second Tableaux in the
Second Act. The orchestra ceases, and a Checktaker at the Pit
door whistles " Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!'" Sotne restless spirits
stamp feebly.
The Author. I wish they would be a little quicker. I've a good
mind to go behind myself and
hurry them up. The audience j I beard.) " Do you know me now,
are beginning to get impatient. , Jasper Shopphn" ?" he cries.
Her Companion. But that , " J am Joseph—your second
shows how interested they are, £%®^ '! I ' cousin!" .... "What, ho, Sir
doesn't it, dear ? aJpllllifes f#fl|ll^ Insolence!" the Villain retorts.
Author. I think it ought to JP^?§pl| " And so you come to deliver me
interest them, but I did expect ^^^^m 'if.' ^iW^f to Justice ? " . . . "Not so," says
they would have shown a little ^^"^^^3 \T ^mT Joseph. " Long years ago I
more enthusiasm over that situa- ^WyWtBBSk '•• \'> swore to my dying Aunt to pro-
tion in the last tableau—they 're 1 Jr^ffffiP"^. h f> tect your reputation, even at the
rather a cold audience! ^'m^^^^^^m Jr J^BiiBJi expense of my own. I come to
Comp, It's above their heads, fcl^^^^M^^B \ Jm /wliillP^k warn you that"---&c, &c, [The
dear, that's where it is—plays JHfv 'T'Ww^m ! ' i W' fy'^^Mil^^^^. ^^S^u^1 Audience, who are now in excel-
are such rubbish nowadays, people " sWm^ll^W '''I mi\ r/i^Mijnff^^^^m^^^~ lent spirits, receive every incident
don't appreciate a really great lm$kt,« JIBSSHh w //?^wf'^P^Sw with uncontrollable merriment till
drama just at first. I do hope wSKMBrnM^SL MM* MnWllUm ■ the end of the Act. Another long
Mr. Irving, Mr. Hare and Mr. l ISI^MX'Bmw 1'; \W ml/M wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo.)
Beerbohm Tree will come in— JBlflB .) j | j I JHpW Author. Lavlnta, it's too dis-
I'm sure they '11 be only too ^^^rowMfflll^^l ^ ^^^J^^^^^^lm - ^ ' ) W- graceful—it's a deliberate con-
anxious to secure it! vfBIB^ i ^Svf^^^^^^^m' " / B/ spiracy to turn the piece into ridi-
Author. I don't know that I ^B^KiraBll«l > I vV w wP^SBIm—~~~ f cu^e" ^ never thought _ my oivn
should care for it to come out at I^^^Sffi wll\fmlm ' • ' m/% rw^BSBf relations would turn against me—
the Lyceum, but of course if the 1^M9^iHm9K^ ^^^W^^^SmMtMiw^/i and yet I might have known !
terms were very — oh, they're , i ■^^BBtfemMlM'^'^ fjjjlff'' ^^^^S^^^^^^ff/ > Comp. It wasn't the play they
beginning at last! I hope this _ J^..-«.iV ■MBHH||'ffl^\vV W^l^P^^r " - laughed at, dear—that's lovely—
light comedy scene will go well. ^^^^HnHKa ^ '^pi' but it's so ridiculously acted,
[Curtain rises: Comic dialogue mwWlKro ~~ ^^|n§|P§§F''7- y€f\f\ you know!
—nothing whatever to do with ^^^^S^^^^H^^M: ^ x \^/iff') Author. Of course the acting is
the plot—betiveen a Footman and wsM^^ ^SffliiS'^S^ C-^^^S^ I// abominable—but they might make
a Matinee Maidservant in short . |H|1 >v—T^^w^^ \ -s; // allowances for that. It is so un-
sleeves, a lace tucker, and a dia- \\ \ fH^iMl^^^^^^^ ? fair! \The Play proceeds. The.
mond necklace ; depression of i \\\\\\^^^H\^V^^8l^^^^^^^^wl " Heroine's jealousy has been ex-
audience. Serious characters \ \l \\\ \\ A^^B^^Wffl^^^^^^^^^l 4^.n^, cited by the Villain, for vague
enter and tell one another long \ \\\\ \\ v\^^HBw^lHHK^^^^^^^^y . J /^t^V5" purposes of his oivn, and the
and irrelevant stories, all about \ ' \ < \ nX-^^^^[ JM Hero is trying to disarm her
nothing. When the auditor re- \ • \ . ^^8t' x > '"'-X^ suspicions. She. "But why are
marks. "Your story is indeed a v"-fx^^^ you constantly going from Paris
fad one—but go on," a shudder ll M^f^J?^^ to London at the beck and call
goes through the house, which ^^^S^^r^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^^^C^'^ that man?" He [aside). "If
becomes a groan ten minutes later v/1^^^wXa\\^^mK \ '^!aXa^xV^ she only knew that I do it to
when the listener says: "You \™\\A\\W\V^ ^iAXXXNX shield my second cousin, Jasper
have told me your history—now \ v\\ VV\ —but my oath!—I cannot tell
hear mine!" He tells it; it «Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few words." her! (To'her.) The reason is
proves^ if possible, duller and very simple, darling—he is my
more irrelevant than the other man's. A love-scene follows, cha- i Private Secretary!" [Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drown-
racterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of " Temperance Cham-1, ing the Wife's expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence,
pagne''; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy.) i The Hero wants to go out; the Wife begs him to stay ; she has ' a
Author. That love-scene was perfectly ruined by the acting ! She presentiment of evil—a dread of something unseen, unknown.'' He
ought to have turned her head aside when he said, " Dash the tea- ! goes : the Villain enters in evening dress.) Villain. " Your husband
pot! " but she never did, and he left out all that about dreaming of is false to you. Meet me in half an hour at the lonely hut by the
her when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland! I wish they, cross-roads, and you shall have proof of his guilt." [The Wife
wouldn't have such long waits, though. We timed the piece at! departs at once, just as she is. Villain, soliloquising.)) " So—my
rehearsal, and, with the cuts I made, it Jonly played about four
hours; but I'm afraid it will take longer than that to-day.
Comp. I don't care how long it is—it's so beautifully written !
Author. Well, I put my whole soul into it, you know; but it's
not till this next Act that I show my full power. {Curtain rises on
a drawing-room, furnished with dingy wrecks from the property
diabolical schemes prosper. I have got Joseph out of the way by
stratagem, decoyed his wife—my early love—to a lonely hut, where
my minions wait to seize her. Now to abduct the child, destroy the
certificate of vaccination which alone stands between me and a
Peerage, set fire to the home of my ancestors, accuse Joseph of all
my crimes, and take my seat in the House of Lords as the Earl of
room—the home of Jasper, the Villain, who is about to give an ] Addelegg! Ha-ha—a good night's work! a good-" Joseph
evening party. Enter a hooded crone. "Sir Jasper, I have a| [from back). " Not so. I have heard all. I will not have it. You
secret of importance, which can only be revealed to your private ! shall not! [fyc, fyc.) Villain. " You would thwart my schemes ? "
ear!" [Shivers of apprehension amongst the audience.) Sir J.
'Certainly, go into yonder apartment, and await me there."
[Sigh of relief from spectators.) A Footman. "Sir, the guests wait! "
Sir J. [with lordly ease). "Bid them enter!" [They troop in un-
Joseph [firmly). " I would. My wife and child shall not-" [fyc.,
&c.) Villain [slowly). " And the oath you swore to my Mother, your
dying Aunt, would you break that?" Joseph [overcome). "My
oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I must not break it. Jasper
MATINEE MANIA.
[A Sketch at any Theatre on most afternoons.)
Scene—The Front of the House. In the Boxes and Dress-circle are
friends and relations of the Author. In the Stalls are a couple
announced, and sit down against the wall, entertaining one another
in dumb-show.). Footman [re-entering). " Sir, a roughly-dressed
stranger, who says he knew you in Norway, under an alias, requests
a few words." Sir J. " Confusion !—one of my former accomplices
in crime—my guests must not be present at this interview!"
[To Guests.) "Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the ad-
of Straij Critics who leave early, actors and actresses resting, jni^g room for a few minutes, and examine my collection of war-
wore friends and relations. In the Pit, the front row is filled \ weapons ? " [Guests retire, with amiable anticipations of enjoyment,
by the Author's domestic servants, the landladies of several of \ The Stranger enters, and tells another long story.) " I smile still," he
the performers, and a theatrical charwoman or two, behind them \ concludes—" but even a dead man's skull will smile. Allow me then
a sprinkling of the general public, whose time apparently hangs \ t^e privileges of death! " [At this an irreverent Pittite suddenly
heavily on their hands. In a Stage-box is the Author herself, j gUffawS) and the Audience from that moment perceives that the
with a sycophantic Companion. A murky gloom pervades the j p{ece p0Ssesses a humorous side. The Stranger goes ; the Guests
Auditorium ;^ a scratch orchestra is plaijmg a lame and tuneless \ return. Re-enter Footman). "Sir, an elderly man, who was
acquainted with your family years ago, insists on seeing you, and
will take no denial! " Villain [with presence of mind—to Guests.)
" Ladies and Gentlemen, will you step into the neighbouring apart-
ment, and join the dancers?" [The Guests obey. The Elderly Man
enters, and denounces Jasper, who mendaciously declares that he is
his own second cousin Joseph ; whereupon the visitor turns down his
coat-collar, and takes off a false
Schottische for the second time, to compensate for a little delay
of fifteen minutes between the first and second Tableaux in the
Second Act. The orchestra ceases, and a Checktaker at the Pit
door whistles " Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!'" Sotne restless spirits
stamp feebly.
The Author. I wish they would be a little quicker. I've a good
mind to go behind myself and
hurry them up. The audience j I beard.) " Do you know me now,
are beginning to get impatient. , Jasper Shopphn" ?" he cries.
Her Companion. But that , " J am Joseph—your second
shows how interested they are, £%®^ '! I ' cousin!" .... "What, ho, Sir
doesn't it, dear ? aJpllllifes f#fl|ll^ Insolence!" the Villain retorts.
Author. I think it ought to JP^?§pl| " And so you come to deliver me
interest them, but I did expect ^^^^m 'if.' ^iW^f to Justice ? " . . . "Not so," says
they would have shown a little ^^"^^^3 \T ^mT Joseph. " Long years ago I
more enthusiasm over that situa- ^WyWtBBSk '•• \'> swore to my dying Aunt to pro-
tion in the last tableau—they 're 1 Jr^ffffiP"^. h f> tect your reputation, even at the
rather a cold audience! ^'m^^^^^^m Jr J^BiiBJi expense of my own. I come to
Comp, It's above their heads, fcl^^^^M^^B \ Jm /wliillP^k warn you that"---&c, &c, [The
dear, that's where it is—plays JHfv 'T'Ww^m ! ' i W' fy'^^Mil^^^^. ^^S^u^1 Audience, who are now in excel-
are such rubbish nowadays, people " sWm^ll^W '''I mi\ r/i^Mijnff^^^^m^^^~ lent spirits, receive every incident
don't appreciate a really great lm$kt,« JIBSSHh w //?^wf'^P^Sw with uncontrollable merriment till
drama just at first. I do hope wSKMBrnM^SL MM* MnWllUm ■ the end of the Act. Another long
Mr. Irving, Mr. Hare and Mr. l ISI^MX'Bmw 1'; \W ml/M wait, enlivened by a piccolo solo.)
Beerbohm Tree will come in— JBlflB .) j | j I JHpW Author. Lavlnta, it's too dis-
I'm sure they '11 be only too ^^^rowMfflll^^l ^ ^^^J^^^^^^lm - ^ ' ) W- graceful—it's a deliberate con-
anxious to secure it! vfBIB^ i ^Svf^^^^^^^m' " / B/ spiracy to turn the piece into ridi-
Author. I don't know that I ^B^KiraBll«l > I vV w wP^SBIm—~~~ f cu^e" ^ never thought _ my oivn
should care for it to come out at I^^^Sffi wll\fmlm ' • ' m/% rw^BSBf relations would turn against me—
the Lyceum, but of course if the 1^M9^iHm9K^ ^^^W^^^SmMtMiw^/i and yet I might have known !
terms were very — oh, they're , i ■^^BBtfemMlM'^'^ fjjjlff'' ^^^^S^^^^^^ff/ > Comp. It wasn't the play they
beginning at last! I hope this _ J^..-«.iV ■MBHH||'ffl^\vV W^l^P^^r " - laughed at, dear—that's lovely—
light comedy scene will go well. ^^^^HnHKa ^ '^pi' but it's so ridiculously acted,
[Curtain rises: Comic dialogue mwWlKro ~~ ^^|n§|P§§F''7- y€f\f\ you know!
—nothing whatever to do with ^^^^S^^^^H^^M: ^ x \^/iff') Author. Of course the acting is
the plot—betiveen a Footman and wsM^^ ^SffliiS'^S^ C-^^^S^ I// abominable—but they might make
a Matinee Maidservant in short . |H|1 >v—T^^w^^ \ -s; // allowances for that. It is so un-
sleeves, a lace tucker, and a dia- \\ \ fH^iMl^^^^^^^ ? fair! \The Play proceeds. The.
mond necklace ; depression of i \\\\\\^^^H\^V^^8l^^^^^^^^wl " Heroine's jealousy has been ex-
audience. Serious characters \ \l \\\ \\ A^^B^^Wffl^^^^^^^^^l 4^.n^, cited by the Villain, for vague
enter and tell one another long \ \\\\ \\ v\^^HBw^lHHK^^^^^^^^y . J /^t^V5" purposes of his oivn, and the
and irrelevant stories, all about \ ' \ < \ nX-^^^^[ JM Hero is trying to disarm her
nothing. When the auditor re- \ • \ . ^^8t' x > '"'-X^ suspicions. She. "But why are
marks. "Your story is indeed a v"-fx^^^ you constantly going from Paris
fad one—but go on," a shudder ll M^f^J?^^ to London at the beck and call
goes through the house, which ^^^S^^r^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^^^C^'^ that man?" He [aside). "If
becomes a groan ten minutes later v/1^^^wXa\\^^mK \ '^!aXa^xV^ she only knew that I do it to
when the listener says: "You \™\\A\\W\V^ ^iAXXXNX shield my second cousin, Jasper
have told me your history—now \ v\\ VV\ —but my oath!—I cannot tell
hear mine!" He tells it; it «Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few words." her! (To'her.) The reason is
proves^ if possible, duller and very simple, darling—he is my
more irrelevant than the other man's. A love-scene follows, cha- i Private Secretary!" [Roars of inextinguishable laughter, drown-
racterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of " Temperance Cham-1, ing the Wife's expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence,
pagne''; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy.) i The Hero wants to go out; the Wife begs him to stay ; she has ' a
Author. That love-scene was perfectly ruined by the acting ! She presentiment of evil—a dread of something unseen, unknown.'' He
ought to have turned her head aside when he said, " Dash the tea- ! goes : the Villain enters in evening dress.) Villain. " Your husband
pot! " but she never did, and he left out all that about dreaming of is false to you. Meet me in half an hour at the lonely hut by the
her when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland! I wish they, cross-roads, and you shall have proof of his guilt." [The Wife
wouldn't have such long waits, though. We timed the piece at! departs at once, just as she is. Villain, soliloquising.)) " So—my
rehearsal, and, with the cuts I made, it Jonly played about four
hours; but I'm afraid it will take longer than that to-day.
Comp. I don't care how long it is—it's so beautifully written !
Author. Well, I put my whole soul into it, you know; but it's
not till this next Act that I show my full power. {Curtain rises on
a drawing-room, furnished with dingy wrecks from the property
diabolical schemes prosper. I have got Joseph out of the way by
stratagem, decoyed his wife—my early love—to a lonely hut, where
my minions wait to seize her. Now to abduct the child, destroy the
certificate of vaccination which alone stands between me and a
Peerage, set fire to the home of my ancestors, accuse Joseph of all
my crimes, and take my seat in the House of Lords as the Earl of
room—the home of Jasper, the Villain, who is about to give an ] Addelegg! Ha-ha—a good night's work! a good-" Joseph
evening party. Enter a hooded crone. "Sir Jasper, I have a| [from back). " Not so. I have heard all. I will not have it. You
secret of importance, which can only be revealed to your private ! shall not! [fyc, fyc.) Villain. " You would thwart my schemes ? "
ear!" [Shivers of apprehension amongst the audience.) Sir J.
'Certainly, go into yonder apartment, and await me there."
[Sigh of relief from spectators.) A Footman. "Sir, the guests wait! "
Sir J. [with lordly ease). "Bid them enter!" [They troop in un-
Joseph [firmly). " I would. My wife and child shall not-" [fyc.,
&c.) Villain [slowly). " And the oath you swore to my Mother, your
dying Aunt, would you break that?" Joseph [overcome). "My
oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I must not break it. Jasper