DOI issue:
April 16, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0193
184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apeil 16, 1892.
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. XII.—TO PLAUSIBILITY.
Dear Old Plait,
hear you have been seen about again with Geniality.
Poor Geniality, it may fee admitted, is often something1 of a fool when
by a crushing majority over a native pork-merehant who had nothing
but his straightforward honesty to commend him. Of course there
was a petition, and equally of course Gorton "svas unseated. Then
came the reckoning. Gorton had apparently intimated that two of
the great London political Clubs were so warmly interested in his
candidature as to have undertaken to pay all his expenses. But
he is by himself, but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you j when application was made to these institutions, their secretaries
are a deadly pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog—you will perceive i prof essed a complete and chilling ignorance of Gorton, and the
the analogy by-and-by—who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye i deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London in search
terrier. By himself Rufus was a mild and inoffensive giant. He : of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place, after
adored the house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with j wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on the
the care of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him London pavements. But Gorton was undaunted. He actually
placidly extended before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a published an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of
sleeping box, and once he was observed to help that anxious tabby- j men who betrayed their friends with golden words, arid abandoned
mother with the toilet of her kittens by licking them carefully all
over. At every lick of Rufus's huge prehensile tongue a kitten was
lifted bodily into the air, only, however, to descend washed and un-
harmed to the ground. But out of doors, in the society of Flick,
Rufus1s whole nature seemed to change. He became a demon-ex-
terminator of cats. Led on by his yelping little friend, he chased
them fiercely to their last retreats, and, if he caught them, masticated
them without mercy. Once too, on a morning that had been appointed
them shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said,
would he abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywbacket. Others
might shuffle, and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to
remain firm, faithful, and incorruptible 'amidst the seething waves
of political turpitude.
Haying issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more
for six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again.
He was engaged in the completion of an immense work of genea-
for a big covert-shoot, I noticed this strangely assorted pair come logical research, which was intended to cast an entirely new
into the breakfast-room panting and dirty. They were not usually light on many obscure incidents of English history. For this he
afoot before breakfast. What =========——__- solicited encouragement — and
could their condition mean? A ------^Z^r^^^^^^^^^^^S^Z subscriptions. He enclosed with
flustered keeper arrived shortly -^^^^^^■~^^^^;r--r^^^^^^^^_t^_■ his appeals some specimen pages,
afterwards and explained every- -f=^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^m!jf^^^^f^^Z which appeared to promise mar-
thing. " Them two dogs o'yourn, "^^^^^^^^SM^^^pBp^fes^g^"-"^_ vels of industry and research. His
Sir," he said, "the big 'un and _r=;:^^^^^^^^^^»^^^^^^^^^^^r-v^^^^s__ preface was a wonderful essay, of
the little 'un, 'ave run all the '':^'^^^^^^^MmSf^^ ■ which a Ha yward would scarcely
coverts through. There's not a ''^^^^^^Rjl^H \ / \U ff \ / -"'" ' ~~'~::jz: "have been ashamed. In this way
pheasant left in 'em. They're -i^^l^^^V ^M^m x/^m ii J I l^SBSgS^^^^ he gathered a large amount of
sailin'all over the country." "i cWj^g/ft^" Wm$> iffl//1 ' " ' money from historical enthusiasts
The truth was that Flick had =^lP_lsig ^^M'^yPlMl A ^Mm^Mm/iW^^^S^S^. with more ardour thanknowledge,
organised the expedition with '.fa|||y -y A:mmjMjiw /fMm^W^ M% ' and from old friends who, knowing
extraordinary secrecy and cun- -^fl^w , " OTJR> ™iB$nrTr /f I Vf" his real ability, believed that he
ning. He had persuaded Rufus 'I^^P^'^^^^'wQ,' JJ A'i^W^ / 'hi %■ f~:'~~ ' had at last determined to justify
to join him, and the result was h3MM ■ ^^^wMma^m/^,Hm^m^mZw^ vm^^y^^ the opinions of him which they
that we shot forty pheasants in- ~ '^^P^^^^^SmIIt ''^Wlm^^^^/Aw§^^^^^' had always held and expressed,
stead of the three hundred on *^g?gL^M^P^^^^iif WW^^^/^y^^^^^^^^^ I* is unnecessary to add that not
which we had counted. ✓^"^^^^^^^^^^^^-^j - V^^^^^P^ another line was written. For
Now, my dear Plat;, I merely ^a^^P^^^^P^^^^M^^^^fe^j^^P^^g^S^ several years ill health was sup-
record this little story, and leave v ^ zzX*ffi*sffim^ iS^^^^^g^^8^^^^11--^: posed to hinder him. We read
you to apply it. But I may remind A^^lvW*^^^k "wSM^m^^^^^^ piteous stories of his struggles
you of incidents that touch you f'U VI^^/jlTwWvyW^^^^^^^^^^^^— against the agonies of neuralgia
more nearly. Do you remember ^WtMrnMiy^ ~*~ and rheumatics, some of us threw
Gorton ? Many years ago Gorton 1 ' good money after bad in the effort
went to Oxford with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the
University could confer was held to be within his grasp. His contem-
poraries looked upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to
rise to the top of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was
really a delightful fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his
friends all worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford.
His success was certain; it was merely a question as to who should be
second. On the evening before the examination began, there was a
strange commotion in Gorton's College. Gorton, who was supposed
to have been reading hard, was found at about twelve o'clock in the
quad in his nightgown. He was on all fours, and was engaged in
eating grass and roaring out ribald snatches of Latin songs in a
shrill voice. When the porter approached him he said he ;was a
hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he intended to fly to
Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried up to bed raving
horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and in a week he
was himself again. But by that time, of course, the examination
was over, and Dubbin was soon afterwards announced as the
successful competitor.
Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the
madness of Gorton was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up
job, for he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy.
He had not worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he
became temporarily insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his repu-
tation for scholarship. He left Oxford without taking a degree,
and owing money right and left—to tradesmen, to his friends, to his
tutor. Then he disappeared for some years.
Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough
constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. Gorton happened
to be staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candi-
date, and plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The
way that man fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous.
They came to believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a
personage at whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled
with all that was highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he
flattered them, he talked them round his little finger, he rollicked
with them, opened golden vistas of promise to everyone of them,
smiled at their wives, defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected
to relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of Perkin
Warbeck's absolute claim to the throne, and of Jack Cade's in-
dubitable royal descent remain in the scheming brain of Gorton.
Eventually the poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of
his story I need not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he
was actually in want he should wish to be thought in possession of a
large income.
1 knew a Clergyman once—at least I had every reason to believe
him to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England.
He was taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life,
while he remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good
works ; the poor adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all
thought him a pattern of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness,
and when he departed from us he went with a silver inkstand, a
dining-room clock and a purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the
parish. The odour of his sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we
discovered, with horror, that the man had never been ordained at
all! He was an impostor, masquerading under an assumed name,
but while he was with us he did good and lived a flawless life. These
matters puzzle me. Perhaps you, my dear Plait, can explain.
Yours, Diogenes Robinson.
A Rather Large Order.—Amongst the many suggested plans
for housing the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. Tate to the
Nation, is a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall
to a useful and good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed
in this connection, "At this moment the spacious building is tied
round the necks of the Members of the United Service Institution
like a white elephant."________
A Money-Lender said he had never been inside a Church since
the day he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, " With
one per cent, let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear any more.
Trying to tile Temper.—Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to
eat cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her.
5
LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
No. XII.—TO PLAUSIBILITY.
Dear Old Plait,
hear you have been seen about again with Geniality.
Poor Geniality, it may fee admitted, is often something1 of a fool when
by a crushing majority over a native pork-merehant who had nothing
but his straightforward honesty to commend him. Of course there
was a petition, and equally of course Gorton "svas unseated. Then
came the reckoning. Gorton had apparently intimated that two of
the great London political Clubs were so warmly interested in his
candidature as to have undertaken to pay all his expenses. But
he is by himself, but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you j when application was made to these institutions, their secretaries
are a deadly pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog—you will perceive i prof essed a complete and chilling ignorance of Gorton, and the
the analogy by-and-by—who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye i deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London in search
terrier. By himself Rufus was a mild and inoffensive giant. He : of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place, after
adored the house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with j wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on the
the care of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him London pavements. But Gorton was undaunted. He actually
placidly extended before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a published an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of
sleeping box, and once he was observed to help that anxious tabby- j men who betrayed their friends with golden words, arid abandoned
mother with the toilet of her kittens by licking them carefully all
over. At every lick of Rufus's huge prehensile tongue a kitten was
lifted bodily into the air, only, however, to descend washed and un-
harmed to the ground. But out of doors, in the society of Flick,
Rufus1s whole nature seemed to change. He became a demon-ex-
terminator of cats. Led on by his yelping little friend, he chased
them fiercely to their last retreats, and, if he caught them, masticated
them without mercy. Once too, on a morning that had been appointed
them shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said,
would he abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywbacket. Others
might shuffle, and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to
remain firm, faithful, and incorruptible 'amidst the seething waves
of political turpitude.
Haying issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more
for six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again.
He was engaged in the completion of an immense work of genea-
for a big covert-shoot, I noticed this strangely assorted pair come logical research, which was intended to cast an entirely new
into the breakfast-room panting and dirty. They were not usually light on many obscure incidents of English history. For this he
afoot before breakfast. What =========——__- solicited encouragement — and
could their condition mean? A ------^Z^r^^^^^^^^^^^S^Z subscriptions. He enclosed with
flustered keeper arrived shortly -^^^^^^■~^^^^;r--r^^^^^^^^_t^_■ his appeals some specimen pages,
afterwards and explained every- -f=^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^m!jf^^^^f^^Z which appeared to promise mar-
thing. " Them two dogs o'yourn, "^^^^^^^^SM^^^pBp^fes^g^"-"^_ vels of industry and research. His
Sir," he said, "the big 'un and _r=;:^^^^^^^^^^»^^^^^^^^^^^r-v^^^^s__ preface was a wonderful essay, of
the little 'un, 'ave run all the '':^'^^^^^^^MmSf^^ ■ which a Ha yward would scarcely
coverts through. There's not a ''^^^^^^Rjl^H \ / \U ff \ / -"'" ' ~~'~::jz: "have been ashamed. In this way
pheasant left in 'em. They're -i^^l^^^V ^M^m x/^m ii J I l^SBSgS^^^^ he gathered a large amount of
sailin'all over the country." "i cWj^g/ft^" Wm$> iffl//1 ' " ' money from historical enthusiasts
The truth was that Flick had =^lP_lsig ^^M'^yPlMl A ^Mm^Mm/iW^^^S^S^. with more ardour thanknowledge,
organised the expedition with '.fa|||y -y A:mmjMjiw /fMm^W^ M% ' and from old friends who, knowing
extraordinary secrecy and cun- -^fl^w , " OTJR> ™iB$nrTr /f I Vf" his real ability, believed that he
ning. He had persuaded Rufus 'I^^P^'^^^^'wQ,' JJ A'i^W^ / 'hi %■ f~:'~~ ' had at last determined to justify
to join him, and the result was h3MM ■ ^^^wMma^m/^,Hm^m^mZw^ vm^^y^^ the opinions of him which they
that we shot forty pheasants in- ~ '^^P^^^^^SmIIt ''^Wlm^^^^/Aw§^^^^^' had always held and expressed,
stead of the three hundred on *^g?gL^M^P^^^^iif WW^^^/^y^^^^^^^^^ I* is unnecessary to add that not
which we had counted. ✓^"^^^^^^^^^^^^-^j - V^^^^^P^ another line was written. For
Now, my dear Plat;, I merely ^a^^P^^^^P^^^^M^^^^fe^j^^P^^g^S^ several years ill health was sup-
record this little story, and leave v ^ zzX*ffi*sffim^ iS^^^^^g^^8^^^^11--^: posed to hinder him. We read
you to apply it. But I may remind A^^lvW*^^^k "wSM^m^^^^^^ piteous stories of his struggles
you of incidents that touch you f'U VI^^/jlTwWvyW^^^^^^^^^^^^— against the agonies of neuralgia
more nearly. Do you remember ^WtMrnMiy^ ~*~ and rheumatics, some of us threw
Gorton ? Many years ago Gorton 1 ' good money after bad in the effort
went to Oxford with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the
University could confer was held to be within his grasp. His contem-
poraries looked upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to
rise to the top of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was
really a delightful fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his
friends all worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford.
His success was certain; it was merely a question as to who should be
second. On the evening before the examination began, there was a
strange commotion in Gorton's College. Gorton, who was supposed
to have been reading hard, was found at about twelve o'clock in the
quad in his nightgown. He was on all fours, and was engaged in
eating grass and roaring out ribald snatches of Latin songs in a
shrill voice. When the porter approached him he said he ;was a
hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he intended to fly to
Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried up to bed raving
horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and in a week he
was himself again. But by that time, of course, the examination
was over, and Dubbin was soon afterwards announced as the
successful competitor.
Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the
madness of Gorton was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up
job, for he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy.
He had not worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he
became temporarily insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his repu-
tation for scholarship. He left Oxford without taking a degree,
and owing money right and left—to tradesmen, to his friends, to his
tutor. Then he disappeared for some years.
Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough
constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. Gorton happened
to be staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candi-
date, and plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The
way that man fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous.
They came to believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a
personage at whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled
with all that was highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he
flattered them, he talked them round his little finger, he rollicked
with them, opened golden vistas of promise to everyone of them,
smiled at their wives, defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected
to relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of Perkin
Warbeck's absolute claim to the throne, and of Jack Cade's in-
dubitable royal descent remain in the scheming brain of Gorton.
Eventually the poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of
his story I need not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he
was actually in want he should wish to be thought in possession of a
large income.
1 knew a Clergyman once—at least I had every reason to believe
him to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England.
He was taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life,
while he remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good
works ; the poor adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all
thought him a pattern of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness,
and when he departed from us he went with a silver inkstand, a
dining-room clock and a purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the
parish. The odour of his sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we
discovered, with horror, that the man had never been ordained at
all! He was an impostor, masquerading under an assumed name,
but while he was with us he did good and lived a flawless life. These
matters puzzle me. Perhaps you, my dear Plait, can explain.
Yours, Diogenes Robinson.
A Rather Large Order.—Amongst the many suggested plans
for housing the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. Tate to the
Nation, is a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall
to a useful and good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed
in this connection, "At this moment the spacious building is tied
round the necks of the Members of the United Service Institution
like a white elephant."________
A Money-Lender said he had never been inside a Church since
the day he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, " With
one per cent, let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear any more.
Trying to tile Temper.—Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to
eat cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her.
5