DOI issue:
April 16, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0198
April 16, 1892.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
189
ON" THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR.
Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off :
Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare
Up at the snn who banquets us with cries of
"Chair! »
Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny:
Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold,
Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani-
fold.
Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer,
Urging to purchase patent-leather boots,
Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer
suits.
Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.
Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers,
Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view.
Mine—I don't mind confessing it—are trousers
new,
These that, serene in atmosphere serenest,
Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts
the trees—
Green are the leaves, and greener than 'the
greenest
Peas!
All things must end : to-morrow may be icy:
Wither too soon the joys that freshest are ;
End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci-
gar.
Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. Htam
Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen ;
Green was the Chair I sat on—and now I am
green!
"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL."
Scene—The War Office. Sanctum of the
Commander-in-Chief. H.R.H. is seated
on a chair. To him enter {after being
properly complimented by a couple of
Grenadiers on guard over an area)
Inspector-General op Everything,
Eield-Marshal Punch.
Inspector-General {sharply). Well, Sir !
(Commander - in - Chief comes briskly to
attention.) No, your Royal Highness, you
can be seated. I don't want to disturb you
—much! And now, how is the Easter
Review getting on ?
Com.-in-Chief. First-rate, Sir. Excel-
lent, Sir! Couldn't be better, Sir !
Insp.-Gen. {dryly). I have heard those
phrases before, your Royal Highness—espe-
cially "couldn't be better"—and found
subsequently that things ought to have been
better, very much better, Sir.
Com.-in-Chief {anxiously). But I assure
you, Sir, that this time we are doing our level
best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have
thirty thousand men under arms! Think of
that, Sir—thirty thousand men !
Insp.-Gen. About the numbers of a Ger-
man Brigade, or is it a Regiment ?
Com.-in- Chief {with a forced laugh). Come,
Sir, I see you are joking! Yes, thirty thousand
men, and some of them are going down fully
equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will
march the whole way to the scene of the opera-
tions with their own regimental transport!
And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think
of that, Sir!
Insp. - Gen. And how much have you
gentlemen here had to do with that, Sir ?
Why, the Volunteers would have been left
in a state of utter unpreparedness had not
the public taken the initiative. What did
the War Office and the Horse Guards do to-
wards giving them their kit ?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, it is all right
now, Sir. And we are going to have a splen-
did time of it. The idea is that a hostile
force has landed at Deal during the early
hours of Monday morning, and-
Insp.-Gen. {interrupting). Yes, I have
read all that in the papers. But come, tell
me who is to command '?
Com.-in.-Chief {rather taken aback).
Well, Sir, the customary crew. I suppose
Billy Seymour.
Insp. Gen. {severely). I presume, your
Royal Highness, that you refer to General
Lord William Seymour, who will be in
command at Dover.
Com.-in-Chief {abashed). Certainly, Sir.
You are a little particular to-day, Sir.
Insp. Gen. {gravely). I am always par-
ticular— very particular — when I have to
deal with the Yolunteers. Well, Sir, General
Lord William Seymour, commands at Dover
—proceed, Sir ; pray proceed.
Com.-in-Chief. Then, Sir, there's General
Goodenough at Maidstone, and General
Dawson- Scott at Chatham.
Insp.-Gen. Is he a Volunteer ?
Com.-in-Chief {laughing). Why no, Sir;
of course not, Sir. Why he's in the Royal
Engineers. Although in my Crimean days
we never considered Sappers soldiers. We
used to say that-
Insp.-Gen. {severely). No levity, Sir.
And pray who else is to be in command ?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, Sir, I shall be pre-
sent myself on Saturday, and then take the
March-past on Monday.
Insp.-Gen. Yes; but how about the Volun-
teers r What about them ? Why don't you
let the officers command their own men ?
Com.-in-Chief. Why, Sir, you see in time
of war-
Insp.-Gen. {interrupting). You would find
Volunteer officers as capable as any others.
Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the
lessons taught by the war between the Nor-
therners and the Southerners in America ?
Com.-in-Chief. I have glanced at the sub-
ject, Sir, at the Royal United Service Insti-
tute. And may I venture to hope that you
are satisfied, Sir ?
Insp.-Gen. {after a pause). Well, yes, I
think you are doing better. But, in future,
give a share of the command to Volunteers
pur et simple. And now just jot down what
I have further to say to you.
[Scene closes in upon the Com.-in-Chief
taking notes.
CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.
At a recent meeting of the Institute of
Journalists, it was proposed that future candi-
dates for membership shouM undergo an
examination to test their qualifications before
election. Should the proposal be adopted, no
doubt some such paper as the following will
be set to those desirous of obtaining the right
of adding "M.I.J." to their names.
1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use
such expressions as "devouring element" or
"destructive fluid "in sending in "flimsy"
to a London Daily Paper ? State when you
would consider yourself entitled to describe
yourself " a Special."
2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a
free luncheon ? If an Editor finds himself
present, should he return thanks for the Press
himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a
bumptious Reporter.
3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel,
and say when a paper, (1) should apologise, (2)
fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court.
4. Define the difference between a '' com-
ment of public importance" and a "puffing
advertisement."
5. What is " log-rolling P " Give examples
to illustrate the meaning of the word.
G. Show, concisely, why the World could
not revolve without the Press, and why the
Press would cease to be without your own
personal assistance.
UPON JULIA'S COAT.
{After Herrick.)
Whenas my Julia wears a sack,
That hides the outline of her back,
I cry, in sore
distress, " A-
lack!"
She showed a
dainty waist
when dressed
In jacket; true,
the size con-
fessed
That whalebone
had its shape
compressed.
Still was her
form sweet
as her face,
But now what
change has
taken place!
This "sack
coat " hides
all maiden
grace.
Although men's
clothes are
always vile,
The coat, the
trousers and
the "tile"! Lenten Fashion.
Some sense still gack-Coat, nearest approach to
lingers m Sackcloth, for Lent,
each style.
But women's garments should be fair,
All graceful, gay and debonair.
And if they lack good sense, why care ?
0 Julia, cease to wear a sack,
A garb all artists should attack,
In which both sense and beauty lack !
DRINKS AND DRAMAS.
[" Henry the Eighth is a Soda-water Play."
—Mr. Irvinfs Evidence before the Committee.]
Mr. Irving has now completed his list of
refreshments suited to performances. They
can be obtained, like Mr. Goschen's reserve
of shillings, " on application," Lwhich does
not mean gratis.
Macbeth.—Very fine old Scotch.
Hamlet.—Bitters.
Romeo and Juliet.—Rum and Milk.
Othello.—Dublin Stout.
Merchant of Venice.—Port(l 'A.).
Charles the First.—Bottled- Ale (with
fine head).
The Cup.—-Tea.
Faust.—Ginger Brandy.
Much Ado About Nothing.—Benedictine.
Corsican Brothers.—Half-and-half.
189
ON" THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR.
Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off :
Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare
Up at the snn who banquets us with cries of
"Chair! »
Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny:
Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold,
Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani-
fold.
Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer,
Urging to purchase patent-leather boots,
Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer
suits.
Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.
Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers,
Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view.
Mine—I don't mind confessing it—are trousers
new,
These that, serene in atmosphere serenest,
Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts
the trees—
Green are the leaves, and greener than 'the
greenest
Peas!
All things must end : to-morrow may be icy:
Wither too soon the joys that freshest are ;
End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci-
gar.
Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. Htam
Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen ;
Green was the Chair I sat on—and now I am
green!
"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL."
Scene—The War Office. Sanctum of the
Commander-in-Chief. H.R.H. is seated
on a chair. To him enter {after being
properly complimented by a couple of
Grenadiers on guard over an area)
Inspector-General op Everything,
Eield-Marshal Punch.
Inspector-General {sharply). Well, Sir !
(Commander - in - Chief comes briskly to
attention.) No, your Royal Highness, you
can be seated. I don't want to disturb you
—much! And now, how is the Easter
Review getting on ?
Com.-in-Chief. First-rate, Sir. Excel-
lent, Sir! Couldn't be better, Sir !
Insp.-Gen. {dryly). I have heard those
phrases before, your Royal Highness—espe-
cially "couldn't be better"—and found
subsequently that things ought to have been
better, very much better, Sir.
Com.-in-Chief {anxiously). But I assure
you, Sir, that this time we are doing our level
best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have
thirty thousand men under arms! Think of
that, Sir—thirty thousand men !
Insp.-Gen. About the numbers of a Ger-
man Brigade, or is it a Regiment ?
Com.-in- Chief {with a forced laugh). Come,
Sir, I see you are joking! Yes, thirty thousand
men, and some of them are going down fully
equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will
march the whole way to the scene of the opera-
tions with their own regimental transport!
And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think
of that, Sir!
Insp. - Gen. And how much have you
gentlemen here had to do with that, Sir ?
Why, the Volunteers would have been left
in a state of utter unpreparedness had not
the public taken the initiative. What did
the War Office and the Horse Guards do to-
wards giving them their kit ?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, it is all right
now, Sir. And we are going to have a splen-
did time of it. The idea is that a hostile
force has landed at Deal during the early
hours of Monday morning, and-
Insp.-Gen. {interrupting). Yes, I have
read all that in the papers. But come, tell
me who is to command '?
Com.-in.-Chief {rather taken aback).
Well, Sir, the customary crew. I suppose
Billy Seymour.
Insp. Gen. {severely). I presume, your
Royal Highness, that you refer to General
Lord William Seymour, who will be in
command at Dover.
Com.-in-Chief {abashed). Certainly, Sir.
You are a little particular to-day, Sir.
Insp. Gen. {gravely). I am always par-
ticular— very particular — when I have to
deal with the Yolunteers. Well, Sir, General
Lord William Seymour, commands at Dover
—proceed, Sir ; pray proceed.
Com.-in-Chief. Then, Sir, there's General
Goodenough at Maidstone, and General
Dawson- Scott at Chatham.
Insp.-Gen. Is he a Volunteer ?
Com.-in-Chief {laughing). Why no, Sir;
of course not, Sir. Why he's in the Royal
Engineers. Although in my Crimean days
we never considered Sappers soldiers. We
used to say that-
Insp.-Gen. {severely). No levity, Sir.
And pray who else is to be in command ?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, Sir, I shall be pre-
sent myself on Saturday, and then take the
March-past on Monday.
Insp.-Gen. Yes; but how about the Volun-
teers r What about them ? Why don't you
let the officers command their own men ?
Com.-in-Chief. Why, Sir, you see in time
of war-
Insp.-Gen. {interrupting). You would find
Volunteer officers as capable as any others.
Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the
lessons taught by the war between the Nor-
therners and the Southerners in America ?
Com.-in-Chief. I have glanced at the sub-
ject, Sir, at the Royal United Service Insti-
tute. And may I venture to hope that you
are satisfied, Sir ?
Insp.-Gen. {after a pause). Well, yes, I
think you are doing better. But, in future,
give a share of the command to Volunteers
pur et simple. And now just jot down what
I have further to say to you.
[Scene closes in upon the Com.-in-Chief
taking notes.
CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.
At a recent meeting of the Institute of
Journalists, it was proposed that future candi-
dates for membership shouM undergo an
examination to test their qualifications before
election. Should the proposal be adopted, no
doubt some such paper as the following will
be set to those desirous of obtaining the right
of adding "M.I.J." to their names.
1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use
such expressions as "devouring element" or
"destructive fluid "in sending in "flimsy"
to a London Daily Paper ? State when you
would consider yourself entitled to describe
yourself " a Special."
2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a
free luncheon ? If an Editor finds himself
present, should he return thanks for the Press
himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a
bumptious Reporter.
3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel,
and say when a paper, (1) should apologise, (2)
fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court.
4. Define the difference between a '' com-
ment of public importance" and a "puffing
advertisement."
5. What is " log-rolling P " Give examples
to illustrate the meaning of the word.
G. Show, concisely, why the World could
not revolve without the Press, and why the
Press would cease to be without your own
personal assistance.
UPON JULIA'S COAT.
{After Herrick.)
Whenas my Julia wears a sack,
That hides the outline of her back,
I cry, in sore
distress, " A-
lack!"
She showed a
dainty waist
when dressed
In jacket; true,
the size con-
fessed
That whalebone
had its shape
compressed.
Still was her
form sweet
as her face,
But now what
change has
taken place!
This "sack
coat " hides
all maiden
grace.
Although men's
clothes are
always vile,
The coat, the
trousers and
the "tile"! Lenten Fashion.
Some sense still gack-Coat, nearest approach to
lingers m Sackcloth, for Lent,
each style.
But women's garments should be fair,
All graceful, gay and debonair.
And if they lack good sense, why care ?
0 Julia, cease to wear a sack,
A garb all artists should attack,
In which both sense and beauty lack !
DRINKS AND DRAMAS.
[" Henry the Eighth is a Soda-water Play."
—Mr. Irvinfs Evidence before the Committee.]
Mr. Irving has now completed his list of
refreshments suited to performances. They
can be obtained, like Mr. Goschen's reserve
of shillings, " on application," Lwhich does
not mean gratis.
Macbeth.—Very fine old Scotch.
Hamlet.—Bitters.
Romeo and Juliet.—Rum and Milk.
Othello.—Dublin Stout.
Merchant of Venice.—Port(l 'A.).
Charles the First.—Bottled- Ale (with
fine head).
The Cup.—-Tea.
Faust.—Ginger Brandy.
Much Ado About Nothing.—Benedictine.
Corsican Brothers.—Half-and-half.