Punch (102.1892)

244

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 21, 1892.

MEMS. OF THEATRES, &c., COMMISSION.

Me. John Hake, Lessee of the G-arrick Theatre, in his evidence
before the Theatres and Music Halls Committee, described himself,
according' to the Times Report, as having1 "been for about thirty
years an actor, and for fifteen years a manager." This gives him
forty-five vears of professional life, and saying, for example, that he
commenced his career as an actor at twenty, then his own computa-
tion brings him up to sixty-five If this be so, then Mr. John Hare,
with his elastic step, his twinkling eye, his clear enunciation, and his
energetic style, is the youngest sexagenarian to be met with on or off
the stage ; and it is probable that when he reaches the Gladstonian
age he will be more sprightly than even the Grand One himself.

In answer to a question put by Yiscount Ebeington, Mr. Edwabd
Teeby gave it as his opinion that "if officers "—he was speaking of
the army not the police—" were prouder of their uniforms, and did
not take the earliest opportunity of divesting themselves of them, the
uniform would be more respected." He ought to have put it,
"would be uniformly more respected." But how about the man
inside the uniform ? But why should a soldier wear his uniform
when off duty any more than a policeman when off duty, or any more
than a barrister should wear his wig, bands, and gown, when not
practising in the Courts ? There is one person who should always
wear a distinctive uniform, and that is a Clergyman, who is never off
duty. Perhaps this is already provided for by the Act of Uniformity.

Mr. John Holllngshead, after expressing his opinion that Mr.
Ibving had been "seeing visions,"—which of course is quite an
Irvingite characteristic,—proposed to put everything right every-
where, and be the Universal Legislator and Official Representative
of Everybody. Salary not so much an object as a comfortable home,
a recognised official position, and " No Fees." (The Commission
still sitting may perhaps dissolve itself, and appoint the last witness
as Sole Theatrical and Music Hall Commissioner, with no power to
add to his number.)

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTBACTED FROM THE DIAEY OF TOBY, M.P.

Souse of Commons, Monday, May 9.—House dealt with just now
after manner of Horticultural Exhibition at Earl's Court. Laid out
as three acres, through which Jesse Collings might be expected to
lead the cow. But, as Squiee op Malwood (a great authority on

stock matters) says, the esteemed quad-
ruped is dead, abandoned by its protector
at time of disruption of Liberal Party.
Exists now only in the form of carcass, to
be found rather in butchers' shops than
on quiet pastures. Pity, this. Difficult to
imagine any better arrangement for what
theatrical people call "properties" than
the oow—probably with a blue ribbon round
its neck—led through three acres of green
meadow by Jesse Collings, in clean smock-
frock, with a crook in his hand.

Dr. Claek says they don't drive cattle
with crooks. But that's a detail. Claek
sure to contradict in any case.

Things very quiet to-night; quite pas-
toral. Only one outburst; that arose when
Fostee accused Chahbeblain of saying
the thing that is not. Chambeelain hotly
rose, and appealed to Chairman to say
whether the Doctor-Baronet was in order.
Cotjetney said, since he was asked, he
must say he thought not. So Eostee
changed the prescription. Chaplin much
gratified at this speedy close of rupture
that threatened progress with Bill. Pre-
sided over discussion with urbanity that
Wcis irrcsistiblG

The Doctor-Baronet. "Reminds me," said Wilfbid Lawson,
looking across at Right Hon. Gentleman seated on Treasury Bench,
with deeply-bayed shirt-front, and head closely bent over copy of
Bill, " of a motherly hen gathering its brood under its wings, and
trying to make things comfortable all round. Sometimes, when one
of the brood grows a trifle importunate, the motherly expression on
the expansive face sharpens, and the chicken is pecked at. But, on
the whole, little to disturb the serenity of the coop."

Never before thought of Chaplin as an old hen. But, really,
with the place permeated with agricultural and farm-yard associa-
tions, Lawson's idea not so far out of it as it might appear to the
domestic circle at Blankney Hall.

At half-past eleven those Scotchmen came up again. Upset the
henroost, devoured what was left of the cow, dug up the verdurous
three acres, and till two o'clock in the morning harried the Commis-

sioners under the Scotch University Act. Business done.—In Com-
mittee on the Small Holdings Bill.

Tuesday.—Don't know what we shall do when Wiggin leaves us,
as he threatens to do after Dissolution. Not much here just now,
but sometimes his face seen in House or Lobbies, piercing surround-
ing gloom like what Swift MacNeill distantly alludes to as "the
orb of day." Only Wiggin could have thought of the little
divertissement that for a few
moments raised depressed
spirits of House this after-
noon. Resumed at morning
Sitting (so called because it
takes place in the afternoon)
discussion of Small Holdings
Bill. Seale-Hayne,—whose
reputation as a humorist still
lingers a tradition in the
playing fields at Eton, but
whose subsequent political
career has subdued his vi-
vacity,—moved Amendment.
Something about compensa-
tion for cow - sheds. Cobb
airily addressed the Com-
mittee ; and Chaplin whis-
pered a few confidential re-
marks across Table.

Curious how this " eminent
authority," as the Maekiss
calls quite another personage,
has lost his voice since Bill
got into Committee. Seems
so awestruck by enormity of
his responsibility, not inclined
to raise his voice above whis- ' Order. Order.

per. Effort to catch purport of his remarks completed depression
under which Committee sinking. Went out to vote as if they were
conducting Chaplin to a too early funeral. Then it was that an
idea dawned on the mind of the wanton Wiggin.

" Z'll show 'em sport, Toby, dear boy," he said to me in passing.
" J'11 give their spirits a leg up ! "

Forgotten about this in passing through Division Lobby; coming
back startled by angry roar. Cotjexney on his feet solemnly shouting
"Order, Order!" like minute-gun at sea. Nothing came of this;
excitement increased ; Cotjetney crying " Order, Order ! " in sterner
voice. Looked about for explanation, and lo ! there was the waggish
Wiggin with his hat cocked well on one side of his head, waddling
down the floor of the House past the Chair. You may do almost
anything in the House of Commons but walk about with your hat
on, and here was Wiggin, not only doing it, but persisting in the
offence, smiling back innocently on the increasing circle of Members
roaring at him, and Cotjetney, with increasing stridency, shouting
" Order! " behind his back. Having got nearly to the Bar, the wily
Wiggin, affecting to wonder
what all the row was about, turned
round and found himself pierced
through and through with the
flaming eye of outraged Chairman.
Pretty to see how, all of a sudden,
it seemed to flash upon him that
he was the culprit, and that it was
his hat at which Members, like so
many William Tells, were per-
sistently tiring. The sunset face
flushed deeper still; with quick
movement the wayward Wiggin
removed his offending hat, and,
bowing apologetically to the Chair,
went forth with quickened pace.

Excellently done; took in the
whole House, including Chairman.
But Wiggin's benevolent inten-
tion secured, and, if only tempo-
rarily, spirits of House jubilantly
rose. Business done.—In Com-
mittee on Small Holdings.

Wednesday. — Municipal Cor-
porations Act, 1882 (Amend-
ment) Bill first Order of Day.
Doesn't seem to promise anything
exciting; Debate, however, not
gone far before discovery made
that it hides a deep design.
Wouldn't think, looking at Foe- " No Forwooder!"

wood as he sits at remote end of

Treasury Bench, that he had anything to do with Hecuba, or Hecuba