DOI Heft:
May 28, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0265
256
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[May 28, 1892.
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
No. x.—the duffer ON the turf.
"A horse for a protection is a deceitful thing," as the Scotch
translator of King David has it, and I entirely agree with him. I
rather wish to he protected from a horse, than expect any succour
from a creature so large, muscular and irrational. Far from being
"courageous," as his friends say, the horse (I am not speaking of
the war-horse) is afraid of almost everything, that is why I am afraid
of him. He is a most nervous animal, and I am a nervous rider.
He is afraid of a bicycle or a wheel-barrow, which do not alarm the
most timid bipeds, and when he is afraid he shies, and when he shies
I no longer remain. Irrational he is, or he would not let people ride
him, however, I never met a horse that would let me do so. It is
with the horse as an instrument of gambling that I am concerned.
In that sense I have "backed" him, in no other sense to any
satisfactory result. With all his four legs he stumbles more than
I don't pretend to be a judge of a horse ; except for their colour
they all seem pretty much alike to me. Nor did I haunt race-courses
much, people there are often very unrefined, and the Ring is extremely
noisy and confusing. Once I heard a man offering to lay considerable
odds against the Field, and I offered in a shy and hesitating manner,
to accept them. He asked me what horse I backed ? I said none in
particular, the Field at large, all of them, for really the odds seemed
very remarkable. But he did not accede to my wishes, and continued to
shout in rather a discourteous manner. Once, too, when I had won
some money, I lost it all on the way back, at a simple sort of game of
cards, not nearly so complex and difficult as whist. One need only
to say which of three cards, in the dealer's hand, was the card one
had chosen. Yet here I was finally unsuccessful, though fortunate
at first, and I am led to suppose that some kind of sleight of hand
had been employed; or, perhaps, that the card of my choice had in
some manner been smuggled away. However, once on a racecourse
I saw a horse which I fancied on his merits. He looked very tall and
strong, and was-of a pretty colour, also he had a nice tail. He was
one does with only a pair, .---————--- ' —, hardly mentioned in the bet-
an extraordinary proof of " O , j /T~$^. "ting, and I got "on" at
his want of harmony with 2~TTo !■' fl!%T^l^it!Pr x\-iii3fo seventy to one, very reason-
his environment. • • • . ,—^ _lJL^—^ jjjffffsOlt $ y|fllHj>, ahle odds. I backed him
I was beguiled on to the • • • . L-Jm----4h! Y^^m llllMSffil then, and he won, with great
Turf by winning a small Awr\ ]'' ' ' !^v^^C' JJi^af^^^t ^rSwiML ' S apparent ease, for his jockey
family sweepstakes—£3 in ^iiPflflroiii1 • •• ''llt^ll' jip^^^^CTrMi]!TWIfl actually seemed to be hold-
fact. A sporting cousin told /TIT ml/^^\iJ**&S^ wi^^^W ^i^^B^^ Miffim, ^m *n' ratner tnan
me that I had better "put it : ;^K'^^^pm^^^^^^^^T^W • H^^^^S Ifi lllill spurring him in the regret-
on Cauliflower" who was 'Jllrlll ^b'l'iJ^'f ^^^^j^i^^^^Mm^ l '<\&l^\ table way which you some-
the favourite for The City , ' '[ U|ifyf| |J0>) ^^^s^^^^^^^^W^r^r¥^^^^^^^^^a times see. But when I went
and Suburban. He put it A ' M'W\[ f\^^^Sjr^)|\ "^^^^^^^^vtrf / 7/y'^m^§s~-1 \ ^° Tor the person with
on Cauliflower for me, and ' ,/! *i\\\A £['^ lillffjP^ ^liM^^M '':lf^ whom 1 had made my bet,
we won, so that a career of If, [17 1 ||\|^f^„^$mtW^ii&^*$ ^^Htfu ^sl M$yy^\ ^ was unaD-''e ^° find him
easy opulence seemed open. '//////// /_ jggj&Sa^ % Mf/Millu^Si^/^- \^5$3M WmWfz&&%^,,> anywhere, and I have never
Then I took to backing / ^^W^ • \ " WncS!^^S^ met him sinee> He had
horses, a brief madness. I i (/////i'///^^^^^^^^¥M IflK. WlmtiW ', /Zr^ \ Kxm^i^^^^^^S. about him ten pounds, the
read all the sporting papers, j // U/l/^^^^^\^^^^^^M^Mf ^ I "/-^~7^><A ^Wwjj^^^^P amount of my bet, which he
and came to the conclusion //////////////// fJ/ / </%\ r^rolifffi'Jfl? nafi insisted on receiving as
that the prophets are naught. //////////« nk&l WW a deposit, " not necessarily
If you look at their vaticina- '/V/ft^ ""'^^^^pM for publication," he said,
tions, you will find that they %mT w^^ag WMfM^^^M^^l WMmM^ Fwilil^vli^TO " mit as a ?uarantee of good
all select their winners out W///\ Ov, W^^ff W'^^^miiv^S^^^ ^^^^^^Jil II Wwlf faith." Race-courses are
of the first four favourites. W/M ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^sui ^^^m>^Ww mm liwkviMIri crowded, confusing places,
Anybody could do that. Now W9r^M § 1 MmWw1- and 1 doubt not' tliat so
the first four favourites do W, >^Lj§i||j|V; tiJwim^^^^MmW^^^^M! WW^I v W V/ iP*1lR^^i!';'v scrupulous a man was also
not by any means always wi wiwM^^^^^^^^^^^^W^I W ill 1 looking for me. But we
win, and, when they do, $lNl§f W W 'flMlfljlIr have never met. If this
how short are the odds you l^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^l^^M^ W ill Ji'WfW I mf"ets his eye, probably he
get—hardly worth mention- Sffife&lli(L .^S^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^i^-. f W Ml": will send a cheque for £700
mg! Horses occasionally A/\ /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^A * ml 'M M\ym<i' \ to the office of Mr. Punch.
win with odds of forty to ^S^^^r^w^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ W Wm'tlt mm ' have often regretted the
one against them, these are A i '^^^^^VlC^s^SI^^^'g^^^^^ ^ " Wj J^MrMv circumstance, as it was my
the animals of which I was rMSf^^y 'U ^i? qjj mos^ fortunate coup on the
in search, not the hackneyed ^ fi y^^^ Turf, and above all,reflected
favourites of the Press and i, , ngjffpwm^WIJa^^^wWm^^U^ W udm^^^M' credit on my judgment of a
the Public. This, I think -VH43f§'^^^ "' ^ ^^^SS^W horse-
you will find, is usually the . iU^u^^L''A v/A't^'/ i WmM Wtmmsi ^k"^^^^^^^^- * ^ ' Conversing afterwards
attitude of the Duffer, who. ^H^WBW^f^^^^M^^ with a friend on tluS eYent'
in my time, was known, I xv~ Av VvU v^\^^"MAXr// .^^3 ^U^^^ij^^^^bs. " .. ? I expressed surprise that my
cannot say why, as the . ^ \!vA> ^ 'MC^W^^^^^^'' horse had not been a fa-
" Juggins." I liked to bring ^v \^ \h.4^i" ^^^^^m^l'iWl\W%//^x"'f^ vourite, considering his
a little romance into my -^-o ' ^-^rv- K^tJ^^f^*- V{JyV\ h ' agreeable exterior,
speculations. Often I have aH,n "^^v/-^l/^ kK/^ ^l - " Why, you Juggins," he
backed a horse for his name, ^-^V^^^^o rv*^* , answered, " Rumtifoo was
for something curious, or lite- _^^"/^__" a moral — everybody knew
rary, or classical about his "Yet here I was finally unsuccessful." that' b^ e^odl knew
name. Acanthus, or 1'oaar- he wasn t meant; ne was
being kept for the Polehampton Stakes. He only won because he
gus, or Phaeton, or Lampusa has often carried my investment to an
inconspicuous position in the ruck. Another plan of mine, which I
believe every Duffer adopts, was backing my dreams—those horses of
air. About the time of the Derby one always reads about lucky
persons who backed a dream. But one does not read about the
unlucky persons who take the same precaution. Several millions of
people in this country read, talk, and think about nothing but race-
horses. When the Socialists have their way, may I advise them to
keep up_Government or communal racing studs and stables ? What
the betting is to be done in, if there is no money (which is con-
templated as I understand), is not obvious. But the people will
insist on having races, and what is a race without a bet ? However,
these considerations wander from the subject in hand. With a
fourth of the population thinking about horses, a large proportion
must dream about horses. Out of these dreams, perhaps one in one
hundred and fifty thousand comes true, and about that dream we
read in the papers. We don't read about the other dreams, such as
mine were, for I have dreamed of winning numbers, winning
colours, winning horses, but my dreams came all through the Ivory
Grate, and my money followed them.
got the better of little Botherby, his jockey, who couldn't hold
him. Why, the crowd nearly murdered him, and his master sacked
| him on the spot—the little idiot! "
I do not quite understand this explanation. Poor Pumtifoo was
"moral," like the "moral mare" mentioned by Abjstotle in the
Ethics. He did his best to win, and he did win; what else can you
ask for in a horse ?
There is, apparently, more in horse-racing than meets the eye. I
am not addicted to remembering much about the "previous per-
formances " of horses, as some men are, who will tell you that Cijnic
was third in the Kelso Hunt Cup for last year, and that you ought
to keep an eye on him for the Ayrshire Handicap. But I have
remarked that horses are not like men; they do not always run
almost equally well, though the conditions of the race seem similar.
No doubt this is owing to the nervousness of the animal, who may
be discouraged by the noise, the smell of bad tobacco, and so forth.
I have given up Racing. That was after last year's Ascot meeting.
I was staying at a country house, some days before, and somehow I
lost my betting-book. It is really extraordinary how things do get
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[May 28, 1892.
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
No. x.—the duffer ON the turf.
"A horse for a protection is a deceitful thing," as the Scotch
translator of King David has it, and I entirely agree with him. I
rather wish to he protected from a horse, than expect any succour
from a creature so large, muscular and irrational. Far from being
"courageous," as his friends say, the horse (I am not speaking of
the war-horse) is afraid of almost everything, that is why I am afraid
of him. He is a most nervous animal, and I am a nervous rider.
He is afraid of a bicycle or a wheel-barrow, which do not alarm the
most timid bipeds, and when he is afraid he shies, and when he shies
I no longer remain. Irrational he is, or he would not let people ride
him, however, I never met a horse that would let me do so. It is
with the horse as an instrument of gambling that I am concerned.
In that sense I have "backed" him, in no other sense to any
satisfactory result. With all his four legs he stumbles more than
I don't pretend to be a judge of a horse ; except for their colour
they all seem pretty much alike to me. Nor did I haunt race-courses
much, people there are often very unrefined, and the Ring is extremely
noisy and confusing. Once I heard a man offering to lay considerable
odds against the Field, and I offered in a shy and hesitating manner,
to accept them. He asked me what horse I backed ? I said none in
particular, the Field at large, all of them, for really the odds seemed
very remarkable. But he did not accede to my wishes, and continued to
shout in rather a discourteous manner. Once, too, when I had won
some money, I lost it all on the way back, at a simple sort of game of
cards, not nearly so complex and difficult as whist. One need only
to say which of three cards, in the dealer's hand, was the card one
had chosen. Yet here I was finally unsuccessful, though fortunate
at first, and I am led to suppose that some kind of sleight of hand
had been employed; or, perhaps, that the card of my choice had in
some manner been smuggled away. However, once on a racecourse
I saw a horse which I fancied on his merits. He looked very tall and
strong, and was-of a pretty colour, also he had a nice tail. He was
one does with only a pair, .---————--- ' —, hardly mentioned in the bet-
an extraordinary proof of " O , j /T~$^. "ting, and I got "on" at
his want of harmony with 2~TTo !■' fl!%T^l^it!Pr x\-iii3fo seventy to one, very reason-
his environment. • • • . ,—^ _lJL^—^ jjjffffsOlt $ y|fllHj>, ahle odds. I backed him
I was beguiled on to the • • • . L-Jm----4h! Y^^m llllMSffil then, and he won, with great
Turf by winning a small Awr\ ]'' ' ' !^v^^C' JJi^af^^^t ^rSwiML ' S apparent ease, for his jockey
family sweepstakes—£3 in ^iiPflflroiii1 • •• ''llt^ll' jip^^^^CTrMi]!TWIfl actually seemed to be hold-
fact. A sporting cousin told /TIT ml/^^\iJ**&S^ wi^^^W ^i^^B^^ Miffim, ^m *n' ratner tnan
me that I had better "put it : ;^K'^^^pm^^^^^^^^T^W • H^^^^S Ifi lllill spurring him in the regret-
on Cauliflower" who was 'Jllrlll ^b'l'iJ^'f ^^^^j^i^^^^Mm^ l '<\&l^\ table way which you some-
the favourite for The City , ' '[ U|ifyf| |J0>) ^^^s^^^^^^^^W^r^r¥^^^^^^^^^a times see. But when I went
and Suburban. He put it A ' M'W\[ f\^^^Sjr^)|\ "^^^^^^^^vtrf / 7/y'^m^§s~-1 \ ^° Tor the person with
on Cauliflower for me, and ' ,/! *i\\\A £['^ lillffjP^ ^liM^^M '':lf^ whom 1 had made my bet,
we won, so that a career of If, [17 1 ||\|^f^„^$mtW^ii&^*$ ^^Htfu ^sl M$yy^\ ^ was unaD-''e ^° find him
easy opulence seemed open. '//////// /_ jggj&Sa^ % Mf/Millu^Si^/^- \^5$3M WmWfz&&%^,,> anywhere, and I have never
Then I took to backing / ^^W^ • \ " WncS!^^S^ met him sinee> He had
horses, a brief madness. I i (/////i'///^^^^^^^^¥M IflK. WlmtiW ', /Zr^ \ Kxm^i^^^^^^S. about him ten pounds, the
read all the sporting papers, j // U/l/^^^^^\^^^^^^M^Mf ^ I "/-^~7^><A ^Wwjj^^^^P amount of my bet, which he
and came to the conclusion //////////////// fJ/ / </%\ r^rolifffi'Jfl? nafi insisted on receiving as
that the prophets are naught. //////////« nk&l WW a deposit, " not necessarily
If you look at their vaticina- '/V/ft^ ""'^^^^pM for publication," he said,
tions, you will find that they %mT w^^ag WMfM^^^M^^l WMmM^ Fwilil^vli^TO " mit as a ?uarantee of good
all select their winners out W///\ Ov, W^^ff W'^^^miiv^S^^^ ^^^^^^Jil II Wwlf faith." Race-courses are
of the first four favourites. W/M ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^sui ^^^m>^Ww mm liwkviMIri crowded, confusing places,
Anybody could do that. Now W9r^M § 1 MmWw1- and 1 doubt not' tliat so
the first four favourites do W, >^Lj§i||j|V; tiJwim^^^^MmW^^^^M! WW^I v W V/ iP*1lR^^i!';'v scrupulous a man was also
not by any means always wi wiwM^^^^^^^^^^^^W^I W ill 1 looking for me. But we
win, and, when they do, $lNl§f W W 'flMlfljlIr have never met. If this
how short are the odds you l^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^l^^M^ W ill Ji'WfW I mf"ets his eye, probably he
get—hardly worth mention- Sffife&lli(L .^S^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^i^-. f W Ml": will send a cheque for £700
mg! Horses occasionally A/\ /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^A * ml 'M M\ym<i' \ to the office of Mr. Punch.
win with odds of forty to ^S^^^r^w^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ W Wm'tlt mm ' have often regretted the
one against them, these are A i '^^^^^VlC^s^SI^^^'g^^^^^ ^ " Wj J^MrMv circumstance, as it was my
the animals of which I was rMSf^^y 'U ^i? qjj mos^ fortunate coup on the
in search, not the hackneyed ^ fi y^^^ Turf, and above all,reflected
favourites of the Press and i, , ngjffpwm^WIJa^^^wWm^^U^ W udm^^^M' credit on my judgment of a
the Public. This, I think -VH43f§'^^^ "' ^ ^^^SS^W horse-
you will find, is usually the . iU^u^^L''A v/A't^'/ i WmM Wtmmsi ^k"^^^^^^^^- * ^ ' Conversing afterwards
attitude of the Duffer, who. ^H^WBW^f^^^^M^^ with a friend on tluS eYent'
in my time, was known, I xv~ Av VvU v^\^^"MAXr// .^^3 ^U^^^ij^^^^bs. " .. ? I expressed surprise that my
cannot say why, as the . ^ \!vA> ^ 'MC^W^^^^^^'' horse had not been a fa-
" Juggins." I liked to bring ^v \^ \h.4^i" ^^^^^m^l'iWl\W%//^x"'f^ vourite, considering his
a little romance into my -^-o ' ^-^rv- K^tJ^^f^*- V{JyV\ h ' agreeable exterior,
speculations. Often I have aH,n "^^v/-^l/^ kK/^ ^l - " Why, you Juggins," he
backed a horse for his name, ^-^V^^^^o rv*^* , answered, " Rumtifoo was
for something curious, or lite- _^^"/^__" a moral — everybody knew
rary, or classical about his "Yet here I was finally unsuccessful." that' b^ e^odl knew
name. Acanthus, or 1'oaar- he wasn t meant; ne was
being kept for the Polehampton Stakes. He only won because he
gus, or Phaeton, or Lampusa has often carried my investment to an
inconspicuous position in the ruck. Another plan of mine, which I
believe every Duffer adopts, was backing my dreams—those horses of
air. About the time of the Derby one always reads about lucky
persons who backed a dream. But one does not read about the
unlucky persons who take the same precaution. Several millions of
people in this country read, talk, and think about nothing but race-
horses. When the Socialists have their way, may I advise them to
keep up_Government or communal racing studs and stables ? What
the betting is to be done in, if there is no money (which is con-
templated as I understand), is not obvious. But the people will
insist on having races, and what is a race without a bet ? However,
these considerations wander from the subject in hand. With a
fourth of the population thinking about horses, a large proportion
must dream about horses. Out of these dreams, perhaps one in one
hundred and fifty thousand comes true, and about that dream we
read in the papers. We don't read about the other dreams, such as
mine were, for I have dreamed of winning numbers, winning
colours, winning horses, but my dreams came all through the Ivory
Grate, and my money followed them.
got the better of little Botherby, his jockey, who couldn't hold
him. Why, the crowd nearly murdered him, and his master sacked
| him on the spot—the little idiot! "
I do not quite understand this explanation. Poor Pumtifoo was
"moral," like the "moral mare" mentioned by Abjstotle in the
Ethics. He did his best to win, and he did win; what else can you
ask for in a horse ?
There is, apparently, more in horse-racing than meets the eye. I
am not addicted to remembering much about the "previous per-
formances " of horses, as some men are, who will tell you that Cijnic
was third in the Kelso Hunt Cup for last year, and that you ought
to keep an eye on him for the Ayrshire Handicap. But I have
remarked that horses are not like men; they do not always run
almost equally well, though the conditions of the race seem similar.
No doubt this is owing to the nervousness of the animal, who may
be discouraged by the noise, the smell of bad tobacco, and so forth.
I have given up Racing. That was after last year's Ascot meeting.
I was staying at a country house, some days before, and somehow I
lost my betting-book. It is really extraordinary how things do get