DOI Heft:
May 28, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0273
264 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 28, 1892.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, May 16.—This looked forward to in
advance as grand field-night. Squire of Malwood been preparing
onslaught on Jokim's last Budget. Should have come off days ago,
hut Squire had other engagements in the country. Nothing to equal
Prince Arthur's accommodating spirit. If the Squire not ready to
demolish Budget, say, on Thursday, well, it shall he put off till
Monday, or even later if that day not convenient. Jokim doesn't
mind; accustomed to have his Budgets torn up, and the little pieces
returned to him postage unpaid ; would feel lonely if Budget went
through an uninterrupted course. Arranged accordingly that to-
night the great onslaught shall he delivered. The Squire judiciously
spent interval since Friday amidst quiet glades of Malwood.
" I always like, Toby," he
said, " if I get a chance, to
have Monday set apart for one
of my more important speeches.
I make a point of going to the
morning service on_ the day
which, happily still, lies 'tween
Saturday and Monday, and I
don't know anything more
conducive to the preparation
of impromptus than a good
sermon read out for space of
twenty minutes; not more,
or your wit begins to falter
and you repeat yourself ; just
twenty minutes. A moderately
comfortable pew, a voice not
too loud in the pulpit, a fairly
full congregation, and a gene-
ral sense that you 're _ doing
the right thing and setting an
example to your neighbours.
Such circumstances preceding
by some twenty-four hours my
rising in the Commons, are cal-
culated to make Jokim sit up."
Calculation on this occasion
somewhat astray. Bather hard
to sit up all the way through
Waiting"! the Squire's speech; an hour
and a half long ; bristling
with figures; mellifluous with millions, throbbing with thousands.
The Squire is in peculiar degree dependent for success upon
mood of his audience. In crowded House, Members cheering,
laughing, or, if you please, jeering and howling, the Squire improves
with every five minutes of his Speech. To-night House not a quarter
full; those present depressed with consciousness that no real fight
meant; Mr. G. sat it out with some intervals of suspicious quietude.
Henry Fowler also faithful found; sitting with folded arms
waiting for the time when a new Chancellor
of the Exchequer shall find opening made
for him on a newly-arranged Treasury Bench.
Only J okim really listened; nervous, rest-
less, murmuring comment, muttering con-
tradiction, clutching at himself with strange
gestures reminiscent of hereditary instinct
to rend his garments in moments
of tribulation. That was some-
thing in recompense for the
meditations of yesterday morning.
But as one swallow does not make
a summer, neither does one Minis-
ter, however unhappy under cri-
ticism, make an audience. Jokim
followed with a speech scrupu-
lously measured as to length by
that of the Squire's ; through the
dead unhappy night the rain of
talk fell on the roof, and every-
one was glad when midnight,
slowly coming, struck.
Business done.—Budget Reso-
lutions agreed to.
Tuesday.—Small Holdings Bill
through Committee. Last clause
added amid buzz of admiration
from a not too full House.
Hamley looked on in rapt
"•la rupt admiration! admiration.
Jessi; Colldtgs rose up and called Chaplin blessed.
"Not at all," said Chaplin, bhishing; "as my friend Toole
says from the deck of the Houseboat, anyone could do it."
"The fact is, Toby," Chaplin whispered to me a little later, as
we sat on the Terrace sharing a bottle of gingerbeer imbibed through
a couple of straws, "I've really done a clever thing, only those
fellows don't quite see it. Here we've been for a week pegging away
at this Bill, bargaining and bickering. Sometimes I've yielded
a trifle to the Opposition; sometimes I haven't. But it's pretty
much all the same in the end. The Act will look very well in the
Statute Book, and I hope will help us at the General Election. But
as far as practical use goes, I have sometimes laughed when I look
round the Committee and see Members seriously discussing the thing.
Just before the Bill was printed, Prince Arthur asked me when I
proposed the Act should come into operation. ' When are you going
to have the_ General Election ? ' I asked, by way of reply. Prince
Arthur said he couldn't exactly tell at the moment. 'Very well,'
I said; ' let us put it this way. If you 're going to dissolve at the
end of June, the Act may as well come into operation as soon as it
receives Royal Assent. But if you postpone Election over Autumn,
better fix date for Act coming into force on the first of January.'
'What d'you mean?' asked Arthur. 'I mean just this. If this
Bill's to help us at the General Election, we mustn't give time for
people to find it out.' .'Urn!' said Arthur, and he can put a
good deal of meaning into the observation."
Business done.—Small Holdings Bill in Committee.
Thursday. — Admiral Jeremiah Field pacing quarter-deck,
uttering lamentations over collapse of the Eastbourne stand against
the Salvationists. Bill amending East-
bourne Improvement Act up for Third
Reading. Jeremiah had proposed to
introduce Clause enabling inhabitants of
town to protect themselves against the
Sabbath incursions of a mob in red waist-
coats and poke bonnets, with drums, trum-
pets also, and shawms. Evidently no use ;
so the Admiral lowered his topsails, pulled
taut his lee scuppers, and sheered off.
"We're living in flabby times," he com-
plained to sympathetic House.
He heaved one sigh, then he hove-to, and
Bill read Third Time.
Truth of Admiral's remark about living
in flabby times proved through rest of
Sitting. "Don't," said George Trevel-
yan, yesterday, speaking about Russell's
Amendment on Plurality of Vote Bill—
"don't drag this ghost of a dead red-
herring across the path." Only the ima-
gination of genius could conjure up this
terrible vision. Realised it to-night when
Irish Local Government Bill took the floor,
and asked to be read a Second Time.
Thought it was as dead as a herring, red
or otherwise; but here 's its ghost filling
House with gloom. Promise of several days'
cheerful conversation. Sexton promptly
turned on fiood of everlasting talk, hope- Admiral Jeremiah Field,
lessly swamping place to begin with. Here's a Bill no one believes
Government seriously intend to proceed with; still feel bound,
having introduced it, to take Second Reading. Must show it's not
quite so ridiculous as it seemed when, three months ago, Prince
Arthur introduced it, and House laughed it off premises. Sensible
course suggested at close of Sitting by Wilfrid Lawson.
"Scandalous waste of time," he said; "the sooner we finish
Debate the better."
Sexton full of scorn for the hapless measure. Looked it all over,
and behold! there is no good thing in it. Might have said this in
ten minutes, or at most, quarter of an hour. But temptation to
straddle irresistible ; discoursed for full hour and half ; talked clean
out of Peers' Gallery Fife and Earl Spencer, who had innocently
looked in. Madden, not to be outdone, talked for another hour and
half; out of a possible seven hours' debate three appropriated by
two speakers. Quite Maddening. Afterwards, Rathbone, Johnston
(of Ballykilbeg), Webb, Coghill, Blane, and Ambrose.
A weary world, my masters!
Business done.—None.
Friday.—Morning Sitting for further discussion of Local Govern-
ment Bill. Only four Members spoke, each Member at terrible
length. At this rate quite clear, if every Member is to have his
say—and why shouldn't he P—House must sit into August before
even Second Reading stage of Bill is disposed of. Should have been
Evening Sitting, but things rapidly approaching collapse. Members
in state of coma. Couldn't get forty together; and as soon as
Speaker took chair Counted Out.
Business done.—None.
(j^ MOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wiii
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, May 16.—This looked forward to in
advance as grand field-night. Squire of Malwood been preparing
onslaught on Jokim's last Budget. Should have come off days ago,
hut Squire had other engagements in the country. Nothing to equal
Prince Arthur's accommodating spirit. If the Squire not ready to
demolish Budget, say, on Thursday, well, it shall he put off till
Monday, or even later if that day not convenient. Jokim doesn't
mind; accustomed to have his Budgets torn up, and the little pieces
returned to him postage unpaid ; would feel lonely if Budget went
through an uninterrupted course. Arranged accordingly that to-
night the great onslaught shall he delivered. The Squire judiciously
spent interval since Friday amidst quiet glades of Malwood.
" I always like, Toby," he
said, " if I get a chance, to
have Monday set apart for one
of my more important speeches.
I make a point of going to the
morning service on_ the day
which, happily still, lies 'tween
Saturday and Monday, and I
don't know anything more
conducive to the preparation
of impromptus than a good
sermon read out for space of
twenty minutes; not more,
or your wit begins to falter
and you repeat yourself ; just
twenty minutes. A moderately
comfortable pew, a voice not
too loud in the pulpit, a fairly
full congregation, and a gene-
ral sense that you 're _ doing
the right thing and setting an
example to your neighbours.
Such circumstances preceding
by some twenty-four hours my
rising in the Commons, are cal-
culated to make Jokim sit up."
Calculation on this occasion
somewhat astray. Bather hard
to sit up all the way through
Waiting"! the Squire's speech; an hour
and a half long ; bristling
with figures; mellifluous with millions, throbbing with thousands.
The Squire is in peculiar degree dependent for success upon
mood of his audience. In crowded House, Members cheering,
laughing, or, if you please, jeering and howling, the Squire improves
with every five minutes of his Speech. To-night House not a quarter
full; those present depressed with consciousness that no real fight
meant; Mr. G. sat it out with some intervals of suspicious quietude.
Henry Fowler also faithful found; sitting with folded arms
waiting for the time when a new Chancellor
of the Exchequer shall find opening made
for him on a newly-arranged Treasury Bench.
Only J okim really listened; nervous, rest-
less, murmuring comment, muttering con-
tradiction, clutching at himself with strange
gestures reminiscent of hereditary instinct
to rend his garments in moments
of tribulation. That was some-
thing in recompense for the
meditations of yesterday morning.
But as one swallow does not make
a summer, neither does one Minis-
ter, however unhappy under cri-
ticism, make an audience. Jokim
followed with a speech scrupu-
lously measured as to length by
that of the Squire's ; through the
dead unhappy night the rain of
talk fell on the roof, and every-
one was glad when midnight,
slowly coming, struck.
Business done.—Budget Reso-
lutions agreed to.
Tuesday.—Small Holdings Bill
through Committee. Last clause
added amid buzz of admiration
from a not too full House.
Hamley looked on in rapt
"•la rupt admiration! admiration.
Jessi; Colldtgs rose up and called Chaplin blessed.
"Not at all," said Chaplin, bhishing; "as my friend Toole
says from the deck of the Houseboat, anyone could do it."
"The fact is, Toby," Chaplin whispered to me a little later, as
we sat on the Terrace sharing a bottle of gingerbeer imbibed through
a couple of straws, "I've really done a clever thing, only those
fellows don't quite see it. Here we've been for a week pegging away
at this Bill, bargaining and bickering. Sometimes I've yielded
a trifle to the Opposition; sometimes I haven't. But it's pretty
much all the same in the end. The Act will look very well in the
Statute Book, and I hope will help us at the General Election. But
as far as practical use goes, I have sometimes laughed when I look
round the Committee and see Members seriously discussing the thing.
Just before the Bill was printed, Prince Arthur asked me when I
proposed the Act should come into operation. ' When are you going
to have the_ General Election ? ' I asked, by way of reply. Prince
Arthur said he couldn't exactly tell at the moment. 'Very well,'
I said; ' let us put it this way. If you 're going to dissolve at the
end of June, the Act may as well come into operation as soon as it
receives Royal Assent. But if you postpone Election over Autumn,
better fix date for Act coming into force on the first of January.'
'What d'you mean?' asked Arthur. 'I mean just this. If this
Bill's to help us at the General Election, we mustn't give time for
people to find it out.' .'Urn!' said Arthur, and he can put a
good deal of meaning into the observation."
Business done.—Small Holdings Bill in Committee.
Thursday. — Admiral Jeremiah Field pacing quarter-deck,
uttering lamentations over collapse of the Eastbourne stand against
the Salvationists. Bill amending East-
bourne Improvement Act up for Third
Reading. Jeremiah had proposed to
introduce Clause enabling inhabitants of
town to protect themselves against the
Sabbath incursions of a mob in red waist-
coats and poke bonnets, with drums, trum-
pets also, and shawms. Evidently no use ;
so the Admiral lowered his topsails, pulled
taut his lee scuppers, and sheered off.
"We're living in flabby times," he com-
plained to sympathetic House.
He heaved one sigh, then he hove-to, and
Bill read Third Time.
Truth of Admiral's remark about living
in flabby times proved through rest of
Sitting. "Don't," said George Trevel-
yan, yesterday, speaking about Russell's
Amendment on Plurality of Vote Bill—
"don't drag this ghost of a dead red-
herring across the path." Only the ima-
gination of genius could conjure up this
terrible vision. Realised it to-night when
Irish Local Government Bill took the floor,
and asked to be read a Second Time.
Thought it was as dead as a herring, red
or otherwise; but here 's its ghost filling
House with gloom. Promise of several days'
cheerful conversation. Sexton promptly
turned on fiood of everlasting talk, hope- Admiral Jeremiah Field,
lessly swamping place to begin with. Here's a Bill no one believes
Government seriously intend to proceed with; still feel bound,
having introduced it, to take Second Reading. Must show it's not
quite so ridiculous as it seemed when, three months ago, Prince
Arthur introduced it, and House laughed it off premises. Sensible
course suggested at close of Sitting by Wilfrid Lawson.
"Scandalous waste of time," he said; "the sooner we finish
Debate the better."
Sexton full of scorn for the hapless measure. Looked it all over,
and behold! there is no good thing in it. Might have said this in
ten minutes, or at most, quarter of an hour. But temptation to
straddle irresistible ; discoursed for full hour and half ; talked clean
out of Peers' Gallery Fife and Earl Spencer, who had innocently
looked in. Madden, not to be outdone, talked for another hour and
half; out of a possible seven hours' debate three appropriated by
two speakers. Quite Maddening. Afterwards, Rathbone, Johnston
(of Ballykilbeg), Webb, Coghill, Blane, and Ambrose.
A weary world, my masters!
Business done.—None.
Friday.—Morning Sitting for further discussion of Local Govern-
ment Bill. Only four Members spoke, each Member at terrible
length. At this rate quite clear, if every Member is to have his
say—and why shouldn't he P—House must sit into August before
even Second Reading stage of Bill is disposed of. Should have been
Evening Sitting, but things rapidly approaching collapse. Members
in state of coma. Couldn't get forty together; and as soon as
Speaker took chair Counted Out.
Business done.—None.
(j^ MOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, wiii
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.