DOI Heft:
June 11, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0294
June 11, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 285
THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
No. XI.—THE DUFFER IN LOVE.
Mrs. McDuffer never greatly admired the lady with whom this
confession is concerned. She denies that Cecilia Brand was pretty,
and when I do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such
a case ?), she remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether
a woman is pretty or not. This appears to myself to be an injudi-
cious assertion, and the flank of my opponent might be turned if it
were worth while. But it is not worth while. A Duffer I may be,
but not such a duffer as to reason with a woman. If you score a
point (and how many times one sees an opening in the fair one's
harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or both, and there is no
repartee to that ultima ratio.
I maintain, then, that Cecilia was pretty, and very pretty;
pleasant, and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities
yet. I do not believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades
smuggled a bed-room chair. They say that pushing a chair in front
of you is a good way to learn._ My terror was extreme; it would be
awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, stealing a bed-room chair.
That I ventured this risk shows how fond of Cecilia I was. I
reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry ditch. Next day,
when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I sneaked back, sat
down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. It always seemed so
easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury donning his winged
shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew blue as I
struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain that my
boots were in fault.
There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned,
to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose
to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the case,
viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the chisel-
edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same time
of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,—but he
promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home
himself that he was a fool, that without delay : and he was as
he had a lucky escape, that a girl s^S*^ n I, [ good as his word.
becomes quite another person, 5^ ^~~==^/^^i:^^=^%\\- / fa fcThis time I took the precaution
and usually very stout and stupid, .^^a^^S- ,■#l^^^^^^mP^L-- a' - - °f fitting them on in my room. I
because she has preferred someone _ Is? W/^^Mi^^^^^S"^''!^^ walked about in them, and was
else to himself. No, if we met '^^^^^^M'^^^^m/'^^^^^^^ml^^^ \ happy. Next day I got to work
to-morrow- But Fortune for- ( ( r^W-.i^^^^!^^^m^^^^^^^^^^Z^' I f again: gingerly I brought my
bid that we should meet to-ruor- ,/ , "^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^W chair into action, but I was
row, or any other day! I have f , m^^^fW^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ wholly unprepared for the ex-
no relics of Cecilia. I had '\i= MTOW^m^^^^-^^^^^^^^f^^ii treme slipperiness of the ice, even
some,—an old glove, a lash of a though forewarned to some extent
riding-switch, and other trifles. \.^i-.\f^^mm/i/M^^^^A ^^^^^^^j^f^r by the painful experiences of
I kept them in the secret drawer ^KlS^ Mr' Winkle. I had read that
of a bureau, and in my absence ^^^^^\wmM^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\^^^SfT ^e skater "is very highly
that bureau was traded away for .jplliw i WJMjm^f —' favoured when contending with
a new aesthetic article, relics and ZSSj-^ i^S^^f ^^^^^^^^^^^^Mt^&^lr^' ?rea^ enemy of motion, viz.,
all, of course. Perhaps some ^22*^3? J^w^^<^7^^^~^Mlv^—- friction," a proposition which I
minor poet bought the piece of ^ul^^^T^^^^^'^^^^^^^^^^m^^^^S^- ? found to be perfectly true. My
furniture, and found the things, // legs developed separatist tenden-
and wrote a poem on them. That ~~^^' ^irW 'w/^^ cies, and started on independent
is what makes me uncomfortable. w orbits. Often I found myself
If Cecilia sees the poem in one " ''.:| \, i ^ '^I/u^SB^Kn^^l^^^^^^^C^^^ \ / sitting down in a position affected
of the Magazines, and remembers n , /" I'ffiPiB^ -J d7 acrobats, but unusual in
the incidents which the souvenirs -'- s\ -^T'HIMBpSPto^ ■ - I Society. As for the chair, it
recall, she will certainly not be -—Is l_ 7n|«§Pk '^^MilWBrtPv^^^^^^^^^^^^V "N, V would rear and plunge like a
pleased with me, whether she fO^HEtM^ifflttik will^i^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ horse, or escape across the ice,
fancies that I wrote the poem, or >J^rf^^ ^fk where I had to crawl to it on my
that I forgot all about the trea- ^""^^^^t^l^__"/ knees. It was while thus engaged
sures, and traded their receptacle j; ^ ^Yi^m^^^^SlBwff^^K TOl^^^^Mw ill \ ^na^ ^ keard a sound of female
away. Life is really very com- ~ t'l^^'^StMtiililn^^^^^SMl^^S^^^^S-ill T^^iv^i^i' IM^ 1rl^^^«i t^rl I'il^^ 1 Y°ices> anc^ 1° • there were
plicated. jjp|j !|lf§if§||j■T^^^Slu' | ^Krl fl^H^/vSfflr I 1?// i I Cecilia and two other girls, who
I met Cecilia at a house in the j j j Tmi Pjfjll ^r^iSL \m. i II II llxm "i 11 > ^ad b-eard °^ this pond in the
country. We sat next each other IJ .. i j lj li - ' ^jjij^": M.' 'lr'inm I II ^ood, and come to try it. I
at dinner. I found her charming. ! :.[. _! [; ___f 11 i ^ff§§ff" FIi^^hIs \w :' ••1 • • - I presented a singular spectacle,
We had the same taste in novels, 'j 1 |". ! j ^PPgw^=jfeif Wjj&W "M J-i 1 if§ kneeling before a bed-room chair
—she knew Miss Austen almost .__J___i jj_'J j: J |ijn§fjj^|l| ^^^^mmM' " 4 ^n ^e middle °f a lonely pond.
off by heart, and, like me, she was r"p' j P ll^fsffi '^^^^MuJlm) p They laughed, a lover should
very fond of field sports. I fiat- ~' > I ^^Sll I l^^^^^P^llllli ' never be ridiculous, but how
tered myself that she did not find *^fP' iMSfMnllW'* could I help it! I thought it best
my company uncongenial. In the ^_^ J|I|f ||Pf|r ^o ^e frank, indeed, what excuse
evening there was a little dance: ^7 |lj | W Ifflffl' could I make, what explanation
I don't dance, or at least, it was »''' could I offer ? In the evening I
some time since I had danced, ((T, , , T, , , »t , • ,, told Cecilia that I had under-
, • n , . ,r j j. It was -while thus engaged that 1 heard a sound of female voices. nn n , n ,1 ,
not, m tact since they used to gone all this for her sake; that,
make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated it! However, j expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped to make
this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, though the floor \ myself more worthy of " figuring " in her society. But, as a matter
was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously so. Cecilia, of
course, was my partner. You know how they describe waltzing in
novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. Consult Guy
Livingstone and Ouida. Well, it was not at all like that.
I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was
a buzz, I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy . . .
When I recovered my senses, it was not to find the dark grey eyes of
Cecilia bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she
was not there. I went to bed : I know there was a great contusion
on my elbow.
Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now
I could not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I
always passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting
apples, and reading Ivanhoe. These were among my happiest hours.
However, I did not tell Cecilia that I could not skate. I pretended
(it seemed safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise
skating. Besides I had work, literary work, I told Cecelia, an
article on Miss Austen. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the
article. In fact, I was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to Appropriate.—At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts,
town for a pair of " Acmes," for I knew I never could, manage all in a goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French,
the straps and buckles of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a with a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great
pond where nobody came, and thither, under cover of night, 11 compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being'4 tres Czec A."
of fact, I never got so far as figures.
Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of
riding with Cecilia. It was " The Last Ride Together," as in Mr.
Browning. I don't like to speak about it. When we got off the
road on to the turf my horse began to kick and plunge. 1 have read
that it is not right, but I did what I always do, I held on by the
pummel. Would you not hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake.
It felt like a young and lively earthquake. We came home soon,
Cecilia leading my horse. People staying in the house met us.
I did not propose to Cecilia. I thought, like Sir Andrew
Aguecheek, "It is four to one she'll none of me." _ Nay, the odda
were probably even longer. Ah, Cecilia, if these lines meet thine
eyes, thou wilt know that one heart still is true. In another life,
less begirt by material difficulties, we may meet amongst the
asphodel, where there is no opportunity for the display of mere
mechanical accomplishments. Till then, au revoir !
THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
No. XI.—THE DUFFER IN LOVE.
Mrs. McDuffer never greatly admired the lady with whom this
confession is concerned. She denies that Cecilia Brand was pretty,
and when I do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such
a case ?), she remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether
a woman is pretty or not. This appears to myself to be an injudi-
cious assertion, and the flank of my opponent might be turned if it
were worth while. But it is not worth while. A Duffer I may be,
but not such a duffer as to reason with a woman. If you score a
point (and how many times one sees an opening in the fair one's
harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or both, and there is no
repartee to that ultima ratio.
I maintain, then, that Cecilia was pretty, and very pretty;
pleasant, and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities
yet. I do not believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades
smuggled a bed-room chair. They say that pushing a chair in front
of you is a good way to learn._ My terror was extreme; it would be
awkward to be caught, at a friend's house, stealing a bed-room chair.
That I ventured this risk shows how fond of Cecilia I was. I
reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry ditch. Next day,
when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I sneaked back, sat
down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates. It always seemed so
easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury donning his winged
shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew blue as I
struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain that my
boots were in fault.
There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned,
to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose
to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the case,
viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the chisel-
edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same time
of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,—but he
promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home
himself that he was a fool, that without delay : and he was as
he had a lucky escape, that a girl s^S*^ n I, [ good as his word.
becomes quite another person, 5^ ^~~==^/^^i:^^=^%\\- / fa fcThis time I took the precaution
and usually very stout and stupid, .^^a^^S- ,■#l^^^^^^mP^L-- a' - - °f fitting them on in my room. I
because she has preferred someone _ Is? W/^^Mi^^^^^S"^''!^^ walked about in them, and was
else to himself. No, if we met '^^^^^^M'^^^^m/'^^^^^^^ml^^^ \ happy. Next day I got to work
to-morrow- But Fortune for- ( ( r^W-.i^^^^!^^^m^^^^^^^^^^Z^' I f again: gingerly I brought my
bid that we should meet to-ruor- ,/ , "^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^W chair into action, but I was
row, or any other day! I have f , m^^^fW^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ wholly unprepared for the ex-
no relics of Cecilia. I had '\i= MTOW^m^^^^-^^^^^^^^f^^ii treme slipperiness of the ice, even
some,—an old glove, a lash of a though forewarned to some extent
riding-switch, and other trifles. \.^i-.\f^^mm/i/M^^^^A ^^^^^^^j^f^r by the painful experiences of
I kept them in the secret drawer ^KlS^ Mr' Winkle. I had read that
of a bureau, and in my absence ^^^^^\wmM^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\^^^SfT ^e skater "is very highly
that bureau was traded away for .jplliw i WJMjm^f —' favoured when contending with
a new aesthetic article, relics and ZSSj-^ i^S^^f ^^^^^^^^^^^^Mt^&^lr^' ?rea^ enemy of motion, viz.,
all, of course. Perhaps some ^22*^3? J^w^^<^7^^^~^Mlv^—- friction," a proposition which I
minor poet bought the piece of ^ul^^^T^^^^^'^^^^^^^^^^m^^^^S^- ? found to be perfectly true. My
furniture, and found the things, // legs developed separatist tenden-
and wrote a poem on them. That ~~^^' ^irW 'w/^^ cies, and started on independent
is what makes me uncomfortable. w orbits. Often I found myself
If Cecilia sees the poem in one " ''.:| \, i ^ '^I/u^SB^Kn^^l^^^^^^^C^^^ \ / sitting down in a position affected
of the Magazines, and remembers n , /" I'ffiPiB^ -J d7 acrobats, but unusual in
the incidents which the souvenirs -'- s\ -^T'HIMBpSPto^ ■ - I Society. As for the chair, it
recall, she will certainly not be -—Is l_ 7n|«§Pk '^^MilWBrtPv^^^^^^^^^^^^V "N, V would rear and plunge like a
pleased with me, whether she fO^HEtM^ifflttik will^i^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ horse, or escape across the ice,
fancies that I wrote the poem, or >J^rf^^ ^fk where I had to crawl to it on my
that I forgot all about the trea- ^""^^^^t^l^__"/ knees. It was while thus engaged
sures, and traded their receptacle j; ^ ^Yi^m^^^^SlBwff^^K TOl^^^^Mw ill \ ^na^ ^ keard a sound of female
away. Life is really very com- ~ t'l^^'^StMtiililn^^^^^SMl^^S^^^^S-ill T^^iv^i^i' IM^ 1rl^^^«i t^rl I'il^^ 1 Y°ices> anc^ 1° • there were
plicated. jjp|j !|lf§if§||j■T^^^Slu' | ^Krl fl^H^/vSfflr I 1?// i I Cecilia and two other girls, who
I met Cecilia at a house in the j j j Tmi Pjfjll ^r^iSL \m. i II II llxm "i 11 > ^ad b-eard °^ this pond in the
country. We sat next each other IJ .. i j lj li - ' ^jjij^": M.' 'lr'inm I II ^ood, and come to try it. I
at dinner. I found her charming. ! :.[. _! [; ___f 11 i ^ff§§ff" FIi^^hIs \w :' ••1 • • - I presented a singular spectacle,
We had the same taste in novels, 'j 1 |". ! j ^PPgw^=jfeif Wjj&W "M J-i 1 if§ kneeling before a bed-room chair
—she knew Miss Austen almost .__J___i jj_'J j: J |ijn§fjj^|l| ^^^^mmM' " 4 ^n ^e middle °f a lonely pond.
off by heart, and, like me, she was r"p' j P ll^fsffi '^^^^MuJlm) p They laughed, a lover should
very fond of field sports. I fiat- ~' > I ^^Sll I l^^^^^P^llllli ' never be ridiculous, but how
tered myself that she did not find *^fP' iMSfMnllW'* could I help it! I thought it best
my company uncongenial. In the ^_^ J|I|f ||Pf|r ^o ^e frank, indeed, what excuse
evening there was a little dance: ^7 |lj | W Ifflffl' could I make, what explanation
I don't dance, or at least, it was »''' could I offer ? In the evening I
some time since I had danced, ((T, , , T, , , »t , • ,, told Cecilia that I had under-
, • n , . ,r j j. It was -while thus engaged that 1 heard a sound of female voices. nn n , n ,1 ,
not, m tact since they used to gone all this for her sake; that,
make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated it! However, j expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped to make
this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant, though the floor \ myself more worthy of " figuring " in her society. But, as a matter
was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously so. Cecilia, of
course, was my partner. You know how they describe waltzing in
novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight. Consult Guy
Livingstone and Ouida. Well, it was not at all like that.
I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was
a buzz, I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy . . .
When I recovered my senses, it was not to find the dark grey eyes of
Cecilia bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she
was not there. I went to bed : I know there was a great contusion
on my elbow.
Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now
I could not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I
always passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting
apples, and reading Ivanhoe. These were among my happiest hours.
However, I did not tell Cecilia that I could not skate. I pretended
(it seemed safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise
skating. Besides I had work, literary work, I told Cecelia, an
article on Miss Austen. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the
article. In fact, I was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to Appropriate.—At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts,
town for a pair of " Acmes," for I knew I never could, manage all in a goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French,
the straps and buckles of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a with a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great
pond where nobody came, and thither, under cover of night, 11 compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being'4 tres Czec A."
of fact, I never got so far as figures.
Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of
riding with Cecilia. It was " The Last Ride Together," as in Mr.
Browning. I don't like to speak about it. When we got off the
road on to the turf my horse began to kick and plunge. 1 have read
that it is not right, but I did what I always do, I held on by the
pummel. Would you not hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake.
It felt like a young and lively earthquake. We came home soon,
Cecilia leading my horse. People staying in the house met us.
I did not propose to Cecilia. I thought, like Sir Andrew
Aguecheek, "It is four to one she'll none of me." _ Nay, the odda
were probably even longer. Ah, Cecilia, if these lines meet thine
eyes, thou wilt know that one heart still is true. In another life,
less begirt by material difficulties, we may meet amongst the
asphodel, where there is no opportunity for the display of mere
mechanical accomplishments. Till then, au revoir !