Punch (102.1892)

June 18, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

297

THE USEFUL CRICKETER.

(A Candid Veteran's Confession.)

I Air rather a " pootlesome" bat—

I seldom, indeed, make a run;
But I'm rather the gainer by that,
For it's bad to work hard in the sun.

As a "field " I am not worth a jot,

And no one expects me to be ;
My run is an adipose trot,
My " chances " I never can see.

I am never invited to bowl, [slig-Ht,
And though, p'raps, this seems like a
In the depths of my innermost soul
I've a notion the Captain is right.

In short, I may freely admit
I am not what you 'd call a great
catch;

But yet my initials are writ
In the book against every
match I

For although—ay, and there is

the rub—
I am forty and running to fat,
I have made it all right with the

Club,

By presenting an Average Bat!

PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.

(As recorded by Mr. Punch's Patent Phonograph.)

Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough,
but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of
Cicero, befriend me ! Here goes:—

'' What on earth can 1 say about the Duke of Edinburgh: ?
Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take
kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the Euryalus (query ?
ought I to bring in Nisus). Travelled a great deal—multorum vidit
et urhes. Mem. Work this up. By the way, Alfred's his name.
Bring in Alfred and the cakes. Alfred thrashed Danes. Prince
of Wales married a Dane. To be worked up. Sailor-Prince : mem.
O navis referent, etc. See also Virgil's description of storm. Prince
plays fiddle. Might say that Virgil was poet quern vicina Cremonce
Mantua genuit. Did this, years ago, for old Joachim, but can use it
again. Never mind the vce nimium miserce vicina Cremonce.
Prince won't know about that. What's the best Latin for Admiral ?
Daughter betrothed to Crown Prince of Roumania. Can get in
Roman legionaries. Ripping ! I

Northbrook's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he
only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through.
Conquests of Alexander, and all that sort of thing. Must look up
Rtjdtard Kipling for latest tips. _ Dusky brothers (Query, sub-fusci
fratres?) good Academical joke this; sure to fetch the Vice-Chan-
cellor. Pity the Chancellor's so poor in Latin.

Cranbrook next. Bother all these brooks! He 's a Viscount ( Vice-
Comes de Cranbrook). Lord President of Council; looks after edu-
cation. That'11 do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card
asking me to say something about Educatio libera f Num est tuus
servus canis ut hanc rem faciat f

Henry James. Dear me ! No University education. Must refer
to Cicebo as a barrister. Solicitor Generalis doesn't sound right some-
how. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. Mem. Get good joking Latin
for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through

Joseph Chambeblain. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him

myself. Birminghamice decus ; civium consensu ter-What the

dickens is Mayor in Latin ? Did anybody make screws in ancient
Rome ? Mem. Work up orchids and eyeglass. Una cum Cancel-
lario nostro sent grandi restitit. Absolutely no literary distinction.
Still, he 's got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig
at Oscar Browning and East Worcestershire. Something about
old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the job!

John Morley. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to
be skimmed over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (sibi
constat). Books by the dozen (lucidus ordo, etc.). French Revolu-
tion (res novce). Ardent reformer (res renovanda radicitus). Ought
to drag in impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer. Better not, on
second thoughts.

That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow.
Mem. Webster won two miles against Oxford (duo millia pas-
suum; Oxoniensibus triumphatus, and a few japes about Isthmian
games. Must fetch them). Remember to give Roby one or two for
himself over his Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick
to making reels of cotton. Seeley and the others can wait.

Mr. Hardtjp lately came into a large fortune, and changed his
name to Skatterkash. He has started a coach, and drives four
duns. "The duns used always to be after me," says he; "nowI've

KENSINGTON GARDENS.

(In the Summer Evenings, after Eight.)

As they are, always.—Closed. Within, a solitary policeman,
moping. Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and
gazing through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A
mile away, or nearer, some military bands (paid—by whom?—no
matter—ultimately by tax-payers, who don't get much for their
money), bored to death for lack of work, and any number of charitable
institutions spending half their funds in advertising for more.

As they might be, sometimes.-—Open, At the gate energetic
policemen taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit
and smoke in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese
lanterns, and to listen to the music of the military bands, now alert,
cheerful and occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few
energetic, but unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone be-
haves as quietly as at the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the
next morning) any number of charitable institutions receiving the
shillings thus virtuously and profitably spent.

SYLLOGISMS OE THE STUMP.

(Selected—and condensed—from recent Platform " Arguments.")

There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority
desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their
decision.

The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule.

Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legis-
lative sanction to that desire.

The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining.

That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised
by and through possession of the Electoral Franchise.

Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the
Parliamentary vote.

It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day
legislation) unless you "mean business"
in that matter.

I do not mean business in that matter
—at present.

Therefore I shall be delighted to
receive the deputation.

Liberal Legislation is bad for the
country.

The present Government has success-
fully accomplished more Liberal Legis-
lation than any of its predecessors.

Therefore the country should vote for
the present Government.

The Gladstone Government of 1880
made many serious mistakes.

I was a leading Member of that
Government.

Therefore you cannot go wrong in
following me now. Going: to the Country with a

Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord ^1J'

R., and addressed to him certain awkward questions and posing
arguments to which he is bound to attempt an answer.

Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C, and devoted the whole
of his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments.

Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his
own time and the public's.

I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885.

Many men have altered their opinion of me since that same date.

Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items.

I followed my Leader until 1881.
Some follow him still.

Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean
what they say.

If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called
syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with him.
But then thev are not only the brief and formal expression of lons--
winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at all,
but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to the
public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so.
Moral:—The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the
form of a reductio ad absurdum.

Mutual Advertisement by the Court Jester.—At the Shaftes-
bury Theatre is announced A Play in Little. At the Court they
might announce a Little in a Play. [N.B.—For explanation see

got 'em before me. It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times." 1 Cast under Clock.] Just now, very little in any play.