DOI issue:
July 2, 1892
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0325
316
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE HORSE-EDUCATOR.
[A Sketch at Sydenham.)
Scene—An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.—The Arena is
thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light
American waggon. There is a small steam-engine^ at one side,
with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and^ a
bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite.
From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these
ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly
Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience,
and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that
the ideal Horse- trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he
merely appears to introduce Professor Norton B. Smith, who,
turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velve-
teen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm.
The Professor {with a slight Transatlantic accent). The first
animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer,
afraid Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost any-
thing, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. {To a tall Groom and
a short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over
a drum, to the general delight. 'The horse who is afraid of almost
anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defy-
ing any Professor to cure him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious,
he's only Nervous.
[The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and
lashes out by way of contradiction.
Paterfamilias, in audience (who has a spoilt horse at home). Just
what I always say about Tartar—it's nerves, not vice.
His Eldest Daughter. Shall you send him here to be cured, Father? fervently hoping that
Paterf. No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall be nis Sister's Pretty
able to take Tartar in hand myself, I have no doubt. j/ZZ^^^ Friend has not over-
The Prof, {instruc- )' heard this comment.
a Horse when frightened r~~^^v l^V/^'i^^^^^ JMii "way to overcome that is
at anything in Front of /y/y'M ^ ^° ^nrn the animal
him, To jump Backwards, «SBfe" II MM I '^l[f?^ ^-<i^^'^^^^^v/m%^ round—so—several times
and when frightened at ^^^fflWfflft^^'KwC*^^^9*^^ >/r^<~'^Zh\^^^^^^^^'/ ^ till he gets dizzy and for -
anything Back of him, lmWm^^\^'^~m^PW/ Ms ^ /wr' ^/i^^^^^^^ ' - V gets where E, Street is,
To jump Forwards. {Ap- flMlBn^^ v «*!pSm^8^iKIP^^^' ;^ and then he says to him-
plause, in recognition of WjMfj^'v '/^^A/Mm^&Mj^^. ^^s^^^^^^^S^^^^-^y^^^/ self, " I guess I'd better
the accuracy and obser- X^w^^^^^^MlKM^^^M^^^^^^^ '^^^/\^/ go wherever the gentle-
Now I will show you my y^^^^/'^^&U^^^^^'^"-- . ^^fej^fe^-^^C The Sister- Robert's
method Of correcting this horse turned round and
Humane, Never causing <^^/ ' <\ \ ~ <■ Her Pretty Friend. And
any Pain if you Possibly ~_~Z^~ """"IZZIZm____ ~~^*ssj^ J 'Jj/\ then did he go where your
can Help it. Fetch that - _____-— ~~~___ / brother wanted him to ?
Harness. {The short —The Sister. Oh yes, at
Groom trips again, but so " The short Groom falling over a drum." Jast. (Robert breathes
elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the
performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The
familiar With an umbrella. {Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now,
Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella—vurry good one too—it isn't
going* to hurt you; look at it!
[He waves it round the animaVs head, and finally claps it over
his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he
may have been prejudiced.
Daughter. It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could
hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.
Paterf. Not while I'm—Well, we must see what your Mother
sayrs about that. [Begins to wish he had come alone.
Prof, {introducing another horse). This animal is a confirmed
Kicker. We '11 give him a little tinware, just to amuse him.
{Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, per-
ceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness
makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner.)
Hang on more tinware, boys ! Some persons here may feel Disap-
pointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember—that is not My Fault.
They can't be too vicious to please me. {The Horse sees his way to
score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resigna-
tion, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got
much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in ; the Pro-
fessor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being
groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and
the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involun-
tary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.)
Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go
down O. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E.
Street, and he generally does so up it too !
A Sister {to her Brother). Robert, that's just like the horse you
rode that last time, isn't it? [Robert doesn't answer,
Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this
suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being
attached to the animal's forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much
to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word " Woa! " Only
when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! {horse down again, in-
tensely humiliated.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady! "
and teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards De-
ceiving him. (Paterf. makes a note of this on Tartar's account.)
Steady. . .Woa! {Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling
that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally,
Professor says " Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to
take the hint.)
Paterf. Wonder where I could get that apparatus—just the thing
for Tartar !
His Daughter.^ But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust
first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said
"Woa! " you know, and that wouldn't do!
Paterf Um ! No. Never thought of that.
Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two
Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals,
at_ which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that
his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to
humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big
drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.)
The Daughter. You might try that with Tartar, Father. You
eould have the dinner-gong, you know.
Paterf. {dubiously). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have
the same effect, my dear.
Prof, {who has vaulted on the horse's back). I will now make him
more freely.) Only without Robert. [Robert wonders bitterly
why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular
muff like this.
[rTwo more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light
waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam
whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and
plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing^ un-
perturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the
horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and be-
come hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the
Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the per-
formance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with
grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let
down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but con-
temptuous amusement; crackers bang about their heels—and
they pretend to be pleased ; the Funny Groom {who is, by this
time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's
back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained
by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers
at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this,
they are unharnessed and Sent back to their boxes—a pair of
equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth.']
The Prof, {concluding amidst loud applause). Ladies and Gentle-
men, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me,
and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to
send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge.
Paterf. I shall have Tartar sent here—less trouble than trying the
methods myself—and safer.
Prof. And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the
Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or
so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE HORSE-EDUCATOR.
[A Sketch at Sydenham.)
Scene—An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.—The Arena is
thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light
American waggon. There is a small steam-engine^ at one side,
with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and^ a
bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite.
From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these
ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly
Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience,
and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that
the ideal Horse- trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he
merely appears to introduce Professor Norton B. Smith, who,
turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velve-
teen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm.
The Professor {with a slight Transatlantic accent). The first
animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer,
afraid Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost any-
thing, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. {To a tall Groom and
a short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over
a drum, to the general delight. 'The horse who is afraid of almost
anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defy-
ing any Professor to cure him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious,
he's only Nervous.
[The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and
lashes out by way of contradiction.
Paterfamilias, in audience (who has a spoilt horse at home). Just
what I always say about Tartar—it's nerves, not vice.
His Eldest Daughter. Shall you send him here to be cured, Father? fervently hoping that
Paterf. No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall be nis Sister's Pretty
able to take Tartar in hand myself, I have no doubt. j/ZZ^^^ Friend has not over-
The Prof, {instruc- )' heard this comment.
a Horse when frightened r~~^^v l^V/^'i^^^^^ JMii "way to overcome that is
at anything in Front of /y/y'M ^ ^° ^nrn the animal
him, To jump Backwards, «SBfe" II MM I '^l[f?^ ^-<i^^'^^^^^v/m%^ round—so—several times
and when frightened at ^^^fflWfflft^^'KwC*^^^9*^^ >/r^<~'^Zh\^^^^^^^^'/ ^ till he gets dizzy and for -
anything Back of him, lmWm^^\^'^~m^PW/ Ms ^ /wr' ^/i^^^^^^^ ' - V gets where E, Street is,
To jump Forwards. {Ap- flMlBn^^ v «*!pSm^8^iKIP^^^' ;^ and then he says to him-
plause, in recognition of WjMfj^'v '/^^A/Mm^&Mj^^. ^^s^^^^^^^S^^^^-^y^^^/ self, " I guess I'd better
the accuracy and obser- X^w^^^^^^MlKM^^^M^^^^^^^ '^^^/\^/ go wherever the gentle-
Now I will show you my y^^^^/'^^&U^^^^^'^"-- . ^^fej^fe^-^^C The Sister- Robert's
method Of correcting this horse turned round and
Humane, Never causing <^^/ ' <\ \ ~ <■ Her Pretty Friend. And
any Pain if you Possibly ~_~Z^~ """"IZZIZm____ ~~^*ssj^ J 'Jj/\ then did he go where your
can Help it. Fetch that - _____-— ~~~___ / brother wanted him to ?
Harness. {The short —The Sister. Oh yes, at
Groom trips again, but so " The short Groom falling over a drum." Jast. (Robert breathes
elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the
performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The
familiar With an umbrella. {Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now,
Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella—vurry good one too—it isn't
going* to hurt you; look at it!
[He waves it round the animaVs head, and finally claps it over
his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he
may have been prejudiced.
Daughter. It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could
hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.
Paterf. Not while I'm—Well, we must see what your Mother
sayrs about that. [Begins to wish he had come alone.
Prof, {introducing another horse). This animal is a confirmed
Kicker. We '11 give him a little tinware, just to amuse him.
{Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, per-
ceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness
makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner.)
Hang on more tinware, boys ! Some persons here may feel Disap-
pointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember—that is not My Fault.
They can't be too vicious to please me. {The Horse sees his way to
score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resigna-
tion, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got
much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in ; the Pro-
fessor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being
groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and
the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involun-
tary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.)
Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go
down O. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E.
Street, and he generally does so up it too !
A Sister {to her Brother). Robert, that's just like the horse you
rode that last time, isn't it? [Robert doesn't answer,
Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this
suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being
attached to the animal's forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much
to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word " Woa! " Only
when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! {horse down again, in-
tensely humiliated.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady! "
and teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards De-
ceiving him. (Paterf. makes a note of this on Tartar's account.)
Steady. . .Woa! {Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling
that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally,
Professor says " Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to
take the hint.)
Paterf. Wonder where I could get that apparatus—just the thing
for Tartar !
His Daughter.^ But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust
first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said
"Woa! " you know, and that wouldn't do!
Paterf Um ! No. Never thought of that.
Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two
Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals,
at_ which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that
his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to
humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big
drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.)
The Daughter. You might try that with Tartar, Father. You
eould have the dinner-gong, you know.
Paterf. {dubiously). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have
the same effect, my dear.
Prof, {who has vaulted on the horse's back). I will now make him
more freely.) Only without Robert. [Robert wonders bitterly
why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular
muff like this.
[rTwo more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light
waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam
whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and
plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing^ un-
perturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the
horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and be-
come hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the
Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the per-
formance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with
grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let
down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but con-
temptuous amusement; crackers bang about their heels—and
they pretend to be pleased ; the Funny Groom {who is, by this
time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's
back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained
by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers
at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this,
they are unharnessed and Sent back to their boxes—a pair of
equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth.']
The Prof, {concluding amidst loud applause). Ladies and Gentle-
men, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me,
and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to
send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge.
Paterf. I shall have Tartar sent here—less trouble than trying the
methods myself—and safer.
Prof. And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the
Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or
so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.