Punch (102.1892)

July 2, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 317

The Daughter. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will
have to be done at home !

Paterf. {who doesnt quite see himself dancing about Tartar with a
drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back). Well, Toppin will
take the horse over, and he '11 be here and see how it's done. I can't
be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do !

The Daughter. I wish you would. I'm sure Tartar would rather
you tamed him than Toppin !

[Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not unlikely, sees
no necessity to consider his horse's preferences in the matter.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTKACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Souse of Commons, Monday, June 20.—Black Rod got up little
joke to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful part-
ing moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in
absence of Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, Sage of
Queen Anne's Gate intended to take Prince Arthur in hand, and
insist on his making clean breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal
Commission arranged in other House. Black Rod despatched to
summon Commons to assist at ceremony. " The Sage wants the House
of Lords abolished, does he ? " said Black Rod, to his friend the
White Elephant. "Very well; but before it's done, I'll bet you
100 to 1, as John Morley says, that I, as representative of the Lords,
will make him .shut up, and pretty sharp too. He little knows
there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un. too."

Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third
Reading of Appropriation Bill, Sage, in his most winning way, in-
vited Prince Arthur to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting
tip, hurried across Lobby; reached the door just as Sage was in
middle of a sentence. "Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top
of his voice. Sage paused, looked with troubled glance towards door,
stood for a moment as if he would resist the incursion, and catching
siffht of sword by Black Rod's side, abruptly sat down amid general
titter.

Still winding-up business. George Curzon explained Indian
Budget to Plowden, and Rev. Sam Smith, who thought it very
good. So it was, comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened
with felicitous touches of eloquence.

"Pity," said Grand Cross, when I mentioned to him the de-
pressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "Curzon's
a clever youth. When he 's been with me a month or two, he '11
brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to
have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person
like his present Chief. The fact is, Toby, I am really responsible
for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and
India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps

without offence, call our dusky Empire,
that people do not think it worth while
to go down to House to hear the affair
discoursed on by my Under-Secretary.
Amongst the natives in India, I'm told,
1 'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Tra-
vellers in remote regions bring home
stories of finding, set up in humble cot-
tages, little images, more or less resem-
bling me. Gorst told me they have a
saying there, which he was good enough
to translate. His knowledge of Hindu-
stanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired
with remarkable rapidity. These are the
lines:

If you'd never make a loss,
Put your money on Gkand Cross.

A free translation, Gorst says, but gives
you the swing and the spirit of the distich.
Rather hard on Curzon that my popu-
larity should spoil his speech, but a good
thing for the country."
Business done.—Budget brought in.

Tuesday.—Wonderfully good muster
in Lords to-night. Every man upon his
mettle. As the Markiss says, with that
epigrammatic style that makes him so
delightful, " The first duty of a Peer is
to appear." Those Radicals been pro-
testing that talk about necessity for pro-
<< Stopped on the threshold/' longing Session over week all a flam.
Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the
British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean
business, by turning up with regularity and despatch.

Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred
Lords in place to-night. Chelmsford, walking down with his

umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number ; stopped on the
threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne,
sees Denman standing at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister.
Denman is wearing what Chelmsford, who is short-sighted, at first
took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a
red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is.
Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill
Occurs to Denman to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes;
difficulty to catch his remarks ; understood from fragmentary phrases
to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure
before the House is Small Holdings
Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude
he's talking about Chaplin. Mar-
kiss interposes ; says, "Noble Lord
not speaking to Bill before House."

It was at this moment Chelms-
ford arrived. Saw Denman draw
himself up to full height, shake his
fist at the Markiss, and this time
at full pitch of quivering voice ery,
" Ha! ha ! you wish to cloture me
again, do you? I'm very much
obleeged to you. I have a right to
refer in a hereditary assembly to
the best man that ever stood in it."

Then noble Lords knew it couldn't
have been Chaplin. Not yet.

Business done.—Still winding it
up.

Tuesday, June 28.—Parliament
prorogued and dissolved. "All
over at last," says Roscoe, putting
it in another and more original
way. Few to part where (six years
ago) many met. Still some, chiefly
Metropolitan Members, remain to
see the last of the old Parliament.

" Good - bye, Toby," Prince
Arthur says, after we've shaken
hands with the Speaker. "Shall
see you again in August. You 're
all right. One of those happy " All over at last!"

fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have to fight for
my seat, and my life."

" You'11 come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the
other side of House. What '11 you do when you 're in Opposition ?"

"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince
Arthur, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.

Business done.—Parliament dissolved.

News about Bismarck for
the British Public- Professor
Schweninger, the Bizzy B.'s
private physician, writes privately
to Mr, Punch the following news

about his distinguished patient.
"Tell the B. P. that P. B. sleeps

like a top. This is no hum. He is
up at 7 a.m., and wishes everyone
'the top of the mornin' to you,'
puts on his top-boots and top-hat,
and then goes out for a spin."

From a Correspondent anent
the Trustees, Messrs. Cohen
and Levy, and the Gift of

£350.000 for LlVEBPOOL and

Manchester.—Sir,—It has been
asked, what will they do with it ?
Liverpool and Manchester are
both millionnaires and millowners
too. Why not send a little to
me 9 Who's Cohen, I mean who's
?oin' to Leave-y me anything ?
No spare Cohen—or Coin—ever
comes my way! Would that a
Co-hen would lay for me a golden
eeg as valuable as the Kohenore !
Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and
the Irish are of Hebraic origin,
so I have some claim. Why ?
Because Irishmen are Hebrews
first and Irish afterwards. The
first settlers on settling-day in
Ireland were Hebrews to a man.
and isn't it clear that "Liffey"
was originally " Levy ? "
Yours impecuniously,

The O'Dunahoo.
With the accent on the " Oiue'
and the '' Dun."
Leafy June 30.