Punch: Punch (32.1857)

February 28, 1857.] ' PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE ANTI-CRINOLINE ASSOCIATION (LIMITED).

Is with no less pride than
pleasure we announce _ the
fact that, fired with philan-
thropy and watered with the
tears of joy and gratitude of
gentlemen in general, and
their own husbands in par-
ticular, a number of noble-
minded and self-sacrificing
ladies have associated for
procuring the collapse of
Crinoline, and imposing some
restraint upon feminine ex-
travagance. We understand
that for this purpose it is
proposed forthwith to send a
deputation to the Empress
or the French, to whom,
as Queen of the Fashions,
it is believed we mainly owe
the wide dresses which are
now in vogue, and the long
bills which as husbands we
are forced to pay for them.
By pointing out the suffer-
ings both in purse and person
which have been caused by
Crinoline, it is hoped her
Majesty may be induced to break off her adhesion to it, and conduct
her fashionable government upon principles more moderate. If this
be granted, we may look upon the air-expanded petticoat as being
quite exploded, for the game of follow-my-leader is nowhere played
more regularly than in the highest, or we now should say the broadest,
fashionable circles.

In case, however, of the failure of the deputation, it is proposed to
set on foot a Female Temperance Society, in which ladies of confirmed
intemperance in dress may enrol themselves as members, and take the
pledge against extravagance. Lecturers will be despatched throughout
the kingdom to advocate the cause of soberness in feminine attire, and
will each be attended by a travelling assistant, who will exhibit herself
nightly as a " frightful example " of the now besetting vice of over-
dressing. Statistics will be furnished of the fortunes which are lost in
following the fashion, and of the families who have been reduced
because the petticoats have not been: and whose present narrowness
of means has mainly been induced by the wideness of their dresses.
And, moreover, illustrations will be brought in the pictures of our
ancestresses, whose costumes we were used to think the breadth of
absurdity, and only fit to figure in the broadest of broad farces; but
which it will be shown by comparative anatomy were structures far
less monstrous than those which have been raised by their crinolineal
descendants.

MARY ANN'S NOTIONS.

" Now, if you please, my dear Mr. Punch, I think I have got some-
thing to say to which you will hardly dare to fasten any of those ridicu-
lous little notes of yours, which I know are meant good-naturedly
enough, but which I do not think it is quite fair to add to what one of
your contributors sends you. Let the readers find out what is wrong
m what I say (if there is anything, which of course I deny), and do not
you be so inconsistent as to print a thing in your columns, and then
try to show that it ought not to be there at all.

" I have been to Parliament. Papa took Lizzy Hamerton (who is
staying with us) and me last night. It was a dreadfully stupid subject,
and I told Papa so, and suggested his taking us another evening, but
he declared that we should see Parhament to great advantage, as it
was what he called a field-night. We girls were put behind a grating,
for fear we should fascinate the members and make them forget their
precious country, and Papa went to the other end of the place, and we
could see him in a sort of pew over a clock, sitting near Lord Over-
stone, who I believe is a remarkable man, though I never knew
anything remarkable about him, except that when he was Mr. Lloyd
he spelt his name with only one ' L.' There was an old gentleman in
the right hand gallery who came up, and deliberately laid himself down
at full length, and, because the fight troubled his eyes, he opened a
great Parliamentary paper and wrapped up his old bald head in it,
entirely hiding himself, like a ridiculous ostrich, and, I suppose,
fancying nobody could see him. Lord Stanley I saw, too, in the
opposite gallery, writing notes of the speeches, and working as hard as
the men who sat below us, scribbling those columns upon columns
which spoil the newspapers. And dear Sir Btjlwer Lytton, I saw
him, sitting next to the other novel-writer, Mr. Disraeli, and Lord

J ohn Russell, who I don't believe can be a clever man at all,—why,
there looks to be nothing of him—and I could just see my dear Lord
Palmerston for a moment as he came up the place to his seat; but
of all the insulting holes to thrust ladies mto, where they can scarcely
see or be seen, and hear very badly, that grated hutch is the worst I
ever saw. I would not keep rabbits there.

" The talking was all about the Budget, and it might all have been
said in half-an-hour, though when we came away they had been at it
for hours. How Mr. Gladstone can go on for such a time, never
stopping, and never seeming at a loss for a word, I cannot imagine.
He talked for two hours and a half, and I thoroughly agree in all that
he said ; and if you come to consider, it is a shame to have any taxes
upon the poor old people's tea and sugar. Why not take it off such
things as those, and lay it on double and treble, and twice that, if you
like, upon men's cigars and racehorses, and especially upon liquors of
all kinds, which it would be a very good thing to discourage the drink-
ing, for you can never take up a newspaper without finding that some
very shocking thing has been done by persons under the influence of
drink; and if you made it so dear that they could not buy it,
there would be nothing tyrannical in that, and half the crimes
would not be committed, especially those against poor women
and children. Mr. Gladstone perfectly convinced me that he was
quite_ right, and though I could not see Lord Palmerston, I am
certain that he must have been convinced also, and that he made up
his mind to vote against that stupid Chancellor op the Exchequer,
who is always doing stupid things, and I read of him only the other
morning that he had brought in three bills into the House of Lords,
about divorce and other matters, and proved that he did not under-
stand them the least bit in the world. A person who would impose
taxes upon a poor old creature's tea and sugar, when you know that
these are almost the only comforts they have, and I wonder how you
would like to be obliged to give up your pale ale, and your claret, and
your iced punch, and your in slings, and have no comfort but tea,
and that to be taxed, I say that I quite agree with the Times, that such
a man is quite unfit to be Lord Chancellor. As for his speech last,
night, it had nothing whatever to do with the question, and I did not
listen to a single word of it. I was very sorry that Sir Btjlwer Lytton
did not speak, but I suppose that his mind is far too great to descend
to such rubbish as they were talking. Fancy a man who could write
Zanoni condescending to debate whether tea shall be one and three-
pence or one and sixpence ! There ought to be clerks and such kind
of people kept to settle such trash, and the clever men ought only to
discuss noble subjects like wars, and alliances, and the marriages of
kings and queens.

" But the more I see the more I am convinced that men are—I wish
I might use the word—it begins with H. I am certain of it. Talk,
talk, talk, I, I, I, gabble, gabble, gabble round and round subjects,
which they could settle at once if they were not thinking of something
and somebody else, beside the matters they pretend to be minding.
Humbugs !—there—it's out, and now scold away at

" Your affectionate

"Saturday:' " Mary Anne." 1

1 We append one note only to this intolerable epistle, and that is to say, that any
other letter resembling it will most assuredly be the last of the series.

SANCTITY UNDER FALSE PRETENCES.

A Proclamation, published by the Inquisition, has been posted up
at Rome, declaring one Catherine Fanelli, who has been passing
herself off as a saint, to be an impostor, and to have been sentenced by
the Holy Office to twelve years' imprisonment. Her impostures it
describes as having consisted simply in certain supernatural preten
sions, for which an imprisonment of twelve years appears rather severe.
One month at the House of Correction would probably be considered
to meet the corresponding case in this country; and we_ are almost
tempted to regret that we have no Inquisition, to commit, as rogues
and vagabonds, our Sabbatarian humbugs and antidramatic Mawworms,
who endeavour to pass themselves off for saints.

Curious Calculation.

The united ages of the several jokes that met together in a Bur-
lesque on a recent festive occasion, amounted to not less than 1573
years. This gives an average of 85 years to each joke. Several of the
old veterans showed no visible signs of decay, but on the contrary
from their vigorous condition gave every promise of delighting the
public for many a long year to come.

Singular Delusion.—Mr. Spooner has got into his head the
curious notion, and nothing apparently will ever get it out again, that
he is an Apostle Spooner !