Punch: Punch (56.1869)

62

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 13, 1869.

Of

BRILLIANT IDEA

Young P*-»dup during the Tradesmen’s Bill Season.

AN ENGLISH-SPANISH ELY.

We entirely hold with the late King Edward the
Second, that when men close for serious fighting, it is not
a time for courtesies.

“ In battle day,” the King replied,

“ Nice tourney rules are set aside.”

But is there any particular fight between the Morning
Star and the English Ambassador in Spain, that can quite
justify the Correspondent of the former in this severe pitch
into the latter ?—

“ I believe the salary is £6000 a-year. Let the English who
come to this city, answer what help or courtesy they receive at
the hands of the Ambassador. As it is, one must go generally
twice, sometimes thrice, before one can even deliver one’s cre-
dentials to the deputy, the principal being seldom visible, or
visible only for a few moments. The only place where one is
certain to find him is at the Museum, copying, with more or
less success, one of the many masterpieces to be found in that
magnificent collection. The new Ministry might do a far worse
thing in diplomacy than recal Sir John Crampton.”

Really, this seems a harsh punishment to begin with.
Even Sam. Weller was for a much milder initiatory hint to
the Shepherd, and would not in the first instance put him
into the water-butt and shut the lid down. II Lord
Clarendon were to write a strong letter to Sir John,
intimating that he must sometimes forget Murillo and
attend to travelling cockneys, the remonstrance might have
its effect, as Mr. Punch has always heard that the Ambas-
sador is a gentleman. Besides, the best thing that an
Ambassador can do, is to do aa little as possible ; this is a
doctrine which we are sure that the Star will approve. At
all events we cannot approve the Spartan sternness which
proceeds to execution without giving the alleged offender
a chance of self-justification or of reformation. The Star
Correspondent may be justly vexed with the Spaniards for
having returned a Monarchical Parliament instead of a
Cortes of Republicans, but he should not vent all his ill-
temper on Sir John Crampton, or interpolate, in a com-
plaint, the feminine spitefulness of hinting that he is not
a good painter. The Star is usually so honourably dis-
tinguished by its avoidance of vulgarity that we have the
utmost pleasure in at length being able to hit a blot.

SYMPTOMS OE A COMING LOW.

Anything for a Eight. Hooray! The Irish Protestant Defence
Association is up and roaring like a young lion. An “ enormous ”
meeting has been held at the Rotunda, and Mr. Gladstone caught it
in a way that would make his friends very uncomfortable, if they did
not know that he had been already likened to everything from Anti-
christ down to Beales, both included. Quotations of the most.terrific
character were hurled at him, one speaker not very luckily likening
him to Achilles raging to slay Hector (Hector being, pro hac vice,
the Irish Church) but Peelides can bear that. Another orator en-
couraged the Defenders of the Faith—Church we mean—with the
following touching sentiments :—

“ Although we have—

‘ A struggling warfare, lingering long,

Thro’ weary day and weary year—

A wild and many-weaponed throng

Hangs on our front and flank and rear.”

I would remind you that Arthur Wellesley, driven back behind the lines
of Torres Vedras, yet lived to see his victorious arms within the battlements of
'Saint Sebastian, and his brave troops marching upon Paris. We must be
filled with such a determination ; we must be inspired with a like courage.
Yes, my friends, when I look at and consider our high and noble cause, I
would say—

1 Ne’er heed the shaft too surely cast,

The foul and hissing bolt of scorn,

For, with our side shall dwell at last,

The victory of endurance bom ’ (applause).”

Applause ! We should think so. At the risk of tautology, we must
again remark Hooray! The wild and many-weaponed throng, by
which is meant the Liberal majority, also likened to Bonaparte’s
Frenchmen, must shake in their Wellingtons and Bluchers. But one
remarkable lapse was made. Mr. Verneh, M.P., to whom we are
indebted for the above splendid outburst, was shamefully abandoned,
at one moment, by his guardian angel, and was allowed to say

“We have our Brady—a most valuable but scarcely reliable institution,
given to us by Mr. Gladstone, as he once gave us Pepper.”

Well, we do not care to be prophetic, but if the Defenders go on in
this way it is just on the cards that Mr. Gladstone may again favour
them with that pungent present. Without unduly intruding on
domestic privacy, we may say that we happen to know that Mr.
Gladstone’s pepper-caster is by no means empty. Things have been
very dull this winter, but “ the wild night-huntsman hath gone by,”
and we shall have a row. Finally, and for the third time. Hooray !

NEW THING IN RACES.

After all, we shall be able to bear up should there be no Derby this
year. Racing is becoming more comprehensive, as is proved by the
report of a velocipede race for twenty pounds. The horses of those
who accompanied the competitors could not keep up with them. This
will probably inaugurate a new era in racing, and we shall shortly hear
of the Grand Wheelbarrow Stakes, the Perambulator Cup, and the
Iron-Hoop Handicap. Why not ? It will improve the muscles, and
benefit the human race in a double sense. In the particular instance
quoted, a Mr. Waloski “trod”—that is the correct term, it seems—
the two miles in nine minutes and a half. This is a capital idea; for,
after all, why should betting scoundrels be the only “legs” who find
their condition improved by racing ?

Logic and Lighthouse.

On Wednesday night last week a telegram from Plymouth announced
that the rumour reporting the Eddystone Lighthouse to have been
destroyed was without foundation. So all thinking persons expected
to hear. Of course, They were sure that the Lighthouse had a very
strong foundation, and they were not sure that the rumour of its
destruction had any.

“ Holidays of the Church ! ” exclaimed an elderly gentleman,
who was perpetually being worried into “ early services ” and “ high
celebrations,” by his Ritualistic daughters ; “ Don’t tell me of such
holidays—my festival and real day of rest is /FeriSunday.”