Punch: Punch (56.1869)

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 20, 1869.

WHOLESALE !

Patron {yawning). “ Augh, well, these sort of Things are all much the same to me.
I ’ll take a Lot by Weight—Mounts and all. How much a Pound for this Lot ?! ”

DECANAL ITERATION.

The Dean of York is reported to have thus spoken in improving the occasion of a deplorable
accident, the result of obvious and extreme incaution :—

“ These dispensations we are unable to fathom. Iiut this we may say, these things happen for examples,
and they are written for our admonition upon whom the ends of the world are come.”

Suppose a man, carrying a gun at full cock, and dragging it through a hedge behind him,
shoots himself, would the Dean of York consider that a dispensation which he was unable to
fathom ? That casualty would be not a whit less mysterious than the one to which he referred.
When the Dean remarks that these things happen for examples, no doubt he is right. So did
deaths by lire through Crinoline. But when he says that they are written for our admonition,
does he ascribe sanctity to penny-a-lining ? And what does lie mean by “ upon whom the ends
of the world are come” ? Apparently much about that, which was meant by the celebrated under-
graduate under examination, when, being asked who was the first King of the Jews, he

answered Saul, but instead of limiting his
reply to that accurate statement, was sc
superfluous as to add, “ which is also called
Paul.” Unbridled iteration is no more than
what we expect from Chadband ; but a
Dean should know where to stop.

THE CHANT OF THE CONVENT
BELL.

Hark, the Convent Bell is ringing'.

Child of Fashion, young and fair,

From your heart affections, clinging
Still to home, it bids you tear.

Hark, how it seems to say,

“ Tired of a life too gay?

Hither your used-up soul bringing,

Come and let us crop your hair.

“ Here, from constant dissipation,

You will find a nice retreat,

Of the flesh mortification;

Mouldy crusts of bread to eat ;

Fat mutton if you hate,

Eat muttou ou your plate.

Come where holy maceration
Shall take down your self-conceit.

“ You’ll be chastened here by snubbing,
Have, for faults, to kiss the floor.

On your knees be set boards scrubbing.
YVhen your scullion’s work is o’er.

Unto deaf ears may cry
For tallow, to apply.

When you shall, the skiu by rubbing
Off, have made your fingers sore.

“ Or, if there be cause to blame you,

You ’ll be made to knuckle down,

And, in public, more to shame you,

YYear a duster on your crown.

For bloom you’ll have disgrace
With rose to tint your face;

Here they know the way to tame you.
Or the proudest girl in Town.

“ Here your tongue must be close holden
As it can, from each £ extern,’

And the rule of silence golden
E’en with sisters you must learn.

If you exceed in chat.

You ’ll punished be for that.

Will example not embolden
You a blessed nun to turn ?

“ If you have in your possession
Bit of rag, or candle-end.

That will be a dire transgression;

Or, a letter should you send.

Though to relations near,

Them if you call too dear,

Such misdeeds will need confession,
Penance too, when you offend.

“ Wholesome discipline will humble
You completely to the dust.

Bear it well whene’er you stumble,

Or you ’ll out of doors be thrust.

YVith foul brand on your name.

Come, suffer pain and shame ;

But remember, if you grumble,

Go you shall, and go you must! ”

The Right Measure.

The new Lord Lieutenant and his
Countess are likely to be popular in Ireland,
and will probably soon have a poem written
in their praise—in the SrENSERian stanza, of
course. __

“ Standing Orders.”—Free Admissions
who can’t get Seats.