Punch: Punch (56.1869)

vIat 1, I860.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMYARL

183

Bismarck, having an inkling of my intentions, is about to cany a Bill in the so-
called. Prussian Parliament (how different from our frank and free Legislative
Assembly !) for providing pensions for the surviving Prussian volunteers of 1813.
This is, of course, a challenge. Nous verrons..

Prepare the Bill for the new military expenditure, and let the proper officials
make an example of all who must be intended by Providence to be destroyed,
seeing that they are already driven so mad as to refuse homage to the manes of my
respected Uncle.

With this, M. le Ministre, I pray, &c., See., &c. Napoleon

FOREIGN NOTES.

Tlie Cuckoo lias already been heard in our neighbourhood, her welcome notes
bearing testimony to the extraordinary mildness of the season.”—Extract from Daily
Paper.

Yes ! and the Cuckoo wishes she had not been such a Fool ; for with
a severe Cold in her Head, her welcome Note is changed to Cuck-
a’tchewI Cuck-a’tchew/

THE BEST POSSIBLE INSTRUCTOR.

Op course the Daily Telegraph knows all about it, when it tells us, apropos of
the execution of Sheward and the reprieve of Wiltshire,

“ The sad fact is, that reprieves are mere chance-medley. The Home Secretaries are
overwhelmed with work; they do the best they can, by the help of certain rough-and-
ready rules; until, after one or two exercises of clemency, the irresponsible balances which
the}' hold tilt up, at the touch of fancy or a dogged opinion, and the culprit who happens
then to 4 lie for execution’ ‘ draws a blank’ in the Home Office Lottery.”

Shallow people, who do not draw their opinions fresh and fresh from the lips of
our contemporary, might be apt to think that the Home Secretary, who usually
combines the qualifications of lawyer and statesman, in exercising so solemn a
function as that of dispenser of the mercy which is one of the prerogatives of the
Crown, would be likely to act under a grave sense of responsibility—to weigh the
reasons which have to decide the momentous issue of life or death, carefully ana
anxiously,—to proceed, in short, in a way as uulike “chance-medley,” or the guid-
ance of “ rough and ready rules ” as can well be imagined.

The leading-article writer in the D. T. knows better. He has watched the
Home Office Secretarial Staff, Private, Parliamentary, and Permanent, at their
little game of tossing for “ Life or Death,” like the group of street urchins at their
game of “Heads or Tails” in Hogarth’s picture of the Idle Apprentice. He
lias seen Sportive Pancy, and Dogged Opinion,—like Sin and Death at their
diceing, in the Ancient Manner—tipping up the irresponsible balances kept in

Whitehall for weighing Guilt and Innocence. He has stood
by while the convicts “lying for execution” were dipping
into the Whitehall “lucky bag” for their chance of a
reprieve, like Cockneys round a Wheel of Fortune at
Ramsgate.

When one reflects on the probabilities of the case, by
the light of what one knows of the station, education,
and training of English statesmen, the feelings which are
likely to guide them, the influences they habitually act
under, and their liability to answer for their acts in the
House of Commons as well as in foro conscientice, it is
impossible not to feel convinced that the D. T. is in the
right on this matter as on all others, and that we cannot
do better than accept its conclusions,—till we are forced to
correct them by the help of the Home Secretary’s straight-
forward answer to a plain question put to him in Parliament.

NECROMANCY, OR NONSENSE ?

{Aid to investigation. Dedicated to the Dialectical
Society.)

Spirits, who are not only able,

Through Mr. Home, to move a table.

But also lift himself in air,

Maintain him long suspended there,

And float him in and out of casement.

To gazer’s horror and amazement,

Assist him a live coal to hold,

And place in hands which feel it cold.

Whilst, touched, another hand it burns,

Who stretch and shorten him by turns
A foot and more above his stature,

As much below his height by nature;

Who make him do what Michael Scott,
With all his gramarye, could not,

Things which with wonder would exhaust us
More than the deeds of Da. Paustus,

Pacts if a Barrister-at-law

Did see, which facts he says he saw;

And if those facts had a foundation
Outside of his imagination—

I\f ow listen to an invocation:—

Say, Spirits of departed folk,

You can, or Howitt is a moke.

Lares, Penates, Lemures,

Or Poltergeister—what you please—

Why did you to your Home prove lacking
In time of need ? Call you that backing
Your friends, to keep yourselves aloof
Just, when their credit wants your proof ?
When Lyon versus Home was tried.

Why were you not at Daniel’s side ?

You might have proved, by demonstration
In open Court, his “levitation.”

When Counsel him did cross-examine
You might have shown yourselves no sham, in.
Whisking James, Q.C.’s wig off, or
The wig of the Vice-Chancellor.

And yet so much you did not, then,

As scribble with his Honour’s pen.

Or even knock, with unseen blows.

Upon the desk beneath his nose.

Come now, will you a sign afford
To Punch, when at his festive board,

Your presence at that board revealing
By hoisting it unto the ceiling ?

N ay, raise it but an inch or two—

To satisfy him that will do.

What can you not, for his conviction,

Give him one rap ? Your name is Fiction.

NOTICE TO A CORRESPONDENT.

“ Edward ” has been misinformed by the buffoon who
told him that Spanish interests are represented in Parlia-
ment by the O’Conor Don.

Too Past.—What is “ an Improved Driving Clock ? ”
Is it a companion to a Hunting Watch ?

The Rev. Benjamin Speke is going to be married,
they say. Is it to be a run-away match ?