Punch: Punch (56.1869)

Mat 15, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

203

'

HOW TO CHECK TRADE CHEATS.

er Onnerd Mr. Ponce,
Sir, — You knows all the
swells in the litter airy
way, & peraps yon know
the cove who’ve been a
wishing our cribs, which
he calls em criminal aunts,
as though they’d been his
own relations. I’d be
grateful if you’d give him
a small piece of my mind,
and arst him what the
[expletive] he means by
coming the Paul Pry on
a lot of onest fellers,
shoemakers and sich, as is
mostly out of work & finds
it ard to earn a living.
He’d took good care to
have the bobbies at his
back, else he might have
got a bonneting & preshus
well he wanted it. I says
as its a shame for coves
to be exhibited as if they was wild beasts, & for crushers to be ired
to play the part of showmen. How would you swells enjoy a
wisit from me and Slimy Sam, which he’s a night-man by puriession,
supposing we wos jist to drop in quite permixious some fine evening
at your Clubs, and wos to jine in conwersation with you at your
dinners? Preshus nice ewasive answers you'd be tipping us I fancy,
if we arst you how you lived & if you’d paid your tailors, and how
much in a week you’d ever made by onest labour. Them’s the sort
of questions as you put to us poor kiddies, & expex a cheerful answer,
which I wishes you may git it.

But aint there other criminal aunts as ought to be inspected ? How
about your grocers shops & your butchers & your bakers, where
cheating goes on wholesale, & retail too, with customers, by using of:
false weights & breaking the commandment by committing of adultera-
tion ? If one could see behind the scenes, sich aunts would prove as j
wicious as the wust, of our relations. Why, see here what’s been said J
of em by gents as have inspected em:—

“ The inspectors of balances, weights, and measures think the only way of
lessening the numerous cases of deficient weights and measures in the parish is !
by giving publicity to those persons on whom the fines are levied. We think
the parish authorities ought to take the. matter in hand, and be more strict.

. . A famous tea-merchant, on our last round, whom we had occasion to fine

(he having a 2 lb. weight 6oz. deficient, and a 7 lb. weight 4 oz. deficient),
said he would sooner pay any amount than have his name published.”

dangerous indulgence in the pleasures of the table, and may be spared
much vinous folly and subsequent remorse. A glance at a bad head-
ache, as depicted by the Swigmograph, will be a.prudent prelude before
going out to dinner, and may operate oenignly in resisting the tempta-
tions of a perilous repast. Habitual diners-out will find the Swigmo-
graph a salutary adjunct to their dressing-room, and may thank its
timely warnings for a fortunate escape from many a racking headache
or severe grip of the gout.

WHO CRIED " NO ” ?

“ In our first article yesterday we said, ‘ It is quite true that Mr. Glad-
stone said ‘ No ’ when Mu. Hardy asked whether Mr. Bright had authority
to announce the policy of the Cabinet.’ The writer was mistaken in ascribing
the exclamation ‘ No !’ to Mr. Gladstone. Yfc have unimpeachable autho-
rity for stating that, whoever uttered it, the word did not come from the
Prime Minister.”—Morning Star, Mag -i.

Teen who was the Partv that shouted out “ No 1 ”

Aud instantly caused a Conservative crow ?

O which of the partners in Gladstone & Co.

Was so awfully prompt independence to show,

Inducing the Tories to mop and to mow,

And hope that dissension would speedily grow,

And their leader again find the ball at his toe ?

Was it outspeaking Robert, whom some call Bob Lowe,

Or Ceilders, who’s taken the Navy in tow.

Or good Aestjn Bruce—nay, lie’s rather too slow,

Or Goschen, the long arithmetical Joe,

Or Coleridge, with scutclieon as spotless as snow,

Or Layard, so quick with his damaging blow,

Or Cardwell, the carefullest card in the row,

Or Moncriefe vich Advocate, ho ieroe,

Or eager-tongued Sullivan, all in a glow,

Or Hartington, Lord of the General P. 0.,

Or Collier who lingered so long statu quo,

Or Lobster, so full of decision and go,

Will nobody tell, for does nobody know,

Who flung out that answer to Hardy the foe ?

Methinks explanation the Ministers owe.

And Punch as he thinks so, takes leave to say so,

And then that eternal old cynical beau.

The like of whom lives not ’twixt Severn and Po,

And who’s wise as De Lolme and De Stael and De Foe,
Tosses off to your health a large glass of noyeau.

And proceeds, with a wink, this here chaff for to stow.

If a goose asks its reason, the answer is Bo !

WHY STRANGLE YOUR SOLDIERS ?

Sir,

I see a pictnr once in Punch of Justice with a pair of scales in one
hand, and playing blind man’s buff with a bandage on her eyes ; and
this is how she goes about inspecting Weights and Measures. Precious
blind she must be not to see with arf a eye that the only way to stop
a cove from selling of short weight, is to put his name in print and
adwertise the swindle. If a kiddy fakes a cly, he gets quodded for a
twelvemonth, & his name is promenarded in most every blessed paper.
Well, coves who picks your pocket by selling yon short weight is just
as bad as prigs & should be punished similar. You’d soon spoil their
little game if you stuck their names in print, & lugged em up afore the
beaks that the public might appreciate the booty of their persons.

Till this be done we pickpockets must look upon ourselves as ighly
injured indiwiduals, seeing as we also like to have our names kep dark,
lest when we get in troubble the Beak should recollect em and give us
a kextry dose for assuming of a kalias, which 1 remain Sir yours obe-
dient Nathaniel Prigg, though in Society my chums prefer to call
«ie Conky Charley.

THE SWIGMOGRAPH.

Our scientific readers are probably aware that an ingenious little
instrument, has lately been invented for taking automatic tracings of'
the throbbing ot the pulse. Prom a couple of Greek words which
mean the writing of pulsation, the inventor of the instrument has
christened it the “ Sphygmograph : ” and the name, we are informed,
lias suggested the invention of another clever instrument, which, as a
companion, will be fitly called the “ Swigmograph.”

The object of the Swigmograph will, as its name implies, consist in
tracing upon paper the condition of a person who has been swigging a
good deal of alcoholic liquor, and, by an automatic action, recording
the cerebral pulsation of a headache engendered by excess. By pre-
serving thus a picture of the throbbing and the racking and the split-
ting pains he suffers, the swigmographer will be warned against all

As an old soldier who has seen, and, doubtless, “ done the
State some service,” as that actor fellow says, I have a right to my
opinion on the prospects of the Army; and my opinion is, by Jove, Sir !
that the Army is fast going to the deuce. I don’t often read a news-
paper, but when I do 1 ’m pretty sure to stumble upon something dis-
agreeable relating to the Service, and the other day I happened to
stumble upon this :—

“ I feel convinced that the amount of aortic aneurism in the Army may be
much diminished by the tunic being fitted more loosely round the neck and
upper portion of the chest; nor can I see the propriety of making any portion
of the soldiers’ dress so tight as to place him at a great disadvantage in regard
to health, comfort and usefulness, when actively employed.”

This is what some doctor fellow, hang him ! has the impudence to
state, and 1 daresay there are fools who will believe him, and agree
with him in thinking that a soldier can’t be comfortable if be be nearly
choked. Perhaps he’d like to see the Life-Guards dressed in flannel
shirts and wideawakes, like those ragged red-sleeved Garibaldi scare-
crows, and with baggy knickerbockers and a pair of hobnailed high-
lows, to finish their costume. Pretty figures they would be for oue’s
inspection ou parade; aud how couid any officer expect’em to look
smart ?

Those infernal doctor fellows always like to trot out fine new-fangled
words, and no doubt “aortic aneurism” is a new-tangled complaint.
In my young days I never heard it mentioned in the Army, but now
I’m told that soldiers are elev«n times more likely to be attacked and
die of it than nien not in the ranks. Of course civilians and taxpayers,
and people of that sort, may grumble at the cost of thus killing off old
servants, for without a stifiish bounty one can’t get new recruits. But
of course no British officer ever bores himself by thinking upon matters
of economy ; and as for making troops more useful by giving them loose
tunics, wdio expects ’em to be useful while a Quaker fellow’s suffered
to sit amon<g the Cabinet, and the Government encourages retrench-
ment aud reform. Yours, Pipeclay.