Punch: Punch (56.1869)

June 5, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

23<5

OUR DEAR” HOTEL-KEEPERS.

11. Punch, the great Re-
former of Hotels, has
still' work before him in
that direction, and he
means to do it. Shall
he not take his ease in
his Inn, without fear of
the bill ? Liberal, nay,
handsome remuneration
he is ever prompt to
render to his Host, for
a comfortable hotel is
an admirable institution,
and to know that one
can walk into it at any
hour of the day or night,
is much. But gold may
be bought too dear, and
so may comfort. In the
interest of the British
Public which he is
sworn to protect, he
means on all occasions
to speak out when an
Inn becomes Inhospit-
able.

There hath lately been
correspondence touch-
ing charges made at the Bull Hotel, in Cambridge, in reply to com-
plaint, the keepers of that house “consider that the Times is bound"’
(the Times being, of course, their property, or they would have made a
civil request for space) to print the whole of the bill complained against.
Which the journal obligingly doth. Mr. Punch, whose space is more
limited, will not imitate the example, but will mention that a party at
the “ Bull ” was charged something over £10, and that one of the
charges admitted by the “ Bull ” to have been made was this
“ A Night-Light.Threepence.”

Ex.;cede, and so on. The “Bull” pastures on classic ground, and no
doubt understands Latin. Now Mr, Punch remarks that to his know-
ledge Night-Lights, of the best sort, cost One Shilling per dozen—that
is, One Penny each. If a quantity of boxes be taken, as would pro-
bably be the case at an hotel, the price of each would be ninepence, so
that the cost of one light might be stated in farthings. But let us
assume the Penny.

Then the “Bull” makes Two Hundred per cent, on the article.
Two Hundred per cent, profit, even in these days, is pretty well.
Possibly, when a party had dined generously, taken two bottles of
champagne at half-a-guinea each, and other things to match, the “ Bull ”
felt ashamed to charge a lady a penny for a light in her bed-room, and
so raised the price to the more respectable sum of Three-pence. But
if Two Hundred per cent, be the profit which an hotel-keeper looks for
on all that he sells, no wonder Mine Host prospers. Mr. Punch, how-
ever, makes a memorandum that if he should ever sleep at the “Bull,”
Cambridge, he will lay out his private penny at a wax-chandler’s, and
burn his private Night-Light.

But if Two Hundred per cent, be Night-Light profit at the “Bull,”
what per cent, is taken at the Great N orthern Hotel, Peterborough ?
There—yet the sacred cathedral, memorial of piety, is near—Mr. Punch
himself was charged, the other day, Sixpence for a Night-Light. That
was noble. 'Sixpence, for what may have cost a penny, and. probably
cost three farthings! But there was other nobility of charge at the
Great Northern Hotel. Mr. Punch had dined at the place, and had
partaken, modestly, of wine. He was charged Eighteen Pence for his
Bed-room Candle ! The bill is before him, and shall be placed in his
window in Fleet, Street, if anybody desires to see it before it goes to
i,he British Museum. Of what costly wax that candle was made,
he knows not. Imperial Napoleonic bees may have made it in a hive
of gold. At what, shrine a candle, consecrated by the use of an inch
and a half by Mr. Punch, has since been offered, lie guesses not. But
there is the fact—Sixpence for a Night-Light, Eighteen Pence for a Bed-
room Candle, at the Great Northern Hotel, Peterborough. He thinks
of instructing Mr. Whalley to bring the matter before Parliament.

THE JOLLY GEOGRAPHERS.

You know that a transit of Yenus over the Sun’s disc is to occur in
1874, and another in 1882. You know that a passage of that planet
over that orb took place in 1769. You also know that the ship
Endeavour, commanded by Captain J ames Cook, and carrying Sir
Joseph Banks and Hr. Solander, was sent to Otaheite by the
command of George tee Third, to observe it for scientific purposes,
and that the Endeavour succeeded. Know you if you know not, that
scientific purposes require the phenomenon of Yenus traversing the
face of Phoebus to be again observed, this time within the Antarctic
Circle. Hear what Sir Roderick Impey Murchison delivered the
other evening on this subject in the Chair of the Royal Geographical
Society at its annual meeting, held at the Royal Institution :—

“ That preparatory expeditions must be fitted out to secure the establish-
ment of proper observatories, in order to clear up this great datum in the
physics of the Universe, I must consider certain when I quote the Astronomer-
Royal, who speaking of the expedition sent into the .Pacific to observe the
transit of Venus in 1769, justly says that it has ever since been esteemed one
of the highest scientific glories of England in the last century. Surely then our
country, largely as it has advanced in physical science in the last hundred
years, ought much more strongly to feel the urgency and desirability of this
new expedition. But alas ! 1 cannot but feel a misgiving as to the national
endeavours which will be made, when I know that so important a branch
of science as North Polar research, which did not carry'’ with it the vulgar re-
commendation of usefulness and profit, was slighted by too many' of my
countrymen, with whom the common aphorism of cui bono is a sufficient
apology for a shabby abstinence from much which would ennoble our nation.”

The foregoing extract from a newspaper report probably contains a
misprint. It is unlikely that Sir Roderick Murchison called
cui bono? wo. aphorism. He doubtless said asinism. For cui bono?
is the characteristic saying of a donkey—it always was. Donkeys asked
cui bono? concerning electricity, and gas,and steam. They did not reflect,
being unreasoning creatures, that the Future might answer them—as it
did. Knowing this, and not considering it, contemporaneous donkeys,
greater donkeys than their predecessors, continue with regard to
every new discovery or proposed investigation, to ask cui bono ? still.
In rebuking the cui bono mokes the great Sir Roderick has shown
himself a foe of the Philistines, who are all cuibonists. Therefore,
giant as he is in geology and geography, it will not do to call him a
Goliath. On the other hand, Samson would be the reverse of appro-
priate, for an obvious reason.

Thinking of the inferior maxillary bone, we are reminded that Pro-
fessor Owen, another of the scientific Anakim, spoke at the dinner
of which the jolly geographers partook after their meeting. The Pro-
fessor, from what he said, appears to have had much fan in his voyage
up the N ile with the Prince op Wales. He saw no end of the Egyptian
fauna; flamingoes, spoonbills, pelicans, herons, ibises, hoopooes, king-
fishers, and curlews. The Prince, with unerring rifle and lowlmg-
piece, shot specimens for him as fast as he could examine them ; also
suggested to him the provision of a seine net, by which he was enabled
to catch and examine numerous “ living forms of siluroids, snouted,
mormyri, and other Nilotic scaled rarities.” Through the kindness of
his Royal Highness our British Cuvier also enjoyed an opportunity ol
observing a live “ Choreutica agilis,” which appears to have been an
uncommonly queer sort of fish, or as eccentric a serpent as any of old
Nile. By the way, the Professor saw no crocodiles. He said that
“ the improved rifles have driven them to the Cataracts.” Consequently,
Mrs. Malaprop, unless she got above the Cataracts, would now look
in vain for an allegory on the banks of the Nile.

To Sight-Seers.

Lovers of the marvellous may be glad to know that the Metropolis
can show something far more wonderful than the Siamese twin
brothers—“ Seven Sisters’ Junction” !

Thought in the Academy.—A Jacobite in hiding is a favourite
■subject with our painters this year. So to match fugitive poetry we
now have fugitive painting.

Mr. Gladstone’s Good Health.

A wine for twelve bottles of which you give 60s., not including the
bottles, is often really worth no more than the price of a liquor modestly
advertised at “ 12s. per dozen (bottles included), as supplied to the
leading London Clubs, &c.,” under the somewhat aspiring name ot
“ University Claret.” This claret ought to be good. Your University
Claret, surely, is the proper wine wherewithal to wash down your
College Pudding._

Sycophants and Slanderers.

(Epigram by a Son of Erin.)

Says Donovan : “ What reptiles base
There is among mankind !

They’ll kiss your heels before your face,

And bite your back behind.”

WANTS PUTTING DOWN.

Is it not sad in these enlightened days of Women’s Rights, Women’s
Lectures, Women’s Colleges, Women’s Examinations, &c., still to see
“ Mauds ” openly offered for sale at Railway Stations t