Punch (71.1876)

July 8, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9

OUR REPRESENTATIVE IN THE CITY.

{He takes an Office, goes on 'Change, and offers his advice gratuitously.)*

SlB,

In these dull yet most shaky times, when investors are shy,
and investments are still shyer, when most of the foreigners ought
to be put in their own foreign Stocks, it is indeed necessary for you,
Sir, who are the embodiment of Honesty (which is the best policy,
after all), to send, in the interest—tbe ten per cent, interest—of the
Outside Public, a genuine, thorough-going, uncompromising, trust-
worthy business man (who shall be nameless at present) into the City,
for the benefit of all those whom Providence has blessed, not, indeed,
with affluence, but with a small certainty, which has to be turned
over and over again by its possessor, until it gathers that golden
moss which is denied to tbe rolling stone. Let Railway Shareholders
adopt the adage, and pause—" A Polling Stock gathers no moss."

You know by this time—no one better—that I am above bribes.
You know, Sir, that even at school I had, at an early age, earned
the sobriquet of " Incorruptible Tommy." f May 1 long live to
deserve the title!

I do not mention my whereabouts now, or the place would be
crowded by people coming to me for advice. Let the public find me
out—if they can. I am not the one to stoop to advertisement need-
lessly. Just over the door is a transparency representing Honesty
giving change for a sovereign, while Commerce deducts one per
cent, commission on the transaction. On one of the side-glasses of
a triangular gas-lamp is written, " Stock Exchange Business done

* We feel ourselves compelled to say that we never were more astonished
in the whole course of our editorial life than we were on receiving this letter
from the gentleman, who, we admit, up till now has executed certain com-
missions for us as representing our interests—or, rather, the interests of the
public—on various occasions. But we do not remember ever having authorised
him to go into business in the capacity of Our Representative. He has no sort
of authority from us — at least ive think not; though should he be able to show
us our own handwriting to this effect, we would cheerfully accept the respon-
sibility up to a certain point. Till he so proves his case, we ate bound, while
consenting to publish his letter, to place the public on its guard.—Ed.

t This may have been so, but Our Correspondent was not—we think—a
schoolfellow of ours, and therefore we cannot allow ourselves to be appealed to
in the matter of what his nickname might have been. If he is the same boy
we recollect, he was known as " Truthless Tommy." But we can't be sure.—
Ed.

here from 10 to 4. Advice Gbatis." On another, " Commissions
executed at the shortest notice and lowest prices. Savings and
Deposits caeeftjlly looked after. "Watchman on the Peemises
all Night. Secrecy and Despatch. No business, no fee." On the
third, " Foreign Gentlemen attended at their own private residences.
Best price given for old Stocks, and Money advanced on any sort of
Security, from Toothpicks upwards. Night Porter in attendance.
Best References required."

The extent of the business is, as you see, unlimited; and, besides
this, there are money-boxes all along the walls, to receive subscrip-
tions for every charity in or out of London. These cannot be opened
except with my master-key.
rThe Outside Public is saying, " How can we invest our money ? "
" How can we get seven per cent, without risk ? " The private and
moderate investor can come here, if he likes, and in our ante-
room (I've got a partner in the business, but he doesn't appear
till I tell him) he can have a chop or a lobster, a bit of smoked
salmon and salad, with as good bread-and-butter as he could
get for miles round, only our boy will have to take the money
for the beer or spirits, the licence not yet having been granted.
Your Representative can give him a first-rate cigar and an
easy-chair, and the client can give what he likes to the waiter,
or call for a bottle of champagne for the good of the house. Thus
business becomes a pleasure ; and when I have concluded an advan-
tageous contract with a well-known West-End hair dressing firm,
and secured the freehold of the leads outside for the formation of a
small aquarium and a Turkish bath, I do think that I shall be able
to offer my clients such facilities for doing business, as will be un-
equalled, for some time to come, either in this, or in any other
metropolis of the habitable globe.

I propose issuing, weekly, a Bullitin and a Bearitin for the
guidance of friends at a distance.

Latest Advices {in my Weekly Bull-and-Bear-it-in).—The present
disturbed state of Turkey has had a marked effect on Wick's Patent
Candles, the shares in which are now quoted at 10 dis. instead of
25 prem. as a few days ago. The fall in Wick's Patent Candles
throws a considerable amount of light on the Oriental and Millwall
Underground Tunnel Shares, which can now be bought at 12|. I
merely hint at this price, and shall be glad to do business. Of
course it is difficult to advise as to a certainty; but investors who
ivant to realise quickly, could do worse than put a few hundreds into
The Venetian Street Asphalte Tramway Co. The shares will be
brought out at 42 ; each share to be paid for at the time; and
should the Company not come out before April 1st, the money will
be returned to the subscribers after that date, bearing 5 per cent,
interest for its use. The coming over of the Lacrosse players from
the Dominion of Canada has sent Scotch Guanos (lim.) up to 5i55.

Phince Bismaeck's sudden fit of sneezing (by private wire yester-
day afternoon) caused a severe fall in Little JPedlington Sidings
(down to 22f), but the news that the Spanish Minister had ordered a
new hat and a pair of gloves, gave the markets generally a firmer
tone. Later in the day (from an authentic and private source) I
learnt that on the hatter and glove-maker, respectively, presenting
their accounts at the Spanish Minister's house, they had been told
by His Excellency's servant that His Excellency was not at home
at that moment, but would call and settle with them in the course of
the afternoon. Acting upon this, I operated; but when the news
was generally known, Consolidated Yorkshires had gone up to 135,
and as for Shoreham Oyster-Bed 12 per cent. Mortgage Loan (third
series), you couldn't get anything done under 1403. My clients
were thus able to realise enormously.

A client—whose name I will not give, but suffice it to say, that he
is perhaps the most reverend, and very nearly the most exalted per-
sonage in the United Kingdom—came in to-day. " I made a few

thousands," says he, "last night at cribbage, with C-l M-g,

D—n St-nl-y, and a few others. What shall I invest in ? " " Your
Grace," I replied, " go in for Staff as and Ionas." " What's that ? "
he asked. " Suspension Bridge Co.," I returned. "Suspension!"
exclaimed my distinguished customer. "The Co." I explained,
" suspends a bridge—it never suspends payment." He smiled in
his reverential manner. "What are they at ? " he asked. "The
news from Moravia," I returned, " has sent Stafias down to 14 ; but
there '11 be intelligence from Zanzibar within three hours' time,
which'11 send'em up to 190." "No! "says he. " Yes, your Grace ! "
says I. " But," says the Archb-sh-p, utterly staggered, " how on
earth can the Danubian Provinces or Zanzibar affect the Suspension
Bridge Tramway Co. between Staffa and Iona?" (This, my dear
Sir, you see, is what we in the City have to contend with—i. e.,
ignorance in the Outside Public : ignorance of cause and effect.)
"Supposing," I said to my Eeverend client—explaining the whole
affair as succinctly and as clearly as possible —" supposing the
Empeeoe of Zanzebab had a difficulty about taxation with his sub-
jects ; well, the Empeeoe appeals to the Empeeoe of Russia, who
at once sends an armed"intervention: the Zanzibarites appeal to
Germany. Bismaeck sends an armed intervention: the two inter-
ventions meet; they can't settle matters : they appeal to Holland.