Punch (74.1878)

January 26, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 27

Speech, signifying—even more decidedly than usual—
nothing, and so far eminently comforting to the country,
much fretted and fevered of late, and cruelly disturbed
in its wholesome rest by irresponsible braying and bark-
ing. If Government has done its best to augment this
uneasiness by_ calling Parliament before its time, it has
allayed it by its assurances, now the convocation of the
Collective Wisdom has opened at once a discharge-pipe
and a safety-valve, through Parliamentary organs of
speech instead of Press organs of opinion._ While the
man who turns the handle is unseen, it is little use
hounding on the public to the tune of " Tally-ho the
Grinder ! " Who knows who the Grinder may be ?

Chemistry has condensed all the Gases, but can
Chemistry of Wit and Wisdom combined solidify into
such short sense as the Country looks for from Punch
the gaseous paragraphs of a Queen's Speech, loose enough
to cover a variety of opinions, and give every party its
sentence, or, at least, its bit of one, to fasten upon ?

Here is this Essence of our Essence—Quintessence of
Queen's Speech—bottled for use at home and abroad, at
threepence per bottle, numbered.

My Lords and Gentlemen,

You are summoned to learn how we've fctriven

To put stop to this war and its crimes ;
And to giye your advice and assistance

In these very critical times.

We tried to stave war off, and couldn't—

Then neutral we promised to be,
Till our int'rests (see Cross, Derby, Northcotb)

Involved in the struggle should be.

Peace we promised our aid in promoting.

Now the Turk's floored it seems the time's come.
First the Porte tried it on with the Powers,

But the Powers—by the powers, they were dumb !

Then the Turks asked Britannia to help them,

And she passed the word to the Bear :
And we hope that what's passing betwixt them

May bring peace, in whose credit we '11 share.

Thus far, our toes haven't been trod on,

And we earnestly hope they won't be ;
But if peace isn't made, there 'a no knowing

How soon we might want L. 8. D.

Which we've no doubt that John Bull will give us,

Of course on sufficient cause shown.
Meanwhile note, we have not blown the trumpet,

And the trumpet don't want to have blown.

For the rest, p'r'aps, " least said soonest mended."

Thank God Indian famine is o'er!
May the cloud at the Cape soon blow over.

For home Bills—we 're aware they're a bore.

County Government, Factory, Land,

And Magistrates' Summary Powers,
Cattle Plague, too, and Scotch Roads and Bridges,

Schools and Hospitals, may claim some hours.

Then as pleasure to set off 'gainst business,
"We've one coat to trail through the fair—

Intermediate School-law in Ireland,
Whose Grand Juries, too, ask for your care.

Last, not least, Sirs, in one Monster Measure

We mean to pack snug, if not small,
The whole Law and Procedure relating

To Indictable Crimes, one and all!

There ! done in fewer quatrains than the Speech has
paragraphs, and not a point shirked, or a word too
many!

My Lords and Gentlemen of Her Majesty's Govern-
ment, go you and do likewise!

To be sure, we have only Toby to consult with,—and
he and his master are not of two minds.

After Queen's Speech, Lords and Commons—
(In the Lords.) — Lord Wharncllffe, Turcophil5n
Turco-philteros, moved the Address. If warning' the
country off Cliffs be the business of the moment, as
Punch said last week, his Lordship hardly seems
the right man in the right place. Perhaps the Mover
and Seconder were meant to utter the two voices of the
Doubleheaded Nightingale, which the Cabinet is so
obstinately credited with keeping—Lord Wharncdiffe
to vent the backward voice, with a strong Turkish
accent, Lord Loudoun to give breath by the forward
voice to the sweet music of Peace and Hope.

A BROAD HINT.

Tender-hearted Old Lady. "Poor little dear! You're not going to
Dksiroy it ?"

Policeman. "Don't know, Mum. Nice little Daug. I'd a'most give

IT away to anyone as 'd give it a COMFOR'aBLE 'OmE and a 'earthrug ! "

Old Lady. " Almost give it-1 "

Policeman. " Well, my Missus, you see, Mum, is Pious and Partio'lab,

and I think she'd like FlVE bob TO put in the PLATE ON sunday !"

Earl Granville, by the echo of the Two voices, tracked through the Speech
the diverging roads that lead to Peace and War, and criticised keenly the
policy of the Government from the rejection of the Berlin Memorandum. He
found the same difficulty, which has been found by so many, in understanding
why Parliament has been called together three weeks before the usual time :—

" It is not that the thing is rich or rare,
We wonder why the mischief it is there."

The Earl of Beaconsfield was equal to the occasion.

To simple people it seems as if the policy of the Government, between
two stools, had come, as such policies do usually come, to the ground; that
the Independence and Integrity of Turkey, the objects of its solicitous guar-
dianship, are at an end; that the country stands isolated, on the dangerous
strait between the two diverging policies of a discordant Cabinet, and can hardly
stir a step either way without the fear that it may be a false one. But on Lord
Beaconsfield's dexterous showing, never was policy more triumphant, position
more influential, or Cabinet more united. He challenges proof of division. (Sums
in division, my Lord, may come out clear enough without proving.) " One of the
greatest charms in life," says his Lordship (probably with an excusable wink
towards Hawarden) " is not making speeches, and not writing letters."
Speeches and letters are not Sphinxian modes of utterance. The Sphinx explains
itself by enigmas, and its record is in riddles.

But this was not a time for Sphinx, but for Spread Eagle ; and the Hughenden
Eagle has seldom spread his wings broader, or soared higher than on Friday, if
always away from Lord Granville's notes of interrogations and points of
attack. The "Gallery rose at him," as the Pit at Kean when he played Shy lock.
The red herring has seldom been dragged across the scent with a better grace.
It was a very dexterous and high-sounding speech, and the rhetorician deserves
all the honours—whatever may be the due of the Statesman or the Minister.

The Maccallum More evidently means to be the enfant terrible of the Peers
on this question. He boldly faced the bogey of " British Interests," and laid it,
if not in the Red Sea, in the Suez Canal. The passage of the Dardanelles he