Punch (74.1878)

February 2, 1878.]

45

CHRISTMAS COOKERY.

By an Old-fashioned Clotvn.

|X ^/ O Collar Eels.-The
^(f/^TTiT—-\ m, jkg^^^ way to collar Eels is

' » _^^^^^^m^ to look out for a flsh-

^^^j^^^mismm^^^^^^^^^^^ shop, which you will

^^^V^^^ flP\ most probably

Mif -' f-':'''^*j§, -A Igk^V ^e Playbill) is kept

^"^^USbm \m by Mr- So:L]E• Rap

^-'^ftSiirW' ' -jjiBMfflL, •-'•^Ife at tiie door boldly,

-s|^^^yas^%^=F:- '^J^||Eg!!% *W^m and then fall down

^Mw^^^"^^^^^^^ . m . I flat in front of it.

^^^^^^^j'.'^^^lff II ^fr* Sole, when he

comes out, of course
will stumble over
you, and Pantaloon
will tumble over him
and keep him on the
ground, while you
collar all his Eels and
cram them into your
4 pockets. "When the
Eels begin to bite
you, which, if they
know their business,
they ought certainly
to do, you must jump
about and scream as

' if you were in agony ;

then flop down on the stage, and pretend that by so doing you have squashed the fish, which will
doubtless cause your audience the liveliest amusement.

A Recipe for Jerked Beef.—hi. order to prepare this most delicious delicacy, you must first Motto foe Db. Erasmus Wtl-
proceed to " bone " a bit of Beef. This you may do by simply stealing it from the shop of Mr. Suett son.—" Rem acu tetigi."

(vide playbill), or gently taking
it from the tray of the first
butcher's boy that passes. When
the Policeman comes in sight,
which (in a Pantomime at any
rate) he is pretty sure to do, you
must jerk your Eeef behind you
towards your friend the Panta-
loon, crying loudly as you do
so, "Bobby, look at my jerked
Beef! "

How to Jug a Hare.—First
catch your Hare. This you may
best do by seeing one suspended
by his hind legs at a poulterer's,
and then creeping on all-four3
very softly towards the shop,
until, on standing up, you can
just take him off the nail. Next,
get a big jug from the china-
shop next door, and pop your
Hare inside it, and tell the audi-
ence in a whisper that you're
partial to jugged Hare.

How to matte a Raised Game
Pie.—Enter into close conversa-
tion with a Pieman, and so dis-
tract his attention that you are
slily able to steal one of his pies.
Then take to your heels, and,
when he runs after you bawling
out " Stop thief! " all you have
to do is just to throw the Pie up
high enough for Pantaloon to
catch it. By this process your
Pie will become a raised one.

YOX POPULI.

Mr. Punch, Sir,

Don't you make any mistake. You are on the wrong side,
Sir. Remember what the chap says in the play, " Let me make the
people's songs, and you may take the law-making into your own
hands." I don't know who said it, or when, or where. Still, there's
the idea for you, Sir. Well, I make the people's songs. You don't
believe me ! Well, just you go to the Music Halls, and you will
hear a lot of my productions. I will give you a few specimens, as a
proof of my quality.

I have just finished " Bang, Bang, Bang ! Oh, ain't it a Jolly
Lark ! " and I think it will go immensely, especially if the audi-
ence accompany the music by smashing their glasses, on the tables
before them. Here's the chorus :—

" Bang, bang, bang ! oh, ain't it a jolly lark !
A-cutting the throats
Of the Bussian bloaks,
And a-wading through blood in the dark ! "

I have written it for "The Monstre Comique," and, if he only
gives it with a wink and a breakdown, the audience will roar like
mad ! You take my word for it, Sir,—roar like mad!

Then here's another, which is nearly ready. It will be sung by
an " Artiste " dressed in the full dress blue and gold of a Cabinet
Minister, made up after the head of a certain popular party. Here's
a bit of it:—

" {Spoken.)—So when I do the lardy-dardy in my slap-up crib inDowning
Street, I always take a treaty in one hand and a bottle of fizz in the other.
Then I tear up the treaty, and put the bottle to my mouth, so. If any of my
pals ask me why I don't let 'em into my little secrets, I point to my toggery,
and say, confidentially,—■

" It's all stuff and nonsense, and pooh, pooh, pooh !
Billy Gladstone is a fool,
And Bob Lowe is his tool,
But I will pull you through ! "

If that doesn't bring the house down, I will eat "The Monstre
Comique's " hat, collar, and cuffs !
Besides the above, I have got some others equally excellent, called
On the Right Side of the Ledger, Boys" ''''Murder ''em Quick,
and get it Over " (a roaring comic song, to be sung in the costume of
a Bashi-Bazouk), " Hoist the British Flag at the Famish and the
Rag" (patriotic, in the uniform of a subaltern on half-pay), and
"Let's have a Fight, and make the Money Fly / " You should

11

see how my songs go with the cads and counter-jumpers, and there's
a jolly lot of tbat sort, as you may yet learn. Change your policy,
Sir, and thank Yours familiarly,

Lower Grub Street, E. C. Catnach Jones.

GAMEKEEPERS AND POACHERS!

Mr. Punch,

Her Majesty's Speech contained an omission—as Major
O'Gorman might say—of a subject whose urgency had not been
suggested to her Ministers. I mean the grievous defect in the law
recently disclosed, to our vast astonishment, by the monstrous mis-
carriage of justice in the great Rabbit Case—" The Queen v. Paul
Read." Mr. Read shoots eighteen rabbits, the property of his mas-
ter, Mr. Smith, and sells them as his own. He is tried for embezzling
his master's property, convicted, and given four months and hard la-
bour, which he does not get, for the case is reserved on the question
whether, legally, the rabbits were the property of his master or not.
The Judges, witb the Lord Chief Justice at the head of them, ruled
that they were not. They held that Read had made them his own
property by shooting and taking them into his possession as wild
animals. In the course of argument before their Lordships, natu-
rally enough—

" On the part of the prosecution it was stated that it would be a startling
consequence if a gamekeeper could help himself ad libitum to his master's
game.

"The Lord Chief Justice.—A most fearful consequence truly! Still, in
spite of the sanctity of game, we must uphold and apply the principles of the
criminal law."

A criminal law, indeed, Mr. Punch—a law so partial to criminal
gamekeepers ! Every gamekeeper is a chartered poacher, and can
poach to any extent with impunity. Keepers may be kept to keep
off poachers,—sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?—literally, "who
shall keep the keepers ? " This question, of vital importance, as it
is, to the best interests of the country, cannot fail to command the
immediate attention of a Conservative Government, really worthy
of its name, and deserving the confidence and support of—
Your ever constant and admiring reader,

An Esquire of Land.

P.S.—A poaching gamekeeper should be liable to penal servitude.

British Interests.—In anything but Turkish Coupons.