Punch (74.1878)

220

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

[May 18, 1878,

INNOCENCE AT THE BAR.

Polite Superintendent {in plain Clothes). "Well, my La<js, 1 may jcst tell

thbb that this WlHSKfcY is goikg to be AnALYSEP."

North Country Barmaid (innocently). " I'm certain it'll niver dee for
that i " Police Superintendent. " Why ? "

Barmaid. " Bcause it's nearly all Watter ! "

sensible person—tban an officer of tbe Household Troops for the Secretary of their
Lordships' own Nobleman-Usher, Gold Stick in special, and Master of the
Ceremonies on all great occasions when the Queen and her Peers foregather P
Who but a Court soldier should hold up the train of the most gorgeous and
glorious of Court flunkeys ? Surely it is strictly according to the fitness of
things. And it was one by the name of " Jenkins " who tried to cut down the
vote of the salary of this Soldier-Secretary ! Oh, Jenkins—Jenkins ! " Quan-
tum mutatus ab Mo ! "

This insolent attempt of the Lower House to look into the salary-list of the
Higher, was followed by an equally impertinent intrusion on the salary-list of
the House of Commons, and—on that horror's head horror to accumulate—on
the pay and office of the Lords of the Treasury and the Lord Privy Seal!
And that, too,—as if to add insult to injury—in the same breath with grum-
bling at the payment of such insignificant persons as cattle-plague inspectors !
Altogether, the night's work could only be described as disgusting ! Imperti-
nent curiosity first, followed by impertinent attempts at cheeseparing—unsuc-
cessful, as Punch hardly need say.

Tuesday.—After the Lord Grand Chamberlain and his Secretary last night,
the Brummagem Chamberlain on the tapis to-night, with notice of a Motion,
condemning—impertinent person!—the Government policy of warlike demon-
stration, and expressing the opinion—as if he had any right to one—that the
good government, peace, and freedom of the South-Eastern populations, and the
honourable and peaceful settlement of the existing difficulties, will best be
settled by a European Congress and a frank' definition of the changes in the
Treaty of San Stefano which the Government consider to be necessary for the
general good of Europe, and the interests of England !

What these changes are is just what England wants to know. But what
business has Mr. Chamberlain to ask such troublesome questions ? Let him
wait till Lord B. thinks proper to vouchsafe an answer without being asked.
He is the best judge of the right time to enlighten us.

Captain Pim, that simple sailor, means to move the House to move Her
Majesty to move the Great Powers to meet in Congress in London!

More questions about Indian troops and their movements from Mr. Wbitwell,
Mr. Holms, and Mr. Laing.

The Indian Government had paid the Ghoorkas' travel-
ling expenses toiMalta; but, of course, we shall have
to repay them as soon as a Supplementary Estimate can
be got out. The Indian troops serve under an Act of
their own, and are bound to go where they are bid,
though the Bill of Rights prevents them from being
brought into this country without leave of Parliament.
Ridiculous old Bogey of a Bill of Rights! We shall
have to set that to-rights next.

Mr. Holms asked if. the Niggers could be ordered to
the Channel Islands. The Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer said they could. So the Jurats had better look
out; or, if the Government should find it necessary to
clear Jersey Guernsey and Alderney of their cows, in
case of cattle-plague invading those islands of the blest,
they will know where to look for the armed force.

Mr. Meldon moved in a matter, where motion has
been too long delayed, the salaries of the Irish National
School Teachers—the worst paid, and so, naturally, about
the most disaffected body of men in the three king-
doms. And it is to them England entrusts the bending
of the tender Irish shoot, which should be a scion of
the British Oak, but is only a sprig of shillelagh, good
for nothing but breaking heads. It was delightful to
see, for once, Irish Members of all shades, Mr. Smithe,
and Mr. C. Lewis, and Sir J. Leslie, supporting Mr.
Meldon, and even Mr. Lowther, for the Government,
agreeing to his Resolution, on condition of omitting
a reference to what we fear is too true, the general
discontent of the National School Teachers.

Punch is glad to clap the Home-Rule Member for
Kildare on the back, and to say, " Well done, Meldon ! "

A handful of the House on its Pease and Q.'s, after
narrowly escaping a Count Out on Intoxicatiag Liquors'
Licence, had the satisfaction of being Counted Out, on
Mr. Monk's Bill for abolishing Conge d'fitire. Naturally,
a. Monk would like to see Deans and Chapters made
nullities of. But Mr. Hubbabd opposed the attempt to
do away with this clerical fiction. He thinks he sees
in it a popular check against improper appointments.
What a wonderful mind Mr. Hubbard's seems to be!
He dreams of correcting the inequalities of the Income-
tax ; and he believes in the Vonge d'filire as a check
upon improper appointments!

Wednesday.—County Courts are very good things; but
Mr. Cowen wants to put them into the place of their
superiors per saltum—constituting seven County Court
circuits, with travelling Judges at £3000 a-year, resident
assistants at £1500, and a regular judicial apparatus.
In fact, Mr. Cowen proposes to localise justice, to bring
down our big-wigs to lesser wigs—punies indeed—and
altogether to trim the great lights of the law-courts into
very farthing candles. At least that is what the pro-
posal looks like in legal eyes. How it may seem to
suitors is another matter. But hitherto we have not
been in the habit of consulting the geese as to the sauce
they were to be served up with on the tables of the law.
Are we going to begin now ? No, say the Lawyers, with
one voice—Mr. O. Morgan, and Mr. Gregory, and Mr.
Lloyd, and Mr. Wheelhouse, and Mr. Serjeant Simon,
and last, not least, the Attorney-General. Perish the
idea of the one-horse Judge! There are three County
Court Bills already before a Select Committee. Let
the Hon. Member wait till he sees what comes out of
that cauldron, before flinging his own Bill atop of the
seething mass of County Court Reform.

Mr. Cowen took the hint, and withdrew his daring
Bill. We have not yet heard that he has had any mys-
terious stroke, such as in old times was wont to fall on
those who laid rash hands on Altar or Palladium.

Thursday.—We have untested or de-tested—which-
ever the word is—the University foundations of the
past. But Government, by its Attorney-General, de-
clines to fetter the pious founder of the future. He
may fence his foundation with what conditions of creed
he likes. This is in accordance with what the Courts have
declared to be the law in the Hertford College case. But
is it sound policy ? Thus does a Tory Government set to
rebuilding the walls which a Liberal Government of the
future -will have to pull down !

Mr. Grey and Mr. Ridley—the double-headed night-
ingale of South Northumberland—took their (or should
we not rather say his) place, and the oaths, and signed
the roll. As Stefano says in the Tempest, "Four legs
and two voices—a most delicate monster I " What a
pity both heads cannot be allowed to talk! "His