Punch (74.1878)

June i, 1878.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245

Solid fare and wholesome fun, if poets only would believe,
Are essentials in the life of e'en the softest slips of Eve.

Yes, he called me shallow-hearted, servile, false, and all the rest,
But if he had not so plagued me,—well, no doubt 'twas for the best.

True Sir Rueus is not lively, but he lets me take my way,
And I do not feel at present drawn to " sympathise with clay."

Drag me down, indeed! We move in quite the most exclusive set
In the County. What is there that I should specially regret ?

Locksley's famous—yes, and married, notwithstanding his fierce
curse,

To a dame with lots of gold and very little taste for verse.

Nice to be a Lion's Lady in Society, no doubt!

Not so nice to smooth his mane at home when Leo is put out.

Talk of tantrums ! Read these lines he published after—well, the

Jat.'

Pitching into poor Mamma and charging me with nameless guilt!

Dear Mamma! /thought her hard—but I'm a mother now myself,
And I know what utter nonsense is the poet's scorn of pelf.

"Old and formal "—that's the way he pictures me. Extremely
< kind!

Coz, if you could see me now, you might a little change your mind.

" False " and " cold " are bad enough, but " dowdy," that is down-
right rude;

Bards, for all their lofty talk, are not a gentlemanly brood.

They've extremely touchy tempers, and are very apt to say
Very nasty things indeed, if they are not allowed, their way.

I have hit an angry fancy." There I really think he's right.
But you see that sort of thing is not a woman's fancy, quite.

'Twas his "fancies" bothered me; and all the stuff that follows
here

May be splendidly poetic; I should call it simply queer.

" Airy navies, purple pilots, savage women," and the rest!
Why did he not wed a Negress, if he thought he'd like it best ?

Or if, as he says, he knew her words were nonsense, I would ask,
Wherefore utter, pen, and print them ? 'Twas a most superfluous
task!

" Woman is the lesser man "! I hold that false as it is hard.
The most womanish of creatures surely is an angry bard.

Yet, sometimes, when, as at present, Spring is brightening all the
land,

Comes that longing for the fields Sir Rueus cannot understand;

Comes a ghostly sort of doubt if e'en Society can give

All, quite all, for which a tvell-loved woman might desire to live ;

Comes a memory of his voice, a recollection of his glance,
Thoughts of things which then had power to make my maiden
pulses dance ;

Comes,—but I'm extremely stupid. Well, I know if our dear Fan
Took a fancy for a poet, I should soon dismiss the man.

Here she comes! She '11 wed, I hope, rich Yiscount Vivian ere the
fall.

She ne'er had had that chance, had I espoused the Lord of Locksley
HaU!

"Musam Tenui Meditatur A vena."

The remarks made by one of our Conservative contemporaries on
Saturday last, about two recent elections, were obviously unfair.
Mr. Talbot, as M.P. for Oxford, may represent Culture; but no
one can deny that Mr. Palmeb represents Reading, as well i
Biscuits.

To Sir J. McGarel Hogg.

(With Punch's compliments.)

" Metropolis Waterworks Purchase Bill" discharged. 'Tis just
as well;

It's pretty clear this Purchase Bill would have turned out a Sell.

going the wbong wat about it.

Hope by Anti-Socialist law-making to make an end of Hoedels
My worthy Schmidts and Mullebs, 'tis a notion fit for noodles!

Axi Scavi's Unsuccessful Attempt at a Rising.—Neither
Suavi-ter in modo nor fortiter in re.

COMPETITIVE CRICKETERS.

T say, Punch, old
I boy, I wish you'd
give a bit of ku-
dos to those fellows
in the House of Lords
who are trying to let
fellows get Commis-
sions in the Army
for playing well at
cricket or riding
pluckily to hounds.
The fellows kudossed
should be Lord Hae-
dinge and Lord
Hampton, whose
names both begin
with H; and they
might as well begin
with B, for they are
Bricks Both — Har-
cades Hamho, as our
friend 'Abet would
say, if he wanted to
show off his know-
ledge of the Classics.
Clipping dodge that
of Lord Habdinge,
to quote the Duke of
Wellington—old fogies always swear by the Old Duke, don't you
know ?—

" Viscount Hardinge remarked that the Duke of Wellington used to
say that the best officers were those who were accustomed to ride with the
hounds."

Arma virumque cano, don't you know ? or, as Chabley construes
it, " An Army man and with a dog." I say, wasn't that an awfully
good story of Lord Hampton's ?—

" A right reverend prelate, who had risen to great eminence as a school-
master, had told him that a Commission had been placed at his disposal for a
boy of his school. In making the selection he had not chosen the boy that
would be most successful at the University, but he had instituted an exami-
nation compounded of physical and intellectual tests; and in sendiug the
Captain of the Eleven of the school he thought he had sent the boy who would
best maintain the reputation of the school."

Awfully jolly fellow this Right Reverend, don't you think?
Instead of choosing some big Sap, fit only for the Sappers, fancy
picking out the Captain of the Cricketers I My eye ! don't I jut>t
wish that our Doctor would do likewise! Because I and Chabley
Ceibbee we are going in for Crams, because our time is up next
Christmas, and we've got to go to Sandhurst, and it's an awful
bore, of course, to have to read in such nice weather, just when
fellows, don't you know, must go in pretty hard for practice, if they
fancy they've a chance to play in the Eleven.

Chabley says it would be awful jolly if athletics were as good as
mathematics in Competitive Exams ; and if fellows could get marks
for foot-ball or lawn-tennis to count as high as those for Latin or
Geography. I'd say the same as Chabley, if it were not tortology
—that don't look spelt quite right, but you '11 know what I mean—
and so no more at present from yours truly,

Dr. Swishtail's, Saturday. Bobby Biceps.

New Setting an Old Saw.
The old distich ran—

'* If you be hurt with horn of hart it brings you to your bier ;

But barber's hand can boar's hurt heal, therefore thou needst not fear."

Punch would substitute, after last week's Debate—
If you be gored with Koebuck's horn the hurt is not severe :
And though the Roebuck's bore as well, you '11 survive it, never fear.

the bill, the whole bill, and nothing but the bill.

Seven thousand Sepoys at Malta will cost John Bull (see Sup-
plementary Estimate) £748,000, i. e. £100 a man. Black draughts
come expensive! "Throw physic to the dogs!" said Macbeth.
" Throw money to the dogs! " says Beitannia.

Muscle and Mind.

" Maeks for athletics ! " the Swells cry amain ; _
" So much more for muscle, so much less for brain.
Since muscle's the point with your upper-class lad,
And brain gives the pull to your lower-class cad."