Punch (77.1879)

September 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99

Distinguished Commander-in-Chief. Make a terrible

example of-■

Astute Adjutant-General {getting off_ his horse, and

bowing). The distinguished Commander-in-Chief-

Distinguished Commander-in- Chief (curvetting to the
front). And the Astute Adjutant-General! {To Audi-
ence.) And if our kind friends in front are only satisfied,
there isn't a merrier, madder autumn joke going than

Astute Adjutant-General. "The War - Office Plot;

or,-

Distinguished Commander-in-Chief. "The Terrible
Example." [They retire, bowing, as Curtain falls.

THE WOMAN'S EIGHTS' VIDE MECUM.

(Compiled for the use of Males by a Distinguished
Female Member of the British Association.)

Q. What is your position as a man ?
A. I am a unit in a minority.

Q. As women belong to the majority, what is your
duty to them ?
A. To submit myself entirely to their guidance.
Q. Have you any rights ?

A. Certainly. 1 have the right to know how to make
a pudding, to darn a stocking, and to scrub a floor.
Q. Are you the head of your own household ?
A. Yes, theoretically.

Q. What privilege does this theoretical "headship"
confer upon you ?

A. It gives me the privilege of settling all the bills
and earning the money with which those bills are paid.

Q. Ought you to be given a vote ?

A. That is_ a matter that should be referred to my
wife for decision.

Q. In what way has your education been neglected P

A. I have wasted my time in learning grammar when
it ought to have been employed in mastering the prin-
ciples of ironing, clothes-washing, and bonnet-trimming.

Q. Of whom should the Members of the House of
Commons consist ?

A. Of maiden Ladies who admit that they will never
again see five-and-thirty.

Q. When should an M.P. be forced to accept the
Stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds ?

A. When she shows her want of wisdom by taking a
husband.

Q. Ought such a person to be bullied by her " Lord
and Master?"

A. Of course she ought—the silly thing !

Q. In spite of this, what is the first duty of every
man, and why ?

A. To propose. Because every Lady should have the
right of choosing between single blessedness and married
life.

Q. Were a Bill passed to carry out this idea, would it
increase the number of marriages ?

A. Of course it would not.

Q. Why wouldn't it ?

A. Because it wouldn't.

Q. Then why should such a Bill be passed ?

A. For the very best and most conclusive of Ladies'
reasons—because it ought to be !

MEMORABLE DEPARTURE.

The Obituary of last week records the exit from Life's
stage, in advanced years, of one of the most meritorious
Actors that ever trod it—Sir Rowland Hill ; a performer
of the first class among those who perform uses. It has
been well suggested that his earthly relics should rest in
Westminster Abbey. In the meanwhile, his survivors
will please themselves in contemplating the Essential Self
of one of the greatest benefactors to his country and to
the civilised world that it ever produced, as now inhabit-
ing an abode among the band of departed, worthies who
in this life were heroes, and saints, and bards of the
better sort:—

" Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes."

An inventor, surely, of this description was the man of
genius for organisation who invented, and, in spite of all
opposition, succeeded in getting established, that system
of cheap postage which has been one of the chiefest addi-
tions contributed, in these latter times, or perhaps any
other, to the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

FRIVOLITY OF OUTWARD SHOW.

" I feel sure this hat 's not broad enough in the brim, aunt

Jemima! "

"What does it matter, Child ! Look at me ! I put on anything ! v

SERIOUS DOUBTS OP SCIENCE.

(A Soliloquy by a Training-College Tutor.)

There they go from their Congress, that crew of free-thinking Philosophers
they

Whose Cosmogony, naughty as new, and Biology, lead men astray !
Poor Apologists feeble, in vain, Faith and Science to reconcile try._
Truth's clear language away they explain when appearances give it the lie.

Ah, there seem firm foundations, no doubt, for the falsehoods those heretics hold,
The Geologists, they who make out that this world is tremendously old.
That the Sun, Moon, and Stars had their birth at no certain time, so long ago;
And that Man was in being on Earth ages ere we believe that we know.

True, the link 'twixt the Ape and Mankind they confide in remains to be found;
But ere long they '11 that evidence find, in the drift or elsewhere, I '11 be bound.
The delusion will then be complete, so that, when it has blinded their eyes,
They'll embrace and hold fast the deceit that Man's real descent was a rise.

Ay, and Science has wonders, in sooth, of what sort, if their nature were known ?
Lo, those fossils, a simular tooth, like enough, or a counterfeit bone.
Look, e'en skeletons whole and entire, in museums the Sages have got,
Which their minds with wild errors inspire—Mastodon, Megatherium, what
not ?—

Lying wonders and signs were to come. Have they not come, whilst men never
knew,

And deceived them all round, save but some, and almost even those chosen few r
I suspect, and incline to believe, locomotives and steamers a snare,
And photography feigned to deceive, a device of the Princedom of Air.

Electricity, too, with its light, and its quick-as-thought word-flashing wire !
Ha, and Science, by flying a kite, has it not from on high drawn down fire ?
The Deceiver, whose wiles to escape will be possible barely for me,_
May be Science in bodily shape ; some Professor, perhaps ; which is he ?