Punch (77.1879)

124

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 20, 1879.

Candidates applying for a nomination will be expected to satisfy
the Education Department that they know who was the inventor of
Needles, that they are acquainted with the places where they are
made and the mode of their manufacture, and that they have sailed
(at least once) round them.

Any Candidate possessing1 a patchwork counterpane or quilt, or a
family sampler, will be required to deposit a drawing of its pattern
and a specimen of its stitch, certified by a Justice of the Peace to be
done by the candidate's own hand, at the Education Office, fourteen
days before his nomination.

_ Any Candidate who can prove that he has ability sufficient to darn
his own socks and sew on his own buttons, will be entitled to extra
marks.

Candidates will have the option of writing an Essay either upon—
(1) "The Advantages and Miseries of Button-Holes," or (2) "The
History and Development of the Modern Wristband."
A preliminary examination will be held in London, Dublin, and
proceedings of the Inspector, will at once communicate with the j Edinburgh, and any Candidate failing to satisfy the Examineresses
Department. that he is competent to hem a duster, to distinguish long cloth from

In future the eyesight of all Candidates for Inspectorships must calico, to discriminate between cotton and thread, and to differentiate
be certified by the Government oculist. | " seam, and gusset, and band," will be disqualified for further

Henceforth all Candidates for Inspectorships will be required to competition,
produce, in addition to the usual certificates of baptism, vaccination, | The Education Office intend, as soon as the Long Vacation has
manners, respectability, &c., a certificate signed by three matrons ' terminated, to communicate with the authorities at our Universities,
(not being relations or friends), testifying that the holder has satis- : and to impress upon them the necessity of founding Professorships
fied them as to his knowledge of the theory and practice of Plain ■ of Plain Needlework. They also have in contemplation a scheme for
Needlework. the establishment of Training Needlework Colleges, where Candi-

Candidates not furnished with such a certificate must be prepared dates for Inspectorships could pass at least six months of their time
to pass an examination in Plain Needlework, both cutting-out and : before offering themselves for examination.

making, extending over three days, and conducted by examineresses J These regulations will remain in force until a Female Branch is
nominated by the Committee of Council on Education, the Society I added to the Education Department, when the Inspection of Needle-
of Arts, and the Commissioners of Sewers. (The Directors of the ! work, as well as of Cookery, Cleaning, Domestic Economy, and other
Bank of England have kindly offered the use of roomy apartments cognate Arts and Sciences, will be transferred to duly qualified
in Threadneedle Street, where the examinations will be held.) I Inspectoresses. By Order.

Great is the commotion in the Education Office. The telegraph
has been working night and day. Communications, in cipher, have
been continually passing between the Chiefs who are out of town
and the officers who are left in Whitehall, and the outcome of it all
is a set of stringent regulations, drawn up mainly with an eye to
future appointments, which will come into operation as soon as
Inspectors and Candidates for Inspectorships have had sufficient
time to acquaint themselves with their full force and meaning.
Alterations may be made in the new Code, but substantially it will
probably stand as follows :—

No. 81,647. September, 1879.

Inspection of Needlework in Elementary Schools.

At all future examinations of Needlework by H.M. Inspectors, a
Committee of Ladies (three to be a quarum) will be invited to attend,
under whose eyes the inspection will be conducted. The Education
Office is confident that any Lady who may not be satisfied with the

AUTUMN SUITS.

The World's fixed fashion, amidst

many mutable,
Is the pursuit of pleasures that

seem suitable;
But, like the suits Snips advertise

in Autumn,
They do not always suit us when

we've bought 'em.
Paterfamilias, of peace in quest,
Finds that small bills and Brighton

suit him best;
Mamma, whose marriageable flock

her care is,
Were better suited with the Rhine

and Paris.
Tom 's suited with a Moor and

much to shoot,
Fan finds the sands and spooning

better suit;
Jack's suited with an easy-going
tutor,

And Jane—at last—is suited with
a suitor.

i/V .JP Ar ,n Lilt declares Lawn-Tennis suits

* i '\W^S»fe^ her well;
cJsi^ /j-'V^^^^^^ Will's suited wheresoe'er he
- ; ^ y&f^ meets with Nell.

Monaco suits the impecunious Bob,
And Scarborough^the swell uplifted snob ;
Whilst Margate, where the toothsome shrimp is found,
Suits 'Arrt, so he swears, " down to the ground."
Fair weather suits the Cockney pseudo-Sailor,
Paid bills—when he can get 'em—suit his tailor.
Perks suit the sea-side harpy, apt at dodgings,
Whose victims are not suited with their lodgings.
Long holidays and tips just suit " our boys,"
While we 're best suited when they make least noise.
An early rising suits the wearied House,
But scarcely suits the partridges and grouse.
What sweetly suits the stumping minor Member
Is full reports—he gets it in September.
The wandering Savant finds he's suited well
With Science, plus the charms of Miss Blue Belle.
Sea-serpents and big gooseberries—for good reason—
Suit Editors ; Autumn's the Silly Season.
Ben's suited with success and Champagne jelly,
William with work and some new casus belli.
So badly have things grown, blown, rooted, fruited,
Farmers with the swamped season are not suited.

The mass of men,—sad it should so befall,—
Are suited—like a Zulu—'not at all.
Punch of all outward things, power, pleasure, pelf,
Is independent, for he suits—himself!

ARCADES AMBO ; OR, WHO 'S THE PATRIOT ?

Scene—The shady solitude of an
old Park. Acknowledged Or-
nament of Government plat-
form discovered on his back in
a swinging hammock, with a
pile of uncut Blue Books under
his head, gazing peacefully at
the calm heaven above him.

Acknowledged Ornament {re-
flecting). Yes, not a doubt of it—
the party horizon is as promising
—as clear, as yonder still and
smiling summer sky! No vestige
of a cloud. Berlin a triumph;
Cyprus almost forgotten; no
question asked about the Balkans;
the Zulu business ending really
economically; and, last not least,
due to the splendid foresight of
our illustrious Chief in all that
Afghan business, the prestige of
the country at its zenith! Capital!
The party is safe for years. Time
enough next Session to write to
the Lord Chancellor about

that- {Enter domestic with

evening paper.) Halloa! What's
this ? Another row ? {Jumps
from his hammock.) What! the
"Scientific" bubble burst? _ A
possible entanglement with
Russia ! Collapse ! Disaster !
The country ruined! Why, where
shall we be ? Oh, this will never
do! Hang it! — I'll wire to
Cairns at once ! [Does it.

Scene—The margin of a muddy
trout stream. Distinguished
Supporter of Opposition tactics
discovered huddled up, rod in
hand, upon a rain-drenched
gate staring irritably at the
water, and catching nothing.

Distinguished Supporter {cogi-
tating) . Disgusting prospect!
And yet we've had so much to
make it hot for them! Stagna-
tion all the winter ; — weather
rotting crops (I hope this rain
intends to keep it up) ; and then
they've made no end of slips.
But, there {lashing the water
angrily), what's the use of any-
thing ! I'm sure we've done
our best, when they've pulled
one way, to pull hard the other.
But what's the use of states-
manship ? We can't get in; and
if this kind of thing goes on, we
shan't be in—for years! There's
that tea business,—I've had to
take it for the Boy at last. {Enter
domestic with evening paper.)
No! never! Yes! Here it is
in black and white! {Flings
rod wildly into river and dances.)
Glorious ! Who could have
thought of such a stroke of luck
as this ? Another war L Re-
pulse, perhaps ! The mischief
spreading! A mutiny! Fresh
taxes! Sublime ! We shall be
in within six months ! By J ove!
the Boy shall wait! I'll wire
to stop the tea! [Does it.

Problem eor Professor Htjxlet.—Omne vivum ab ovo. Does
the egg contain an Ego ?