Punch (77.1879)

October 4, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

153

Bismarck (to Andeassy). We 've played against each other, as you
say;

So much the hetter—know each other's play.
Now let us try together. Tell you what,
I '11 take odds you and I can play the lot!

ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

tie rumour that Prince
Bismarck has proposed a
general European disarma-
ment having, Mr. Punch
observes, been received
with general satisfaction,
he has much pleasure in
giving publicity to the fol-
lowing on dits, which strike
him as equally authentic,
and deserving to be even
more welcome :—

Lord Beaconsfield will
shortly resign the Pre-
miership, for the purpose
of undertaking the ma-
nagement of an extensive
air-balloon and firework
factory now in course of
construction on his Lord-
ship's property at Hugh-
enden.

Mr. Paekell has ac-
cepted an engagement of
Mr. Faeixi to appear, with
the captive King Cete-
wayo and a few of the
Friendly Zulus, in a draw-
ing-room entertainment,
to commence, shortly after the opening of Parliament, at a central
spot in South Africa.

Lord Lytton has intimated to the Indian Secretary that he is
desirous of being immediately relieved of his Vice-Imperial func-
tions, in order that he may be able personally to superintend the
production of a new poetical pantomime of his own, now in active
preparation at the Court Theatre, Mandalay.

Sir Baetle Feeee will not, as has been reported, be offered the
first vacant Garter. It is his intention to confine himself, for the
present, to writing a defence of his South-African policy, which is
likely to occupy him a considerable time.

The repairs now in progress in St. James's Street are proceeding
steadily. If they are continued at the present rate, it may be
possible, some time early next spring, to cross after dark from one
pavement to the other, without the aid of a pair of stilts, two
policemen, and a dark lantern.

A Company has been formed for buying up all the mechanical
pianos in the Metropolis, with the copyright of the popular song,
" My Grandfather'1 s Clock.1' The Lunatic-Asylum Committees have
the privilege of purchasing them at cost price on the three years'
hire system.

In answer to a monster petition signed by five million and a half
readers of the daily papers, it has been unanimously determined not
to _ admit reporters to "the meetings of the forthcoming Social
Science Congress.

The Board of Works have directed the names of streets and num-
bers of houses to be painted on the gas-lamps, for the benefit of
persons wishing to know where they are after dark.

FRIENDS AT A DISTANCE.

(ThIED SEEIES.—SUMMEE.)

CHAPTER VII.

The Beginning of the End—Changes— Weather-glass—Beconnoitring
— Caution — Dew — Discussion — Prophetical— Weathercock-
Wire—News—Summing up— Callousness—Familiarity—Per-
fection—Politeness— Working order—Present state—Prospect-
Nephew—Keeping alive—On wires—Arrival.

'Tis the last strawberry of summer, all his blooming companions
have faded and gone. Nobody attempts to show me Ben Lomond, or
to point out Buens's Monument in the distance. We look at the
Isle of Arran when it is visible, and we look for it when it is in-
visible, silently. All that can be said about them has been said.
We have exhausted the subject. Even the weather, as a topic of
conversation, is dismissed cursorily. A few weeks ago, everybody

coming down fresh in the morning—" fresh " in the morning sounds
dissipated, but is meant healthily—used to tap the glass, screw
the ivory button, tap it again, scrutinise it closely as if trying to
detect a falsehood on the very face of it, shake his head despond-
ently, or hopefully, or triumphantly, as the case might be, and
then yield his place to the next comer, who would take his turn at
the glass with that eager, earnest expression that is seldom seen on a
man's face, except when he is looking at the dim reflection of himself
in a London shop-window, to see if he has got a black on his nose, or
not. Then the two barometer-inspectors would go outside, not
venturing further than the door-step, cautiously, as if fearful of
being taken by surprise and captured, and not stirring until they
have reconnoitred the carriage-road, left and right, as though on the
look-out for the sudden appearance of an unfriendly Zulu out of the
bushes.

There being no signs of danger, the visitors would step on to the
gravel, and some, braver than the others, would just touch the lawn
with the tips of their toes, drawing back quickly, as if they'd been
stung by something, and then examining their soles to see what was
the matter. This would lead to discussion.

Was the moisture the dew, or had there been a heavy fall of rain
in the night ?

This having been dew-ly settled, one way or the other, everyone
would then take up different positions for making meteorological
observations. More discussion. Prophecies. Doabts, fears, hopes.
Suddenly it strikes some one, that a really valuable opinion might be
obtained from the Weathercock, just as it would naturally occur to
anyone in a legal difficulty to consult a Solicitor.

The Weathercock, being consulted, differs slightly from that other
eminent authority, the Barometer, and, apparently, from two other
distinguished weathercocks in the immediate neighbourhood. Who
shall decide when weathercocks disagree ?

Sappy Thought.—Wire to Forecast Department in London, and
ask Clerk of the Weather what sort of a day we 're going to have
here in Scotland. Answer paid.

More conversation on the subject. Then a council would he held,
in the carriage-drive, with a view to reconcile these apparent dis-
crepancies. The most experienced in weather predictions talks of
what would be infallible signs in any other part of the world with
which he is personally acquainted, but admits that here he is at
fault—this being his first visit. One or two bold thinkers pronounce
for fine weather, and are regarded with a sort of veneration by the
more timid ; while the hopeful, but cautious minds, refer to the sunset
of last night as a prognostication of what the weather ought to be
to-day. The elders shake their heads dubiously, as old birds who
are not to be caught with chaff, and who, appearances being pro-
verbially deceptive, are not going out without their umbrellas—catch
them! Then the host, inclining to the last and more cautious
opinion, would give the others a ray of hope in pointing out how
hazy was the view of Benjamin Lomond and Buens's Monument,
" which," he would add, " is a good sign."

This summing-up used to be, mysteriously enough, the signal for
the gong to sound, which meant " All in, to begin ! "—breakfast.

But now this overture of the day, ending with the gong solo,
seldom takes place, or, if at all, on a very limited scale.

We nod at the glass indifferently, as much as to say, " Still there,
you old bore-ometer ! " We just go to the front-door, give a sharp
look out, shrug our shoulders, say nothing, and, the gong having
sounded long ago perhaps, without any of us having remarked it,
we enter the breakfast-room, nod to the nearest person, in much the
same style as we had previously nodded to the barometer, if we
haven't seen him before, and then occupy ourselves in a very
business-like way.

When we first met together in this pleasantest of Country Houses,
it was a perfect school of politeness for anyone to come into suddenly.
It was a real pleasure to see, and to assist in. No one could do too
much for anyone. The Gentlemen were eagerly watching the Ladies,
to anticipate their slightest wishes in the way of eggs, toast, ham,
chicken, kijjaree, marmalade, strawberries, and so forth, while the
Ladies showed their appreciation of this devotion, by presiding in a
really masterly manner at the tea-urn, coffee- and cocoa-pots,
never allowing hot milk to do duty for cold, keeping the tea fresh
and fresh, in fact, hotter and hotter, so that the last cup of any of
the breakfast beverages was equal to the first in strength, tone, taste,
temperature, and every other perfection.

Then, after a few days, we improved. The politeness was in no
way diminished: on the contrary, it was at high pressure, and in
full working order. All went easily, without effort. Gentlemen
knew which Ladies took ham, which eggs, and which eggs and ham,
how many were for chicken, how many were for braised pie, and
could tell to a second when each would be ready for a clean plate
and a fresh help. The waiting of the Gentlemen was so perfect, that
the Ladies never had to wait at all.

On the other hand, the Ladies knew to a man who took coffee,
who tea, and who cocoa, who took hot milk, who cold, who liked
much sugar, who liked little, and who took none, and everyone was