Punch (77.1879)

October 18, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

177

WHITE KIDS IN ABERDEEN.

o:\ie few days ago,
there was an in-
terpellation in the
Aberdeen Town
Council touching
a rather startling
charge of £9 18s.
for gloves, pre-
sented " to the
Judge and Court
on the day of the
Maiden Circuit
Court."

In explanation,
the Treasurer
said that with
the richly em-
Droidered gloves
presented to the
Judge, there
was a box. But
besides the
Judge's gloves
and box, thirty-
six pairs of white
kids figured in
the bill, which it
is not so easy to
account for, unless it be that "white kids" maybe supposed such
fit symbols of the innocence shown by a Maiden Assize, that there
could not be too many of them.

But of these white kids, one pair, at least, seems to have been
presented to Mrs. Langtry. Now if that famous beauty may be
supposed to have a right on any Circuit—it is the Married Women's,
not the Maiden, Circuit. No doubt her white hands will set off the
white kids, and the white kids her white hands—so let us hope
the Town Council will not press its inquiries further. But Punch
would suggest an alteration of the old saw, and the substitution
of "White Kids in Aberdeen" for the " Cauld Kail" of ancient
tradition.

THE INSTETJCTIVE DEAMA.

_ Though Mr. Punch has formed his own opinion—and a very de-
cided one—on the true functions of the Stage as a moulder of morals,
he is quite willing to look on approvingly at the honest endeavours
of those from whom he differs, when they take up this question of
the hour in an earnest spirit. If he cannot quite go with the latest
proposition of a "National Theatre," managed by ornaments of
Literature, Art, and Science, under the presidency of a philosophic
Church dignitary, he sees no reason why such an institution should not
be allowed to have a fair chance. Indeed, he is willing to do some-
thing for it himself, by supplying the Committee with what they will
be sure to want immediately, but will not, Mr. Punch imagines,
easily find ready to hand—namely, their first piece ; only stipulating
for two-thirds of the gross receipts whenever it is produced,

ACT I.

A Picture Gallery in the hereditary mansion of an Educational
Earl. On the wall, set diagonally, so as to be visible to the
audience, full-length Portraits of all the English Sovereigns
from William the Conqueror to Victoria. Left—a large black-
board, full-sized pair of Globes, with geographical, geological,
and zoological Charts. As Curtain rises, Educational Earl dis-
covered opposite a reading-desk on which a volume of Hallam is
lying open. At his feet, on a low satin ottoman, playing idly
with a patent double-action air-pump, his daughter Honoria.
Honoria. It is very interesting. Nay, more : it is very beautiful!
—very very beautiful! Proceed, dear Papa !

Educational Earl. I will, my child. As I was saying, William
the Second was called "Rtjeus," because he had a ruddy com-
plexion. Yet, one day as he was hunting in the New Forest, Sir
Walter Ttrrel, shooting at a deer, missed his mark, and his arrow,
glancing from a tree, pierced the King to the heart. I should add
that during this reign the woollen trade first grew into importance.
But there—I see : I weary my poor child !
Honoria. Dear, dear Papa! Can Pinnock ever tire?
Educational Earl. Noble girl! But there is a richer rarer treat in
store for us here,—Hallani's Constitutional History ! In this edition
of ten volumes there are but 1754 pages. Listen ! {Reads the whole
of it). Ha ! She sleeps. It was ever thus with her sainted mother!

Enter a Colonial Bishop and a Distinguished F.R.S.
Colonial Bishop. I am poor, my Lord, but proud. What are

' material riches to wealth of intellect ? I have here published the
sermons that raised me to the exalted position I fill. But before I
ask the priceless jewel of your daughter's hand, you shall judge of me
as I am. You shall hear them all!
Educational Earl {hastily). Nay, take her, she is yours !
Colonial Bishop. Without satisfying you of my chances of even
yet getting hold of something better at home ? Never! I must read
them all. {Does so.) What ? he slumbers ! It was ever thus with
my congregations. But no matter! I will go for another volume !

[Exit.

Honoria {walking, and regarding the air-pump fondly). 0 science !
Divine goddess! Do I not know that if I put a guinea-pig under
this receiver, and give but a few gentle turns to the handle, it in-
stantly feels uncomfortable ! Can anything be more absorbing, more
soul-subduing, than this ?

Distinguished F.R.S. {seizing her hand). One thing—only one—a
meeting after sunset on the summit of Snowdon, and the secret shall
be yours!

Honoria. Unhand me, Sir ! {Aside.) See, my father wakes, and
will, perhaps, be fresh for the Plantagenets! {Addressing Dis-
tinguished F.R.S.) I will be there ! And you will tell me-?

Distinguished F.R.S. All!

ACT II.

The Summit of Snoiodon. Distinguished F.R.S. discovered anxiously
watching an experiment he is conducting at a portable lecture-
table.

Distinguished F.R.S. At last! The gas mounts freely! But,
see, she comes. [Enter Honoria.

Honoria {aside). He is here! And this secret? Be still, my
beating heart.

Distinguished F.R.S. Honoria! for I feel that our intellectual

kinship sanctions me this familiarity, I am here to talk to you-

Honoria {ivith dignity). Not, Sir, of love?

Distinguished F.R.S. No ; of oxygen. I have chosen this
elevated spot that I might better illustrate what I could say,—
and I have much to say ! {Points to table.) See, I am prepared!

Honoria. Oh ! Sir, take pity on a defenceless girl.

Distinguished F.R.S. Pity? Why should you, fair and queenly
though you are, not know that this gas unites with hydrogen to
form the common water that we drink, and that if the lungs, instead
of receiving a proper supply of it, are choked with an accumulation
of carbonic acid—a poison fatal to man (though beneficial to plants)
—death is the result ?

Honoria. Oh ! this is too horrible ! Let me fly to my poor father!
MangnalV s Questions are not worse than this!

Distinguished F.R.S. Worse! Listen, foolish girl! Are you
aware that to prepare this gas on a small scale, I have already put
some binoxide of manganese (Mn 0?), and some chlorate of potassa
(KO, CL05), into a Florence flask, mixing them well together, while
I have taken good care that the flask is quite dry both inside and
out ? Are you aware that even as I am speaking, oxygen is being
freely given off into this stout deflagrating-jar, which will be safer
for our experiments than the ordinary pickle-bottle ?

Honoria. No, I did not know this!

Distinguished F.R.S. Nor did you know that when I place this
piece of ignited phosphorus (taking great care not to touch it with
my fingers) into the jar, you are witnessing one of the most beautiful
experiments in the range of chemical science, and one that may be
safely tried, if only ordinary care be exercised ?

Honoria. No, indeed ! I seem to move in a new world !

Distinguished F.R.S. Honoria! You do ! Listen to me ! When
baryta is in company with strontia, their carbonates may be dis-
solved in H CI, the solution evaporated to dryness, and the residue
digested with strong alcohol / This, my fair one, shall never happen
to us!

Honoria. Never!

Enter Educational Earl and Colonial Bishop.
Colonial Bishop. Ha! She shall hear my last sermon. [Preaches it.
Educational Earl. My child! See, I have brought Hume and
Smollett. {Reads a volume.) Come back to your old father !
Honoria. Too late! Mv future home is-

Distinguished F.R.S. With me, proud Earl,—at the Polytechnic !

Tableau.

ACT III.

But Mr. Punch need not, he thinks, continue his labours

further than to point out that the close of his instructive drama may
be made a good vehicle for surgery, household information, garden-
ing statistics, and general moral precept. These, worked in with a
good tag compiled from a standard Encyclopcedia, cannot fail in time
literally to bring down any house.

Chess Problem Solved at Cape Town.—Zulu-King Castled.