Punch (77.1879)

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184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 25, 1879.

WAN i ED A HOUSEMAID NOT AFRAID OF DIRTY WORK,

Apply at the Albert Memorial.

NO PHYSIOLOGY!

^ The Morning Post informs Society that
a resolution to petition Parliament for the
entire prohibition of Vivisection, proposed
at a meeting of the Anti-Vivisection Society
on Wednesday last week, was seconded by
a gentleman named Beat, whose voice may
be claimed as that of a representative
speaker. Carried unanimously of course.
Whereupon;—

" Mr. "Walbrook (Secretary) read a resolu-
tion which had just been passed at Blackburn of
congratulation on the progress of the movement,
and alluded to the G. H. Lewes' Studentship
for Original .Research in Physiology (or Vivi-
section), for which that day was the latest for
applicants, and was to be open to women as can-
didates. This announcement was received with
strong expressions of surprise and disapproval by
the meeting."

By the above showing, Physiology, and
Vivisection, in the sight of the Secretary of
the Anti-Vivisection Society, and in the
eyes also of that more amiable than intel-
ligent association itself, mean the same
thing. Of course they are alike hostile to
both. But why are they surprised to hear
that a physiological studentship is open to
the gentler sex, and wherefore do they dis-
approve of that very reasonable arrange-
ment ? It ought to be evident, even to the
Anti-Vivisection Society, that an animal
subjected to any operation involving pain
would probably suffer all the less under the
hands of one of the more tender-hearted por-
tion of mankind. Against a truism so
manifest as this, one would hardly expect to
hear a Bray, even at a meeting of Anti-
Vivisectionists.

Caught Flying.

(At the late Prize Distribution by the Turners'
Company.)

f First Distinguished Turner (Just honoured
with the Freedom of the Company, humor-
ously) to Second Distinguished Ditto. Now,
Brother Turner, we must each buy a lathe.

Second Distinguished Turner (in the
dark). A lathe! a lathe! What's a
lathe ?

What Letter expresses the Rawlinson
policy in Afghanistan ?

An X. It naturally suggests a Y.

You have been planted on one side of the herring pond, and I have
been planted on the other. That's so. But it's the way we usually
begin our orations in these diggings. And you may dedooce the
conclusion that it ain't a bad way of beginning. You and me like to
talk business. When we talk business over here we come to the
point pretty slick. We have no leisure class in this infant country
of gigantic destinies. We are a prospering and a go-a-head country.
Being short of hands we go in for heads. We have raised a race of
inventors. Guess we can turn out almost anything in the mechani-
cal and labour-saving line, from a sewing machine to a ruling sove-
reign—or as we oughter call him, perhaps, an Almighty Dollar !

Economy and simplicity are the leading principles of our in-
ventors. Guess they have got to be, if they mean to hitch on, and
keep a hold on the market.

_ If you want the last new thing in Sovereigns, warranted to cost
little, and run without hitches, guess you'd better try me, as the last
Yankee notion in the patent folding and mechanical brass-joint
ruler line—and as such bound to be just about the best on the
stand, and a sight better than you are likely to find in any
European store where they keep that class of manufactures.

Your Old Country is getting about used up, and. would be a
darned sight better for new soling and heeling. Guess shoe-making
and mending is one of the things we do best out here. I admit that
Paris is just about the spryest, slickest, liveliest, cussedest city in
all creation ! That's why we like it so well. But it wants develop-
ing on our line of rails.

You get an American first Magistrate for life. No four-year terms,

no President's election, no nonsense of that kind. Guess that aren't
the thing to borrow from this side. No, Sir. Try him, and see
if he don't make a darned sight more out of your privileges, water
and others, your cars, your restaurants, your institutions generally,
and your suffrage in particular. Why I could show your Paris
Proletariat how to as good as double their earnings out of their
political privileges only. And if I couldn't put your municipal
counsels up to a thing or two, what's the good of having known
Boss Tweed for the best two years of his reign in Tammany ?
I dare say some of you know I'm a Patterson by the mother's
side, as well as a Buonaparte by the father's. Waal, I calculate
Corsican stock is all the better for crossing. They 're a people of
clear grit, who can stick to a cause or a quarrel, and find a Derringer
the shortest way out of a difficulty. But they want to be taught
that business is business, if shooting is pleasure ; and that you
should never draw a man's blood as long as you can get anything
else out of him. If Western Americans want that lesson, Frenchmen
generally would not be the worse of it.

Waal I have already told you we have no_ leisure class out here,
so I bring my letter to a conclusion with a fair offer.

If you want a cheap, double-action, high-pressure Emperor,
working the maximum of power to the pound, and guaranteed
against busting up, you know where to look for him. You write
to me, " J. B. B., Box No. 1, New York," and I'll be to hand by the
next White Star boat. That's so.

Your Friend and Emperor that is to be, if you like,

Jerome B. Patterson (Ne Buonaparte).