Punch (77.1879)

208

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 8, 1879.

Bar {Loud applause.) I hope I may point out that such conduct is
not dignified—I think I may go so far as to say it is not gentleman-
like. [Thunders of applause)

" And now 1 must bring my remarks to a conclusion. ( No, No J )
I must, indeed. (" No, No, No /") In future I intend to devote the
whole of my time to the protection of the morals of the City of Lon-
don in general, and the Rising Generation in particular. This, the
great work of my public position, I shall henceforth prosecute in a
purely private capacity." {Loud and long continued applause.)

The late Lord Mayor then resumed his seat amidst every demon-
stration of enthusiasm.

SAYS MYSELF TO MYSELF.

he Night Thoughts
of a British Elec-
tor—

Why have I
had to wade
through six co-
lumns of partizan
rhetoric every
day for the last
fortnight ?

Have I got any
good from the
infliction ?

Do I really be-
lieve, with Lord
Salisbury, that
the security of
the country will
be jeopardised if
the present Go-
vernment don't
stay in ?

Am I prepared,
with Mr. Bright,
to tear my hair
and emigrate, un-
less they go out ?

Have I quite
made up my mind

that Russia is only biding her time to walk all of a sudden into the
Isle of Wight ?

Has Mr. Chamberlain persuaded me that the Czab hates the
sight of his own epaulettes, and never lets one of his birthdays pass
without proposing an European disarmament ?

Has the Attorney-General quite convinced me that the new
Alexander the Great wears long black curls, and is perpetually
creeping about Europe in a cloak and mask, with loaded pistols,
seeking whom he may bid " Stand and deliver ?"

Has the Pall Mall left me entirely convinced that the Russian
Bear is the Beast of the Apocalypse ? And do I, in my heart, believe
him the Raging and Roaring Lion he is painted, at once so diabo-
lically wicked, so densely obtuse, so prefer naturally strong, so miser-
ably weak, so idiotically silly, and so Mephistophelically Machia-
vellian as the P. M. and the M.P. represent him ?

Am I really obliged to Sir Stafford for putting off the payment of
my Bills till a more convenient season ?

Did I quite like forking out Six MiUions in a lump for fireworks ?

Have I any intention of ordering another supply at the same
figure this 5th of November ?

Am I dying to see the Treaty of Berlin torn up into spills ?

On the other hand, should I break my heart if it were ?

Is the Berlin Treaty such a brilliant success as Lord Salisbury
tells me ?

Is it quite the miserable failure Sir W. Y. Harcourt. makes it
out?

Do I quite see my way on either Party's lines ?
By the way, now I think of it, do I quite know what either Party's
lines are r

Am I so satisfied with Lord B. as Treasury tenant, that I ought to
renew his lease of the premises unconditionally for another Parlia-
ment ?

Are those precious phrases, " Peace with Honour " and " A Scien-
tific frontier," worth what I've paid for them ?
Could I be much_worse off—suppose I concluded for the negative ?

AN EDUCATIONAL GRIEVANCE.
Dear Punch,

Sarah-Jane, my eldest, was worth 12s. to the School-
Board of Linkumdoddy, last examination by H. M. I. She passed
in three specifics—can prove that astronomy's correct, that there
are five periods in the English language, that flowers have polysyl-
labic functions and botanical names. That girl is worth 4s. Qd. more
to the Linkumdoddy School-Board' than your dog Toby to the
Imperial Treasury.

Tom passed in Standard VI. and two specials, clearing an ugly
interminate decimal, and winning 20s.

The twins struggled through Standard IV. and two specifics, 40s.

Bob made 12s. in Standard II.

And the Infant 8s. by attendances.

That is a magnificent result-plant worth £4 12s. Od, nourished by
my family's brains, and plucked and eaten by the School-Board.

What is the School-Board's gratitude to poor Pater—a farmer,
with much-soaked crops, and many worn clothes and dog's-
eared books to renew,—for this magnificent contribution to the
cause of education ? Why, its school-fees are as high as ever, and
it saddles me with an education-rate equal to what my children earn
for it. Should not the money earned by my offspring cancel this new
tax P What's the use of my having children with bright parts,
I should like to know ? They might as well be dull, and then their
lawful owners would not lose so much money by them.

A Canny Caledonian.

MORE " TURNING HIS FLANK."

[Vide Punch, Oct. 25, 1879.)

Mr. Punch has filled two waste-paper baskets with complaints, on
the score of age, of his illustration of an excellent old story, showing
how a Lawyer served a Butcher. Old ? Of course it is old. But is
its warning the less wanted ? But if age is an objection to a good
story any more than to good wine, here is a sequel of this old story,
which has the merit of novelty while just as true as the original
Joe : —

The Butcher handed over to the Lawyer his twopenny balance,
and informed against him for keeping a dog Avithout a licence.

The Lawyer was convicted, and fined ten shillings with costs.

The Lawyer again fixed his right eye on the Butcher, and with his
left eye discovered a doubtful-looking one-pound weight lying on
his shop-board.

The Butcher handed over to the Lawyer one pound sterling, " to
say nothing more about it."
The Lawyer cried " Ouits ! "

The Butcher put his shutters up, and the little dog wagged his
tail.

sors tennysoniana at the refreshment-room, york.
{For the Southward-bound by "Flying Scotchman:')
" 0 Swallow, Swallow quickly, flying South ! "

HAPPY YOUNG PEOPLE !

"Monday, October 27, 1879.
" Their Eoyal Highnesses the Prince and Princess of Wales, accompanied
by Princess Louisa, Princess Victoria, Princess Maude, the Grand Duke
and Hereditary Grand Duke of Hesse, together with Prince Ferdinand of
Glucksburg, Prince Louis of Battenburg, and suites, honoured Madame
Tussaud's Exhibition with a visit this evening."

Ah, Royal lads, and lasses too, of wax,

No royalties of worse than wax to bore you—

Nought heavier than young years on your backs,
And Baker Street's gay gaslight world before you!

Merry young fraters, golden-haired young sorors,
Long may you take all Tussaud shows for true—

All, save the Blue-Beard chamber, hight "of Horrors."
Long, long may that remain locked fast for you !

Fallibility a Banco, Infallibility ex Cathedra.

Sir,

You have ruled that fl eggs are meat; " and I incline to agree
with you ; but surely the Leeds Stipendiary may plead the Pope m
favour of his judgment, that " eggs are not meat." Roman Catholics
may eat eggs on Fridays, though they are forbidden by their Church,
whose head is infallible, to eat meat. Therefore, eggs cannot be meat.
Then do not be too hard on Mr. Bruce. Think of the conflict of
authorities! Punch on one side, the Pope on the other!

Yours, sincerely,

DuBITANS.

P.S.—I am glad to see that Mr. Bruce has since ruled that though
eggs are not meat, they are provisions. Thus fallibility and infalli-
bility are brought nearer, at least, to reconciliation.