Punch (77.1879)

December 6, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261

IRISH PROVENDER.

. Kill Iu^"" T) efereing to the

1 IwUy .,. r\ well-known anec-
A dote, respecting
the man who said he
had tried everything
to qrucken his horse's
pace, and was asked if
he had tried oats, the
Times, in a leader on
Irish affairs, observes :
—"We have now tried
oats with Ireland, and
yet she is not satisfied."
The question remains
to be asked — '' Have
yon tried thistles ? "
Certainly, we have
not yet tried Home
Rule.

well bestowed.

A Gold Medal has
been presented by the
Society of Arts to Messrs.
^T^^ ^IB' J. and A. W. Birt for
^^^K i Bral '' ^ne collection of buoy-
-~==3fe^=S™tlffl ant articles sent in by
Eyj^fjjgf them." We shall be
glad to hear from these
o=* ~— \ gentlemen.

HAPPY-THOUGHT GUIDE TO LONDON.

{Being a Dickens of a Dickensionary for the use of Visitors to the

Metropolis.)

STOCK EXCHANGE.—Built for exchanging Stocks of all sorts.
Formerly there used to be a larger variety of Stocks than now.
There were satin Stocks that went round the neck, and wooden
Stocks that were sat in as a punishment, and Stocks which were
worth so much per scentum to their growers, and were the pride of
the Haughty Culturists. Then there are the other Stocks which are
considered as having something to do with Ritualism on account of
their being in-vestments. On the Exchange there are all sorts of
dealers,—fair dealers, dark dealers, plain dealers, and handsome
dealers. Besides dealers, there are also shufflers. The dealers in Stocks
are called Stock Brokers and Stock Jobbers. No one can become a
Broker unless there is good security for his not breaking. As far as
a client from the outside public is concerned, the distinction, between
a jobber and a broker, is about the same as between an attorney and
a solicitor. There is a third class, which is an amalgamation of the
two, and may be either a broker or a jobber, or something of both,
and is called a Joker. The Jokers at one time formed a very large
and powerful party, and the Exchange itself, like old Exeter Change,
was very nearly being turned into a Bear Garden—a bare garden and
nothing more. But Bulls on the establishment were not to be cowed ;
and having pronounced the Bears unbearable, they prevented them
from having it entirely to themselves. "Bear and Forbear "was
thenceforward the motto. But to a certain extent the danger still
exists, and no stranger is allowed to venture unprotected among these
ferocious animals. No one with a red handkerchief is ever admitted
under any pretext whatever. The operation of Stock-breaking may
be witnessed every morning early, and is most interesting. While the
Jobbers, in their picturesque dresses, are driving in the Bulls and
Bears for the day, the Brokers go on breaking the Stocks until
they become merely Reduced Consols, when being in a portable
form, they are taken to the Bank. On holidays the Bulls go to the
theatres, and are great patrons of the style of entertainment called
Opera Bceuf.

STOKE NEWINGTON.-A suburb, so called from the large
colony of Stokers residing in the neighbourhood. They are early
victims of the tender passion; and on Sunday, being fond of finery,
go about like wild Injines.

STRAND.—Is the link between the City and the West, but it was
more than a mere link when Mr. Hollingshead's electric light shone
in every direction from the Gaiety Theatre.

STRAND THEATRE.—Formerly noted for burlesque, and now
for operas bouffes. It was at one time probably nearer the river than
it is at present, and was known as the " Home of the Swans," or the
Swan-borough. " Mons " Maritjs, the celebrated Roman noble who,
having become tired of crying over a ruin, is now singing for a

fortune, has for a long time been one of the notabilities of this theatre.
Miss St. John, or, as it is pronounced, " Sinjitn," is another ; and
they both join in a duet—harmoniously sinjun together. It is still
the Swan-borough, or Town of the Swans, where a Hen durstn't
show up, though A Hen-derson does.
STREETS. (See Streeter.)

SURREY THEATRE.—Across the water. {See Holland.) "A
Surrey Sight! "—Shaxsdeare.

SWIMMING.—Baths for this purpose on the Thames, established
by a public benefactor, who had water on the brain and swimming in
the head. They are getting on swimmingly.

T.—"He always came home to T,"—and here we are at last in
this Dickensionary.

TELEGRAPH—The Daily Telegraph, or D. T. The proprietors
of this journal are the only instance on record of persons happy in a
chronic state of " D. T." So far from its affecting their general
health, they are announced as having the largest circulation in the
world.

TELEGRAPH OFFICES—Words, twenty a shilling, use_ of
pencil and paper, or pen and ink, inklu&ed. Many of the officials
are young Ladies who are instructed to wire written messages, being
of a very ink-wiring turn of mind. None but lissom and wirey
young people are chosen. They soon overcome their natural repug-
nance to anything as startling as an electric battery, and work the
wires regularly without even being shocked. The first qualification
for a telegraph girl is that she must be an adept at the needle. (The
eccentric person once notorious as Sal Yolatile or " Wirey Sal" was
a dancer, not a telegraphiste.) The second qualification is that they
should be able to make an electric-battery pudding. The examina-
tion stops at this point.

THAMES CONSERVANCY.—A Company Limited, having shares
in the two Thames Banks which keep the river between them.

TOWER HAMLETS LIBERAL CLUB.—A Shakspearian Society
for providing Hamlets on liberal terms to any of the theatres. Un-
fortunately, there is no Ophelia Club, and therefore the Hamlets
have little opportunity.

TOWER OF LONDON—Formerly the property of Mr. Harrison
AinswortHj but now thrown open to the public. Ask to see the " Re-
galia "—which is the finest specimen of a cigar introduced into Eng-
land by Sir Walter Raleigh. The wood block will interest Artists.

TRAFALGAR SQUARE.—Where the celebrated battle of Tra-
falgar was fought, the site of which is marked by the Nelson Column
and the four Lions of Landseee, which commemorate the fact,
that, in consequence of this great naval victory, the Great Napoleon
did not invade our lands here. Sir Edwin is the only sculptor who
has carved the British Lion for the public.

TRAVELLERS' CLUB.—The great advantage of belonging to
this Club is, that, on Sunday if you are out for a long walk and in
need of refreshment, you can always show your certificate of mem-
bership, and be served with refreshments as a bond fide Traveller. In
this Club there is a fine Commercial Room, much frequented by the
best kind of Travellers.

TREASURY.—Open every Saturday to every one from 12 till 2.
Present your bills and they will be paid in full. This institution as
a relief for oppressed individuals ia very little known. No change
given.

TURF CLUB.—Principal members Bishops, qualified on account
of their Lawn. Motto—" All Flesh is Grass: and Everybody more
or less Green." Masters of Hounds, wishing to play cards, must
bring their own packs!

TUSSAUD'S EXHIBITION. — This Exhibition is perpetually
making " hits" with its wax. In the Chamber of Horrors, for six-
pence extra, you can hear lectures on ''orrery.

TYBURNIA.—A portion of London so called from old Tyburn,
where the celebrated Tyburn Tree, i.e., Gallows, was. The place to
a certain extent still preserves its ancient reputation, as numbers of
people " hang out" here.

Paris to her Parliament.

{A Round. Offered to the Senate and Assembly reassembled at Paris, in the
Luxembourg and Palais Bourbon, November 27, 1879.

Welcome, little Stranger!

So Ion? from us a ranger.

From Versailles and all its glories,

And all the silly stories

Of our rowdyisms and shindyisms,

And Victor-Hugo windyisms,

Our Amnesterians plenary,

And our Revolution scenery—

Welcome, little Stranger,

So long from us a ranger !

A Real Augury.—Who but a goose would ever have had any faith
in the Treaty of " Gandermuck ? " Signed on Michaelmas Day, too!