Punch (77.1879)

280 PUNCH, OB. THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 20, 1879.

A

CHRISTMAS TRIADS.

[By Smelfungus, Senior.)

S,'our "Welsh
an cestors
disposed all
things in " Tri-
ads"—or sets of
three—so Smel-
eungus, Senior,
would dispose
certain Christ-
mas phenomena.

The Three Out-
door Curses of
Christmas. — A
long frost, A
sndden thaw, An
east wind.

The Three In-
door Curses of
Christmas. —
Water-pipes that
burst, Boilers
that blow up,
Houses that
can't be warmed.

The Three
Dinner Penances
of Christmas.—
Turkey, Plum-
pudding, Mince-
pie.

The Three Evening Penances of Christmas.—Parties, Pantomimes,
Private theatricals.

The Three Day Penances of Christmas.—Holiday boys, High
Church bells, Hospitable humbug.

The Three Trials of Christmas Pockets.—Christmas Bills, Christ-
mas Boxes, Christmas Benevolent Appeals.

The Three Trials of Christmas Tempers.—Christmas Numbers,
Christmas Cards, Christmas Waits.

The Three Outcomes of Christmas Eating. — Dyspepsia for the
Elders, Stomach-ache for the Juveniles, Doctors' bills for all.

The Three Growths of Christmas Dri?iking.—Gout iov the rich,
Distress for the poor, Headaches for both.

Last and best, to these triads of Smelfungus Senior let Punch
add a triad of his own, with thanks to Messrs. Kelly, Whttakeb,
and Lett:—

The Three Indispensables of Christmas. — Kelly'1 s Post Office
Directory, Whitaker's Almanack, and Letts'1 s Diaries.

HIGHER EDUCATIONAL PANTOMIME.

The age is nothing if not educational. The results of the elections
for the London School Board have proved that the British Public are
bent on strengthening the hands of the educators. Under these cir-
cumstances, Mr. Punch, always anxious to assist in the carrying
out of every good work, begs to make a suggestion to the theatres.
The pantomimes in a fortnight will be attracting thousands and
thousands of juveniles. Why should not the "comic scenes" be
turned to account in combining amusement with instruction P

Surely, something like the following would be far better than the
ordinary trivial succession of painful practical jokes with hot pokers,
disgusting liberties with babies and nursemaids, demoralising rob-
beries from shops and the person, and mischievous defiance of
authority in the shape of a policeman whose corruptness is only
equalled by his incompetency.

When the Transformation Scene [the Home of the Fairy Scholastica
in the realms of Useful Knowledge) has reached its highest de-
velop?nent in the Sixth Grade, in a constellation of Mathematical
Diagrams, illuminated with coloured fires, the Fairy Scholastica
addresses the principal characters :—

Co,—in another sphere more honours win,—

Figures and Facts transform as Harlequin!

This will be no mean agent in thy hand—{Gives cane)—

" Knowledge is power "—'twill come at its command.

And now, sweet maid, a pleasing task is thine,

Sit on the School Board, as fair Columbine !

You to your lessons,—second childhood's boon!

'Tis not too late to learn as Pantaloon !

You help him get instruction's physic down,

As agricultural half-timer, Clown !

Theltransformations take place, and the Scene changes to View of
the Planetary System.—The Planets, with their Moons, are seen
revolving round the Sun. Trip for Harlequin and Columbine,
in which, by means of scarfs gracefully disposed, they introduce a
succession of Astronomical statistics. Harlequin and Columbine
dance off. Enter Clown, clinging to the tail of a Comet, and
Pantaloon in a balloon. As Clown describes a parabolic curve
round the Sun, Comet's tail drops off, and he disappears in a
shower of Asteroids. Pantaloon looks through telescope at
Neptune, which suddenly becomes transparent, displaying in-
formation—" Discovered by Gaxle [proceeding on the calcula-
tions of Le Verbxee and Adams) in September, 1846."
VsLJxtalooii'greedily swallows Information ; and Information, in
its turn, swallows .Pantaloon. Clown suddenly reappears
on a planetoid, and knocks Pantaloon out of the balloon into an
immense milk-pail, which shows label, " Via Lactea—Demo-
CfilTUS pinxit, a.c. 428." Harlequin touches label with his wand;
and name changes to "Milky Way." Clown attempts to catch
Harlequin, who jumps through Saturn. Clown tries to follow,
but is caught by Saturn''s belt. Clown and Pantaloon frightened
by Dog Star. Harlequin gives Columbine his wand. She touches
the Planets, and they change to their mythological representa-
tives, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, fyc. Clown flirts with Venus.
Harlequin protects her. Clown sets Dog Star at him. Har-
lequin jumps through the Sun, which shows label, " Total
eclipse.'" Clown tries to follow, but sticks half way, when
label changes to " Partial eclipse." Rally of Planets, with
Spill and Pelt of Asteroids. Harlequin, who has recovered his
bat, strikes Sun, and the Scene changes to

The Temple of Justice in the realms of Roman Law. Ballet of
Greek School- Youths and Maidens, illustrative of the Moods
and Tenses of the verb tvwtw. Enter Clown and Pantaloon.
They knock at the door of the Temple. Clown lies in front of
the door. Enter Justinian, who falls over him. Clown apolo-
gises, throwing blame on Pantaloon, and expresses his wish for
instruction. Justinian shakes his fist at Pantaloon, and returns
to the Temple. Clown and Pantaloon begin to study the Roman
Law in the summary on the tympanum of the Temple. Re-enter
Justinian, with a large Volume labelled " Institutes," with
which he hits at Clown, who dodges, and Pantaloon is knocked
down. Clown bonnets Justinian, and tries to run off with
"Institutes." Enter Harlequin, who bats "Institutes." The
Volume opens, and a series of living pictures are displayed,
with explanations by Justinian, shoioing—1. " The Ceremony
of Manumission by Vindicta; 2. "The making ofa Will under
the Jus tripartitum ; " and 3. "A Thief gu:ity o/Bona vi rapta."
Harlequin bats the Volume. It disappear s. Enter Roman
Paterfamilias, with his daughters. Clown steals one. Pater-
familias insists on his Patria Potestas, and calls for the Juris-
prudentes. They enter from the Temple, headed by Papinian.
Clown and Pantaloon attack them. Enter Lictors, with fasces,
who scourge Clown and Pantaloon. Papinian throws off his
toga, and appears as Harlequin. He bats Temple. The Scene
changes to

The Last Scene — Cosmopolitan Abode of Geography, showing
birds'-eye dissolving views of all the principal towns, rivers
and mountains of the earth. Medley Ballet of European king-
doms, with Grand Allegorical Tableau of their principal Exports
and Imports. Great Britain, surrounded by her Colonies, rises
from the sea to the tune of "Rule Britannia." Chorus of
Figures dressed as Facts, and Facts in the guise of Figures.
Grand Topical and Educational Song by Facts and Figures,
Kingdoms, Exports and Imports, Great Britain and Colonies,
in praise of the School Board. Coloured fire and

Curtain.

Making it Hot for Him.

We are delighted to read the following:—

BILIN WATER.—We have the honour of making publicly known
that Prince Bismarck has used the Bilin Water at the advice of his
physicians for the last severe attack of neuralgia.

So many of our best possible instructors evidently consider that
cold-water treatment is the best for Prince Bismaeck. We had
ourselves thought that he was more likely to keep Europe in Bilin
Water, than to have recourse to it himself.

rriHE NEW REMEDY

For Everything.

j^SK FOR

T>LEASANT COMPANY'S EXTRACTS of MFRRTMENT.—A slight
IT addition of the Extracts gives great strength and flavour to dinner parties.