Punch (77.1879)

December 27, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAE1.

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293

of the Young-, which, would he stocked with a constant supply of
Fairies for Pantomimes, Imps, Goblins, Speaking1 Children for Melo-
dramas, available for " turns " at any time of the year.

This is by no means an exhaustive Catalogue, but, like a bicycle,
it is " something- to go upon."
_ Supposing- the College to form part of the University, the neces-
sity of a Chancellor and a Yice need not be considered, as the
Dramatic College authorities would of course be only too happy to
accept present existing arrangements, and would specially under-
take to find a responsible Pantomimist to carry the poker " (red-
hot first-rate property to be hired at so much an hour for the College)
before the Vice-Chancellor on all State occasions. If this is at
Cambridge, Mr. Merriman can have a string of traditional " Cam-
bridge sausages " hanging out of his pocket. He will carry under
his arm; a book,orthe ancient Joseph Miller's University Statutes.

"Poker" preceding the Vice-chancellor to the Senate-House
(under the contemplated Processional Arrangements of
the Dramatic College).

Again, the University Senate-House would be at once placed in
the hands of the Permanent-Scenic-Artist-Professor, and Senior
Property-Ma ster of .the Dramatic College, who would see it properly
furnished, taking a hint or two from the scene in Othello, and the
other Senate-House in the Merchant of Venice. The Super-Master
of the Dramatic College—a sort of musketry-drill instructor—would
be charged with providing Senators at so much a dozen, to be paid
out of the University Chest; and the University Chest might be the
gift of Mr. Henry Irving, being the very identical Iron Chest used
by him for so many nights at the Lyceum with a large property in-
side it. In this way, as in many others, the University itself would be
immensely benefited by the.accession of such an invaluable staff of
Professors, as would be those of the New and Original Dramatic
College, and none other genuine.

The Public Orator would be
got up according to the gene-
rally-received type of what
an orator, who has a public of
his own, would be like.

The Proctors, or University
Moral Police, would wear such
a costume as would convey a
distinct idea of their func-
tions.

The Proctors' Assistants, or
"Bull Dogs," would, for the
first time in the history of the
University, have a chance of
appearing in character. They
would be described in the pro-
gramme—for no University
function would be allowed to
proceed without a programme,
which could be supplied gratis
("No Fees"), or, with "a
book of the words," could be
sold for a shilling, and then
there would be more coin of 'vantage to the University chest—they

would, I say, be described, in the aforesaid programme, as belonging
to the K 9 division, and they could wear puggarees.

The officials of the Oenuine Dramatic College should be eligible for
all the highest University posts—except, of course, the University
lamp-posts, which at present are quite the highest in the place,
and are the means of giving more light to the students than can
very many of the elevated officials.

A Chancellor— so called from his election being quite a matter of
chance, and not because the office was originally connected with a
mediaeval music-publisher, then termed " a Chaunt-seller,"—could
be chosen from among the ranks. Mr. Ben Webster wouldn't be a
bad choice. The University could then take its "Ben," which
would be its first professionally theatrical step for the good of the
Academical coffers.

W^N.B.—New Specific ! No more Coughs or Colds at Cambridge!!!
For Academical Coughers—try our " University Chest Lozenges."
Look out for trade-mark, and light on one of our own boxes.]

Another eminent University dignitary is the High Steward. His
office is, of course, to preside over all the kitchens of all the Colleges.
He is generally chosen for his skill in smoothing down the Dons in a
difficulty, and his office is called, from the peculiar style of his elocu-
tion, the "Buttery." It would be invidious to designate any one
member of the Theatrical Profession for this important appointment,
which would be admirably well filled by so many among them.

The duties of the High Steward are—

First,—Of course never to be a Low Steward.

Secondly,—Once a year, when game is in, to make a High Stew.
Failing this last, he resigns his office; accomplishing this, he re-signs
the contract for the next year.

Thirdly,—He has during the summer to personally examine the
University Refrigerator. This duty arises from the view taken of
him as the H'ice Steward.

Fourthly,—As the University Oculist, as the IT Eye Steward. But
in this phase of his character he mustn't come out as a Lothario—or
a Highlhaxio—or the young uneducated girls of Girlton College—I
mean Girton College—would complain that he " eyes too 'ard." Of
course this complaint about the eyes would come from the pupils
themselves, and be remedied by the Oculist—sometimes by the Os-
culist.

By the way, Girton College would form an annexe,—an ex-cellent
annexe, under the female presidency of Anne X.—name not known
at present—to be called Curtain College, or Green Curtain College.
The avenue leading up to it to be planted with green bays. Here
New Curtain Lectures could be given. The sooner the Act is passed
for this purpose the better ; and once taken up, it is to be hoped that
none will let the Act drop for the sake of the Curtain.

So much for Curtain College at present. The official Visitor of
Curtain College might be the Revd. Mr. Heaeeam who has taken so
deep an interest in the welfare of Curates and Coryphees—the only
fees permitted. Surely the Head-lamb could be trusted to look after
the sheep, both black (the curates) and white (the ballet). But let
us leave the Lambkins who would soon get accustomed, or ewes'd to
their Head Lamb, and return d nos moutons, which provide the
Chancellor with his woolsack. Still, to a certain extent, Curtain
College must be taken into the scheme, or where would be our
Portia, our Desdemona, or any other moaner, our Rosalind or
Jenny Lend—no, that's not Shakspearian, that's operatic. In
a Chancelloress we should look for a Lady Macbeth, and as Lady
Chancelloress she might become Lady MacBethel. But "Fnough
for this Chapter," as the Bishop said to the Dean when they'd got a
quorum. Au plaisir !

A TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY.
{How to get Over it.)

Me. Pench, See,

I hear there's some talk of starting a "Technical Uni-
versity." What's the good of this, when Oxford and Cambridge
alone can supply the whole machinery P Look here. Why not send
Bootmakers to All Souls', Dock-labourers to Pembroke, the China
Trade to Worcester, Poulterers and Butchers to Clare, and so on ?
Then you might have the Clothiers and Outfitters at the Taylors'
Institute; while Conjuring could be taught daily at the "Pass
School." In fact, there is no limit, if you only go at the thing
practically. If you want to teach an ironmonger how to make a
tripos mathematically, Cambridge is the place to send him to, isn't
it ? However, I leave further suggestions to you; and, being in the
Lamp trade myself, throw this light upon the matter, as

Yours, technically,

A University Moderator.

A Christmas Game for Tommy.-—(Black) Draughts.