Punch (77.1879)

298

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

[Decembek 27, lfcli

A VERY DIFFERENT MATTER.

Southern Lord [staying at Highland Castle). "Thank you so much. I—ah—weally enjoy your Music. I think of having
a Piper at my own Place."

Sandy the Piper. "An' fat kin' o' a Piper would your Lordship be needin'?"
Southern Lord. "Oh, certainly a good Piper like yourself, Sandy."

Sandy {sniffing). " Och ! Inteet !—Ye might easily fin' a Lord like your Lordship, bctt it's nae sae easy to fin' a
Piper like me whatever !"

Assemble all your relations whose circumstances are not so affluent j The Echo adds that " ultimately the audience became clamorous,
as your own round your dining-table, and insert in each one's napkin as Mr. Marwood, after a second attempt to go on, sat down in

a bank-note or cheque. This new design in napkins will be much
admired. Pay the travelling and hotel expenses of all those who
have come from a distance, and give them hampers well stocked with
Christmas cheer, toys, and illustrated publications, as a surprise for
those who are left at home.

On Christmas Day take a long walk with a bag of sixpences in
your hand, and without a thought, save one of good-natured pity,
of Archbishop Whately and the Charity Organisation Society, dis-
tribute these coins to all you meet to whom you intuitively feel you
can offer them without wounding their feelings. Repeat this experi-
ment on New Year's Day, but on a different line of road.

KETCHINC: IT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

Another man of mark has joined the majority. Mr. Calcraft,
born with the century, and from 1828 to 1874 Finisher of the Law,
expired on Saturday last week at Hoxton, full of years if not of
honours. He might at least on his retirement have been decorated
with a cordon bleu.

By almost a curious coincidence, on the subsequent Tuesday,
Mr. Calcraft's successor, Mr. Marwood, adventured to come out
at Sheffield as a lecturer.

" All kinds of curious people are turning up at Sheffield just now, the latest
being Mr. "William Marwood, the executioner. Last night he announced
to give his 'great lecture' on ' The Times,' and about six hundred people
assembled to listen to him. The great lecture proved to be a very small one.
After some rambling talk on the Bible, the Irish Question, the Queen, and
the election, in the course of which he repeated himself again and again,
Marwood abruptly sat down, being, as the Chairman said, a very nervous
man."

despair. . . . Apparently most of them had come expecting to hear
something of Marwood's professional experiences, which the Chair-
man said it was impossible for him to give." Instead of that—

" Commencing with a religious exhortation, he reminded his hearers that
the -wheel of Time was constantly casting people off into eternity, whereupon
a wag shouted, 'And so is thy rope.' As to the election, he was content to
express a hope that the best man would win. He rejoiced that England is at
present on friendly terms with all the Powers, and her mission was to take
Christianity to all the nations of the earth."

Is Jack Ketch also among the Preachers ? Mr. Marwood, " if a
very nervous man," seems also to be a decidedly cheeky one. _ His
transition from the scaffold to the platform having proved a failure,
he will now, perhaps, return from the platform to the scaffold. Mr.
Marwood is reputed to be " the inventor of the long drop." He
naturally, therefore, gave himself plenty of rope ; with the prover-
bial consequence. May his melancholy fate prove a warning to
other pretenders not to attempt performances beyond their line. In
the public executioner attempting to deliver a lecture, what, a
regular " hempen homespun " have we had swaggering at Sheffield!

politics for the present.
Consider the conformation of a slice of plum-pudding, boys, and
be careful how you introduce the thin end of the wedge.

how to rring a question within the range of practical

Politics [in the Days of William the Conqueror).—Murder a few
Policemen. Blow up a few Prisons.