Punch (99.1890)

36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jolt 19, 1890.

action on a future occasion." Opposition shouted with laughter,
whilst Old Morality stood and stared, and wondered what was
amusing them now. New Session is, according to present inten-
tions, to open in November. Will the Land Purchase Bill he taken
first? Mr. G. wants to know. _

"Sir," said Old Mobality, "I have indicated the views of the
Government as to the Land Purchase Bill, according as those views
are held at the present time." (Cheers from the Ministerialists.)
Encouraged by this applause, and, happy thought striking him,
went on: "But it is impossible for the Government to say what
circumstances may occur to qualify those views."

Once more Opposition break into storm of laughter ;".Old Morality
again regards them with dubious questioning gaze.

"Curious thing, Toby," he said to me afterwards, " those fellows
opposite always laugh when I drop in my most diplomatic sentences.
It's very well for Machiavelli that he didn't live in these times,
and lead House of Commons instead of the Government of the
Florentine Republic. He would never have opened his mouth with-
out those Radicals and Irishmen going off into a fit of laughter."

Business done.—Announcement that business won't be done.

Friday.—Still harping on Irish Yotes. "Want to dock Prince
Arthur's salary. Swift MacNeill brought down model of batter-
ing-ram used at Falcarragh; holds it up; shows it in working order;
Committee much interested ; inclined to encourage this sort of thing ;
pleasant interlude in monotony of denunciation of Prince Arthur
and all his works; no knowing what developments may not be in
store; the other night had magic-lantern performance just off
Terrace; that all very well on fine night; but when it's raining must
keep indoors and battering-ram suitable for indoor exhibition.

Havelock wanted to borrow it, says he would like to show
Schwann how it works ; but MacNeill couldn't spare it till Irish
Votes through.

New turn given to Debate by plaintive declaration from John
Dillon that he has " never been shadowed." " A difficult lot to
deal with," says Arthur, gazing curiously at the Shadowless Man.
" If they are shadowed, they protest; if they're not, they repine."

Business done.—Irish Votes in Committee.

ME. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OP PHRASES.

At the Academy Soiree.

" How well your Picture bears the artificial light! " i.e., " Couldn't
look worse than it does by daylight."

" Mustn't keep you on the stairs. Such heaps of your friends ask-
ing for you upstairs ; " i.e., " Got rid of him, thank goodness I

" Here you are at last I Been dodging you from room to room !
i.e., " To keep out of your way. Caught at last, worse luck! "

" You look as if you had just stepped out of a picture-frame."
i.e., " Wish you'd'step back into one!"

"Not seen Mr. O'Kew'spicture ? You must see it. Only three
rooms from here, and no crowd there now. So go and bring me back
word what you think;" i.e., " Now to flee ! "

At Lobd's.

" Yes, I'm so fond of Cricket;" i.e., "How can I find out if
Oxford or Cambridge is in ? "

" Don't move, pray;" i.e., "If she doesn't, I shall be smothered
in lobster-salad!"

" Not the least in my way, thanks;" i.e., " Does she think I can
see through her parasoi ? "

"Pray join us at lunch! Heaps of room in the carriage;" i.e.,
"Hope she doesn't! It only holds four, and we're six already."

"Don't they call a hit to the left like that, a Drive?" i.e.,
"Young—rich—good-looking—worth catching—looks as if he liked
' sweet simplicity.'"

Electioneering.

" Has at heart the best interests of the Borough; " i.e., Means to
subscribe largely to all local clubs and charities.

" The honour of representing you in Parliament;" i.e., "The
pleasure of advertising myself."

" I should wish to keep my mind open on that subject; " i.e., " I
cannot afford to commit myself just yet."

Parliamentary.

" I have never heard such an astounding argument; " i.e., " Since
I last employed it myself."

" To come to the real question at issue ;" i.e., " To introduce my
one strong point."

" I do not pledge myself to these figures ;" i.e., " The next speaker
will very likely show them to be absolutely unreliable."

In the Smoklng-Room.
" Oh, as to all that, I quite agree with you;" i.e., " I wasn't
listening."

"I rather understood that you were arguing, fyc, ifC,;" i.e.,
" You are now flatly contradicting yourself.'

DISCIPLINE!

(A Farcical Tragedy, in Two Scenes—not licensed for representation.)

Scene I.— The Barrack Square, Present—No. 1 Company,

awaiting inspection. •
Captain {to Subaltern), Have you proved them?
Subaltern. Sorry, Sir, but the men say they know their places,
and it is useless labour.

Capt, Very well—I daresay they are right. You know we have
been told to be conciliatory. Open order!
March! For inspection—port arms I

Sergeant (stepping forward, and
saluting). Beg pardon, Sir, but the men
are under the impression that you wish
to examine their rifles ?

Capt. Certainly. {To Subaltern.) Take
the rear rank, whilel look after the front.

Serg. Beg pardon, Sir, but the men
haven't taken open order yet. They say
that they are responsible for their rifles
when they have to use them before the
enemy, and you may rely upon it that
they will be all right then.

Capt. Very well—then we will;dispense
with inspection of arms. Buttons bright,
and straps in their proper places ?
Serg. {doubtfully). So they say, Sir.
Capt. Well, then, read the orders.

Serg. Beg pardon, Sir, but the
men say they know their duty, and
don't want to listen to no orders.
/^TfflUffl Capt. Well, well, I am glad to

IsrgvjMA near {ha(; they are s0 patriotic. Hope

that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
with the formality. Anything more ?

Serg. Privates Brown, Jones, and Robinson are told off for duty
on guard. Sir.

Capt. March them off, then.

Serg. Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.
Capt. Very well—bring them up. (Sergeant obeys.) Now, men,
what is it ?

Private Brown. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth- ache.
Capt. Very well—fall out. and go to the doctor.
Private B. Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
myself.

Capt. Very well—cure yourself. (Private salutes, and retires.)
And now, Jones and Robinson, what do you want ?

Private Jones. Please, Sir, me and Robinson were told off for
guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
sentry-go so soon.

Capt. Well, you know your orders.

Private J. Oh, that '11 be all right, Sir'. We '11 explain to the
War Office if there's any row about it!

IThe Privates salute, and retire,

Capt. Anything else, Sergeant ?

Sergt. Well, no, Sir—you see the men won't do anything.

Capt. Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give
the usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn—
dismiss! [They dismiss.

Scene II.—Before the Enemy. Present—No. 1 Company awaiting
orders to advance.

Captain.—Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads,
and obey orders. Attention ! Fix Bayonets!

Subaltern. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.

Capt. Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small
enough nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand
yards I Ready!

Sub. Very sorry, Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.

Capt.—Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry pre-
paring to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right
turn!

Sergeant. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
their right hands from their left.

Capt. (losing his temper). Confound it! They don't, don't they I
Well, hang it all, I suppose they will understand this? (To Com-
pany.) Here, you pampered useless idiots—bolt! [They bolt.

A Cutting (transplanted from the advertisements in the Belfast
News-Letter) :—

WANTED, A PAKK.OT: one brought up in a respectable family, and that
has not been taught naughty words or bigoted expressions, preferred.
—Apply by letter, stating price, &c.

"Preferred!" What sort of a Parrot had they been previously
accustomed to at that house ?

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