Punch (99.1890)

48

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 26, 1890.

he observed, as Shaw-Leeevre proceeded at some length.; "hut I
should like to he Chief Secretary long enough to get a chance of
running Shaw-Lefevre in. He's very slippery ; knows how near he
may go without incurring actual risk ; but I '11 have him some day."
Business done.—Irish Votes happily concluded.

A SPORTING STYLE.

(With Examples.)

Prefatory Note.—It is a common mistake to suppose that the
present generation frowns upon the literary achievements of the
descriptive reporter who chronicles the great deeds of athletes, oars-
men, pugilists, and sportsmen generally.
On the contrary, if we may pretend to
judge from a wide and long-continued
study, we should say that the nates sacer
of the present day, though he may not
rival his predecessors in refinement and
classical allusion, is by no means inferior
to them in wealth of language and
picturesque irrelevancy. Sportmg re-
porting, in fact, was never more of a
fine art, and on the whole has rarely
been better paid, than it _ is at the

Eresent day. In the hope that many a young journalist may he
elped in his struggle for fame and fortune, Mr. Punch proposes to
publish a short manual of sporting reports, with examples and short
notes, that may explain the technique of the business to the aspirant.

Rules.

1. Always remember that you are a sporting reporter, and be as
sportive as you can. The dig-in-the-ribs and chuck-her-under-the-
chin style is always effective.

2. Speak of everybody "by his Christian name or his nick-name.

3. If you think a man ought to have a nickname, invent one for him.

4. Employ stock quotations wherever they are least required, and
give a music-hall flavour to every report.

5. If possible, misquote.

6. Avoid all simple language.

7. Patronise all titled sportsmen, and pat wealthy bookmakers on
the back.

8. Never miss an opportunity of showing that you are on familiar
terms with the sun, moon, rain, wind, and weather in general. Do
this, as a rule, by means of classical tags vulgarised down to the
level of a costermonger's cart.

9. Spin out your sentences.

10. Mix up your metaphors, moods, tenses, singulars, plurals, and
the sense generally.

11. Refer often to "the good old days" you don't remember, and
bewail the decadence of sport of all kinds.

12. Occasionally be haughty and contemptuous, and make a parade
of rugged and incorruptible honesty. In short, be as vain and offen-
sive as you can.

13. Set yourself up as an infallible judge of every branch of sport
and athletics.

First Example.— Event to be reported: An American pugilist
arrives at Euston, and is received by his English friends and sym-
pathisers.

O'FLAHERTY IN ENGLAND.

Arrival of the Champion. His Reception.
What he Thinks of England.

It was somewhere towards "the witching hour of noon" that the
broad and splendid artery of commerce, to wit, the Euston Road,
became, for the nonce, a scene of unwonted, and ever-increasing
excitement. Old Plu* had promised, as per Admiral Fitzroy's
patent hocus-pocusser, to give us a taste of his quality; and it is un-
necessary, in this connection, to observe that the venerable disciple
of Swithin the Saint was as good as his word. But Britons never
never shall be slaves. England expected every man to do his duty.
Forward the Light Brigade, and so on to where glory and an express
train were waiting, or would be waiting, before you had time to
knock a tenpenny nail on the head twice. The company on the
platform comprised the elite of the sporting world. " Bluff" Tommy
Poppin, the ever courteous host of "The Chequers," "Bill"
Tootwon, by his friends yclept the Masher, Jake Rtjmbelo, the
middle-weight World's Champion, were all there, wreathed in silvery
smiles, and all on the nod, on the nod, on the nod, as the poet hath
it, though why " hath it" no man can tell, in words that will last
while Old Sol, the shiner, drives his spanking tits along the azure
road. Punctual to the moment the train steamed into the station,
and the giant form of O'Elaherty, the "man in a million," leaped
out of the railway carriage, amid the plaudits of all the blue blood
of England's sports. In answer to inquiries the Champion laughingly
* An agreeable variant for this is Ju. P.

said, "he guessed this was a mighty wet country for a dry man,"
and proceeded to the refreshment-room, where he "asked a p'leece-
man"—oh no, not at all, hut, " Deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee, he
drank the foaming juice of Grapes." Thence a move was made to
the palatial office of the Sporting Standard, where the Champion
was introduced to the Staff. Hands all round followed, and a
glorious day wound up with a visit to the theatrical resorts of the
latter-day Babylon, in company with some of the right sort, though
these be getting both fewer and farther between than in the good
old days.

AUSTRALIA AT ST. PAUL'S.

[On the 17th of July the Earl of Rosebery unveiled a Memorial erected
in St. Paul's Cathedral to the late Right Hon. "William Bede Dalley, of
New South "Wales, mainly through whose personal exertions, when Chief
Secretary to the Ministry there, the Colonial Contingent was dispatched to the
aid of England in the Soudan. This, as Lord Rosebery said, is the first Me-
morial which has been erected to a Colonist in our Metropolitan Cathedral.]

The mighty Empire reared upon the main,

He " cherished, served, and laboured to maintain."

And who will doubt the claim by this made good

To neighbouring Nelson, and our Collingwood ?

His country holds her loyal son's remains;

But here, whilst Wren's huge dome rolls back the strains

Of the great organ's golden mouths, or while

Poean or requiem sounds along the aisle

Sacred to mighty memories, D alley's name

Inscribed amongst our home-horn heirs of fame

Shall stand, and show to all our Island brood

Australia's love, and England's gratitude.

VERY MUCH AT SEA.

As there appears to be some confusion with regard to the exact
nature of the programme scheme for the forthcoming Naval Autumn
Manoeuvres, the following sketch, gleaned from recent inquiry on

the subject made at Whitehall,
may, if he can manage to follow
it, possibly serve to enlighten the
uninitiated outsider.

An enemy's fleet, having, it is
supposed, escaped the vigilance of
the Channel Squadron, consisting
of H.M. First-class Battle-ship
Blunderer, accompanied by the
third-class cruiser Jack-ass, and
the torpedo-boats Corkscrew and
Tooth-brush, which, also it is
supposed, represent a fleet of
thirty-six iron-clads, twenty-six
armoured cruisers, attended by
fifty torpedo vessels, have sailed
victoriously up the Thames, and,
having seized the Serpentine,
command the, equally supposed, Milk Supply of Bayswater, Pad-
dington, and the whole of the North of London. This news having
been conveyed to another fancied fleet that is covering a convoy of
ships, imagined to be attempting to land corn, that they have brought
from ports across the Atlantic, simultaneously at Pegwell Bay,
Margate, and the Isle of Dogs, it is again supposed that, acting
under sealed orders, they elude the enemy, and dividing their forces,
make for Gravesend, Liverpool, Dundee, " The Welsh Harp" at
Hendon, and Yarmouth. _ The problem, therefore, presented to
Admiral Flyoff, who is in command of the defending squadrons,
will be, after utilising the supposed coast defences, and mining the
Serpentine, to force the enemy to accept the issue of an open action
on the Regent's Canal, and the Ornamental Water at the Crystal
Palace. Failing this, it will be left to the Umpires, who, being sup-
posed to be in several places at the same time, will be provided with
a tricycle, fog-horn, and telescope, to enable them to adiudge the
exact amount of success or failure following respectively on each
effort, with as near a resemblance as is possible to the probable issues
in real warfare. Any matters remaining in dispute and undecided,
will be ultimately settled by the First Lord, who will toss up with a
two-headed halfpenny, specially provided for, in the Estimates, for
the purpose.

A glance at the above will show that the scheme, though simple in
conception, may easily become complicated; but if kept in view,
with an accompanying reference to the daily letters of the Corre-
spondents of five Penny Papers, by anyone, who will further pick
out the names and positions of places named, and mark them with
pins on the Railway Map attached to Bradshaw's Guide, it may
serve to throw some light on the course of events, and leave the
inquiring investigator, though still very much at sea, yet in posses-
sion of some scraps of useful information.

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in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
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