Punch (99.1890)

76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 16, 1890

OUR YOTTING YORICK.

Deae Ebitoe,

How can I send you " a sketch, of anything I see," when I
haven't seen anythingfor the last twenty-four hours. Impossible !
utterly impossible! You simply want me to_ do impossibilities, and
I am only mortal. Voild! I don't complain; I only say I can't
draw what I don't see; and as to sending funny sketches when it's
raining in torrents, and been doing so for the last forty-eight hours
three minutes and. twenty-one and a-half seconds, I'm—well, I can't
—simplemeni. Torrents of rain. Anyone can draw water—but
draw rain! Yes, when on horseback, I can
draw rein. Good that, '' when you come to
think of it,"—considering that I'm 1900
miles from an English joke, so that this you
may say is far-fetched, only 'tisn't fetched
at all, as I send it. Think I've left out an
" 0," and it's 19,000. It seems like it. Here
we are in Petersburg. Mist's cleared off.
We 're anchored close to Winter Palace, and
I've just seen a droschki-driver, whom I
sketch. Not unlike old toy Noah's-Ark
man, eh? Something humorous at last,
thank Heaven ! But did I come 1900 miles
to see this? Well, "Neva no more!"

Mister Skipper says I ought to go to the
Petershoff. All very well to say so, but
where is Peter, and how far is he "hoff" ?
That's humorous, I think, eh? Tou told
me to go and " pick up bits of Russian life,"
and so I'm going to do it at the risk of my
own, I feel sure, for I never saw such chaps
as these soldiers, six feet three at the least,
every man Jackski of 'em, and broad out of
all proportion. However, I '11 go on shore,
Droschki-Driver. an0^ try to get some fun out of the Russians,
if there's any in them. If I'm oaught
making fun of these soldiers, / shouldn't have a word to say for
myself! The Skipper says that he's heard that the persecution of
the Jews has just begun again. Cruel shame, but I daren't say this
aloud, in case anyone should understand just that amount of English,
and then—whoopski!—the knout and Siberia! So I '11 say " nowt."
Really humorous that, I'm sure, and 19,000 miles from England.

To-day—I don't know what to-day is, having lost all count of
time—is a great day with the Russians. I don't understand one
word they say, and as to reading their letters—I mean the letters
of their alphabet—that is if they've got one, which I very much
doubt,—why I might as well be a blind man for all I can make out.
Somehow I rather think that it's the Emperor's birthday. Guns and
bells all over the place. Guns going off, bells going on. Tremendous
crowds everywhere. "I am never so lonely," as somebody; said, "as
when I'm in a crowd." That's just what I feel, especially when
the crowd doesn't talk a single word of English.
The Russians are not ill-favoured but ill-
flavoured, that is, in a crowd. I cheered with
them, " Hiphiphurrahski! Hipski! Hurrah-
ski ! " What I was cheering at I don't know,
but I like to be in it, and when at Petersburg
do as the Petersburgians do.

Having strayed away from our yachting
party, or yachting party having strayed away
from me, I found myself {they didn't find me
though; they have been finding me in wittles
and drink during the whole of the voyage,—
humorous again, eh ? It's in me, only there's
a depression in the Baltic. Why call it Baltic ?
Nobody on board knows) outside the fortress
of St. Peter and St. Paul. I daresay there's
some legend about their having built it, but,
as I remarked before, my knowledge of the
Russian tongue is limited to what I get dried
for breakfast, and that doesn't go far when
there are many more than myself alongside the
festive_ board—and so I couldn't get any ex-
planation. But I managed to sneak inside the
fortress—and then,—lost my way.'!.' Couldn't
get out. "If you want to know your way, Policeman,
ask a Policeman" in London, and, in St. Petersburg, ask a
Bobbiski. Here's one with a sword—at least, I think he's one.
I said, 'Please, Sir, which way?" Then I tried him with
French— Ou est," says I, " le chemin pour aller out of (I
couldn't remember the French for 'out of) cette confounded
fortress ? " He wouldn't understand me. I tipped him a wink—I
tipped him a two-shilling piece. It wasn't enough I suppose, as he
called another fellow. The other chap came up,—what he was I
don't know—but suddenly, from their awful manner, their frowns,

and violent expressions, it occurred to me, " Hang it all! they take
me for a Jew!" Never was so alarmed. With great presence of
mind I pointed to my nose—they saw the point at once. Then
the pair of them
marched me off
("to Siberia,"
thinks I! and I
wondered how far
we should have to
walk!) to the
courtyard, where I
had entered, and
then passed me
through the gate on
to the road again.
Then I fled to the
yacht!! Away!
Away I

Never will I ven-
ture out of the
yacht again, until
I can do so safely.
Expect me back
soon. Ah, what an
escape!—to think I
might have lan-
guished for the
best of my days in
ironsor in the mines
out in Siberia, like
Rip Van Winkle,
or the Prisoner of " Suddenly from their awful manner, their frowns,
Chillon who dug ana violent expressions, it ooourred to me, ' Hang it
himself' out with5U! Theytake me for a Jew! > "-Extract from Letter
his nails (when lfrom 0ur ToUm9 ?°™k-^

was a boy I remember it, and tried to do it in the garden), and came
up with a long beard when everyone was dead and gone. I may return
as a stowaway, but anyhow expect me, and prepare the fatted
cutlet. That's humorous, isn't it, eh ?

Yours, Jetsam, the Y. Y.
19,000 miles away too! Just imagine!

AUTOMATIC PROGRESS.

The Proprietors of the " Automatic Chair " having had reason to
think their invention such a success that they have turned it into a
Company, a stimulus has been given to ingenuity in this direction,
with the result that the following prospective advertisement, or some-
thing very muoh like it, may shortly be expected to see the light:—

THE AUTOMATIC FURNITURE SUPPLY ASSOCIATION,
started, for the purpose of meeting the daily-increasing demand
for self-acting and trouble-saving appliances in the domestic
arrangements of the modern household, beg to inform their patrons
that they are now able to supply them with_

THE AUTOMATIC FOUR-POSTER. — This ingeniously con-
structed piece of furniture will tuck up the occupant, rook
him to sleep, and pitch him out on to the floor at a given hour in the
morning, thoroughly waking him by the operation, when it will of
its own accord fold itself up into a conveniently-shaped parcel, not
bigger than an ordinary carriage umbrella. The Association further
desire to inform their patrons that they have also invented a

PATENT AUTOMATIC SHOWER-BATH AND WASH-
HAND-STAND, that will forcibly seize the user, thoroughly
souse him from head to foot, scrub, wash, and dry him. Finally
folding itself up into a convenient lounge, on which he can complete
his toilette at leisure. They also are prepared to supply their

AUTOMATIC DINNER-TABLE AND APPETITE COM-
BINED, upon taking a seat at which, the diner will be
immediately served with a course consisting of soup, fish, joint, and
vegetables, choice of entrees, sweets, cheese, and celery, with an
appetite to enable him to relish the repast as it proceeds. After-
dinner speeches, phonographically introduced, can be supplied at a
slight additional charge. They, moreover, have in" hand an

slignt additional cnarge. xney, moreover, nave m nana an

A" UTOMATIC BUTLER-DETECTING SIDEBOARD, which,
by an ingenious contrivance, on the Butler opening it for the
purpose of helping himself to a glass of wine, instantly blows up
with a loud explosion, that obliges him to desist in his design. But
their chief triumph is their_

AUTOMATIC AND MECHANICAL SHAREHOLDER, who,
immediately on being shown the Prospectus, puts his name
down for the required number of Shares as indicated to Mm. This
last the Association regard as a great success, but they have several
other startling novelties in active preparation.