Punch (99.1890)

September 20, 1890-1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

135

"WANTED!"

WANTED, by a well-travelled lady, of aesthetic and refined
tastes, a comfortable and congenial home with a Duchess.
The Advertiser, who is a person of much intelligence, and a most
agreeable gossip, regards her pleasant companionship as an equi-
valent for the social advantages (including carriage-drives, and an
introduction to the very best society), for which she is prepared to
offer the very handsome remuneration of ten shillings a week.

HORSE WANTED.—Must have been placed in a recent Derby,
and Bhow a good racing record. Thoroughly sound in wind
and limb, expected to be equal to carrying 13 stone in the Park,
or to doing any work from a four-in-hand down to single harness in
a hearse. On the advertiser being furnished with a suitable beast,
he will be prepared to put down a five-pound note for him, payable
by ten-shilling monthly instalments.

HOME REQUIRED FOR AN INDIAN CHIEF.—The Adver-
tiser, who has recently received a consignment of Savages
from Patagonia, and has had to entertain their Monarch in his
residence at Bayswater, as he is about to pay a four weeks' visit to
the Continent, is anxious in the meantime to find a suitable home
for him in some quiet suburban family, who would not object to some
fresh and lively experience introduced into the routine of their
domestic circle, in consideration for a small payment to defray the
slight extra cost involved in his support. He will give little trouble,
an empty attic furnished with a hearth-rug supplying him with all
the accommodation he will require, while his food has hitherto con-
sisted of tripe, shovelled to him on a pitchfork, and stout mixed with
inferior rum, of which he gets through about a horse-pailful a-day.
His chief recreation being a "Demon's War Dance," in which he
will, if one be handy, hack a clothes-horse to pieces with his " baloo,"
or two-edged chopper-axe, he might be found an agreeable inmate by
an aged and. invalid couple, who would relish a little unusual after-
dinner excitement, as a means of passing away a quiet evening or
two. Applicants anxious to secure the Chief should write at once.
Three-and-sixpence a-week will be paid for his keep, which,
supplying the place of the rum in his drink (which has been tried
with effect) with methylated spirit mixed with treacle, affords an
ample margin for a handsome profit on the undertaking.

DEVELOPMENT.

(With acknowledgments to the Author of " Patience.")

_ P'Even a colour-s?nse is more important in the development of the indi-
vidual than a sense of right and wrong."—Oscar Wilde.]

If you're anxious to develop to a true hedonic "swell," hop on a
pinnacle apart,

Like a monkey on a stick, and your phrases quaintly pick, and then

prattle about Art.
Take some laboured paradoxes, and, like Samson's flaming foxes, let

them loose amidst the corn
(Or the honest commonplaces) of the Philistines whose graces you

regard with lofty scorn.

And every one will say,
As you squirm your wormy way,
" If thi3 young man expresses himself in terms that stagger me,
What a very singularly smart young man this smart young man

must be!"

Tou may be a flabby fellow, and lymphatically yellow, that will

matter not a mite,
If you take yourself in hand, in a way you'll understand, to become

a Son of Light.

On your crassness superimposing the peculiar art of glosing in sleek

phrases about Sin.
If you aim to be a Shocker, oarnal theories to cocker is the best way

to begin.

And every one will say,

As you worm your wicked way,
" If that's allowable for him which were criminal in me,
What a very emancipated kind of youth this kind of youth
must be."

Human virtues you'll abhor all, and be down upon the Moral in

uncompromising style.
Your critical analysis will reduce to prompt paralysis every motor

that's not vile.

You will show there's naught save virtue that can seriously hurt you,

or your liberty enmesh;
And you'll find excitement, plenty, in Art's dolcefar niente, with a
flavour of the flesh.

And every one will say,

As you lounge your upward way,

MUCH MORE SUITABLE.

New Unifobm for Her Majesty's House Guards, sttogisied to
Ma. Punch b? recent Cavalry Evolutions on the Thames.

" If he's content with a do-nothing life, which would certainly not
suit me.

What a most particularly subtle young man this subtle young mm
must be!"

Then having swamped morality in " intensified personality " (which,

of course, must mean your own),
And the " rational" abolished and "sincerity " demolished, you will

find that you have grown
With a " colour-sense" fresh handselled (whilst the moral ditto's

cancelled) you '11 develop into—well,
What Philistia's fools malicious might esteem a vaarien vicious

{alias " hedonic swell").

And every one will say,
As you writhe your sinuous way,
" If the highest result of the true 'Development' is decomposition,

why Bee

What a very perfectly developed young man this developed young
man must he."

With your perky paradoxes, and your talk of "crinkled ox-eyes,"

and of books in " Nile-green skin,"
That show forth unholy histories, and display the " deeper mysteries "

of strange and subtle Sin.
You can squirm, and glose, and hiss on, and awake that nouveau

frisson which is Art's best gift to life,
And " develop "—like some cancer (in the Art-sphere) whose best

answer is the silent surgeon's knife !

And every man will say,
As you wriggle on your way,
" If ' emotion for the sake of emotion is the aim of Art,' dear me!
What a morbidly muckily emotional young man the 'developed'

young man must be! "