Punch (99.1890)

October 11, 1890.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

171

A LAMB-LIKE GAMBOL.

Some little time ago we noticed with great satisfaction,
that the Committee of the Sunday School Union had
advertised in the Athenceum for the " best Tale on
Gambling," for which they were anxious to pay One
Hundred Pounds sterling. The principal "condition"
that the C. S. S. U. attached to their competition was that
" the tale must he drawn as far as possible from actual
life, and muBt vividly depict the evils of gambling,
setting forth its ruinous effects sociably and morally on
the young people of our land." Perhaps the following
short story may serve as a model to the candidates.
This romance must be considered " outside the competi-
tion." Here it is.

PLEASANT POVERTY BETTER THAN
WICKED WEALTH!

Petee was a good boy. He went to Sunday school
regularly, and always took off his hat to his superiors—
he so objected to gambling that he never called them
"betters." One day Petee found a sovereign, and
fearing, lest it might be a gilded jubilee shilling, decided
to spend it upon himself, rather than run the risk of pos-
sibly causing the Police to put it in circulation, under
the impression that it was a coin of the higher value.
He spent ten shillings on a ticket to Boulogne-sur-Mer,
and with the remaining half-sovereign played at Chemin
de Fer at the Casino. And, alas! this was his first
straying from the path of virtue. Unfortunately he
was most unlucky (from a moral point of view) in his
venture, leaving the tables with a sum exceeding forty
pounds. Feeling reluctant that money so ill-gained
should remain for very long in his possession, he spent
a large slice of it m securing a ticket for Monte
Carlo.

Arrived at this dreadful place he backed Zero fifteen
times running, was unhappy enough to break the bank,
and retired to rest with over ten thousand pounds. He
now decided, that he had best return to England,
where he felt sure he would be safe from further
temptation.

When he was once more in London, he could not make
up his mind whether he should contribute his greatly
scorned fortune to the Committee of the Sunday School
Union, or plank his last dollar on a rank outsider for a
place in the Derby. From a feeling of delicacy, he
adopted the latter course, and was indescribably shocked
to pull off his fancy at Epsom. Thinking that the Com-
mittee of the same useful body would refuse to receive
money obtained under such painful circumstances, he
plunged deeply on the Stock Exchange, and again
added considerably to his much-hated store. It was at
this period in his history that he married, and then the
punishment he had so justly merited overtook him. His
wife was a pushing young woman, whose great delight
was to see her name in the Society papers. This pleasure
she managed to secure by taking a large house, and
giving_ costly entertainments to all sorts and conditions
of individuals. Poor Petek soon found this mode of
life intolerably wearisome. He now never knew an
hour's peace, until one day he determined to run away
from home, leaving in the hands of Ms wife all that he
possessed. His absence made no perceptible difference
in Mrs. Peteb's menage. It was generally supposed that
he was living abroad. However, on one winter night
there was a large gathering at his wife's house, and,
it being very cold, the guests eagerly availed them-
selves of the services of the linkman, who had told
himself off to fetch their carriages.

And, when everyone was gone, the poor linkman asked
the mistress of the house for some broken victuals.

" Good gracious !" exclaimed that Lady, "if itisn'tmy
husband! What do you mean, Petee, by so disgracing
me?"

" Disgrace you!—not 11" returned Petee. " No one
recognises me. Of all the guests that throng my house,
and eat my suppers, I don't believe there is a solitary
individual who knows me by sight."

And Petee was right. Ah, how much better would it
have been had Petee remained at school, and not found
that sovereign! Had he remained at school, he would
some day have acquired a mass of information that would
have been of immense assistance to him when his father
died, and he succeeded to the paternal broom, and the
right of sweep over the family street-crossing!

TOO MUCH GENIUS.

Poet. "Oh—a—I always white my Poems eight off, without any C6k-

bections, you KNOW, and send them straight to the PeINTER. I nevee
look at 'em a SECOND time."

Critic. "No mobe do youk Readees, my Boy!"

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Osteich "Fabmtng."—We are afraid we cannot give you any sound or
useful information to assist you in your project of keeping an ostrich-farm in a
retired street in Bayswater; but that you should have already received a consign-
ment of fifty "fine, full-grown birds," and managed, with the aid of five
railway porters, and all the local police available, to get them from the van in
which they arrived up two flights of stairs, and locate them temporarily in your
back drawing-room, augurs at least for a good start to your undertaking. That
three should have escaped, and, after severely kicking the Vicar, who happened
to be dining with you, terrified the whole neighbourhood, and effected an en-
trance into an adjacent public-house, where they appear to have done a good deal
of damage to the glass and crockery, upsetting a ten-gallon cask of gin, and
frightening the barmaid into a fit of hysterics, being only finally captured by the
device of getting a coal-sack over their heads, was, after all, but a slight contre-
temps, and not one to be taken into account when measured against the grand
fact that you have got all your birds safely lodged for the night. A little arnica,
and a fortnight in bed, will, in all probability, set the Vicar all right. With
regard to their food, we should advise you to continue the tinned lobster and
muffins, which they seem to relish. You appear to be alarmed at their swal-
lowing the tins. There is no occasion for any anxiety on this point, the tin,
doubtless, serving as the proverbial " digestive " pebble with which all birds, we
believe, accompany a hearty meal. We fear we cannot enlighten you as to how
you make your profits out of an ostrich-farm; but, speaking at random, we
should say they would probably arise by pulling the feathers out of the tails of
the birds and selling them to Court Milliners. _ Tour idea of trying them in
harness in a Hansom seems to have something in it. Turn it over, by all means.
Meantime, get a Shilling Handbook on the Management of the Ostrich. We
think you will have to cover in your garden with a tarpaulin as you suggest.
You cannot expect the fifty birds to stay for ever in your back drawing-room;
and the fact that you mention, of their having already kicked down and eaten
one folding-door, is significant. They will be escaping from your balcony all
over the neighbourhood^ if you do not take care to secure them; and as they
seem fresh, very aggressive, and strong in the leg, such a catastrophe might lead
you into a good deal of unpleasantness. Take our advice, and get them down-
stairs, tight under a stout tarpaulin, as soon as possible.