Punch: Punch (101.1891)

July 4, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

9

VOCES POPULI.

DILATORY DINNERS.

ScE>"E—The Grounds of a certain Exhibition. On this particular
evening, there has been a slight hitch in the culinary arrange-
ments, and the relations between the Chef and the Waiters are
apparently strained. Enter an Egotistic Amphitryon, followed
by a meek and youthful Guest.

The Egotistic Amphitryon {concluding an harangue). Well, all _Z"'ve
got to say is I've been here half-an-hour—{with a bitter sense of the
anomaly of the situation)—waiting about for You !.' (They seat
themselves at one of the little tables under the verandah.) Oh, you 're
going to sit that side, are you ? It's all the same to me, except that
there's a confounded draught here which—well, you're young, and
these things don't affect you—or oughtn't to. (They exchange sides.)
We shall have to hurry our dinner now, if we mean to hear anything
of the music. That was the reason I expressly told you seven sharp.
Here, Waiter ! (Waiter presents a carte, and stands by with a
proud humility.) Now, what are you going to have ? (To Guest.)
You don't mind ? I hate to hear a man say he doesn't care what he
eats—he ought to care, he must care. What do you say to this—
" Potage Bisque d'ecrivisses ; Saumon Sauce Hollandaise ; Brim-
borions de veau farcis a l'imprevu ; Ducklings and green peas; New
Potatoes; Salad"? Simple and, ah, satisfying. (7b Waiter.) Let
us have that as sharp as you can ;
do you hear ?

Waiter. Quick ? Yes, I deU
zem. [He hurries off.

The E. A. Hang the feUow,

[The Guest feels that his mode-
ration has missed fire, but dares not retract; they sit in silence
for some time, without anything of importance happening,
except that a strange Waiter swoops down and carries away
their bread-basket.
A Meek Man (at an adjoining table, who, probably for family
reasons, is entertaining his Sister-in-law, a lady with an aquiline
nose and remarkably thick eyebrows.) You know, Horatia, I call
this sort of thing very jolly, having dinner like this in the fresh air,
eh ? [He rubs his hands under the table.

Horatia (acidly). It may be so, Augustus, when we do have it.
At present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes, and had
nothing but fresh air and small hies, and, as I don't pretend to be a
Chameleon mvself, why- [She fans herself vigorously.

Horatia. Now we 're farther off from getting any food than ever!
I suppose you mean to do something, Augustus ?

Augustus. Of course—certainly. I shall speak very strongly.
(Bleating.) Waiter!

Horatia (with scorn). Do you imagine they will pay the least
attention to a noise like a sixpenny toy P Let them see you insist
upon being obeyed.

Augustus. I am—I mean, I will—I am very much annoyed.
(Fiercely.) Wa-ai-ter!

A Stern Waiter (appearing suddenly.) You vant somsing, Sir?

Augustus (apologetically). Yes ; we should—er—like something to
eat—anything—so long as you can bring it at once, if you don't
mind. We—this Lady is rather in a hurry, and we've Avaited some
little time already, you see.

The Waiter. Peg your bardon, zis is nod my daple. I send your
Yaiter. [He vanishes.

The E. A. Scandalous! over twenty minutes we've been here!
Ha ! at last! (A Waiter appears with a tureen, which he uncovers.)
Here, what do you call this f

Waiter. Groute au Bot—you order him, yes ? No ? I dake him
away !

[He whisks it away, to the chagrin o/Guest, who thought it smelt nice.

The E. A. I ordered Bisque—where is it ? and I want some wine,
too—a pint of Pommery '84, and a small lager. If they 're not here

very soon, I '11-■

The Guest (trying to make the best of things). Nothing for it but
patience, I suppose.

The E. A. (with intention). I had very little of that left before I
I can tell you "

A Sarcastic and Solitary Diner.

he's forgotten the wine! (To ^^^iMm^^^\ Waiter, could you spare me one

Guest.) What will you drink ? $£7$W&f% ":M -^v^ moment of your valuable time?

The Guest thinks it will look fflJwBm&'t* ' if Jil^- (The Waiter halts irresolutely.)

greedy if he suggests champagne'. MwjmUL'& ' Nm Vjt f^$£.n It is so long since I had the plea-

Oh—er—whatever you 're going ^J^j^MBm'SL vlE^f^^^ sure of speaking to you, that y^ou

The E. A. Well, I'm going to ^Mu^BBk^^kL a^^H^k- about three-quarters of an hour

have a glass of champagne myself. jH/|fflK||i^iǤf 'JIIPjkIIP^ ago I ventured to express a pre-

I want it alter all this worry. w^^SB^^^MK ference for an Entrecote aux

But it you prefer beer - consider- IBjpPWT^ ffiffil ^^Sm I /^Pfjg^^^V pommes do terre with a half-

ately\ say so. (The Guest, in a uETifc \ \ , we? <fe? t\ ^jz^SSffiX I SmMm&i' 1 bottle of Beaune. Could you

spirit of propitiation, prefers \ V;/^-^' '^^^^^M^ir ^fflwtr i l)iJ "'v m' : a how much longer

beer.) Well, we could have man- \ .\ \rj • fe^^%SfeBBS*^^rar-i» vfl'M^ T U Ml thosi ran dainties may take in

aged a bottle of Pommery be- $g$Jmi^^^ ' ;Kfe>—^-■^^^i^^ir^s ■ J? M preparing, and in the meantime

tween us, and it's never so good ^^tt-f^^^^^ '"^^^W^Mi^^i f& enable me to support the pangs

to my mind in the pints — but ^SSif[I% <-*^!^'^^k^' Jf °f starvation by procuring me

please yourself, of course. ^sgJL-^ ,.■./4< ffM $ the favour of a penny roll, if I

am not trespassing too much upon
your good-nature ?

[The Waiter, in a state of
extreme mystification and
alarm, departs to inform the
Manager.

The E. A.'s Waiter (reappearing with a small plated bowl,
champagne bottle and glass of lager.) I regred fery moch to haf
to dell you zat zere is only shust enough Bisque for von berson.

[He botes with ivell-bred concern.
The E. A. Confound it all! (To Guest.) Here, you 'c/ better take
this, now it's here. Afraid of it, eh ? Well, Bisque is apt to disagree
with some people. (To Waiter.) Give it to me, and bring this
gentleman some gravy soup, or whatever else you have ready. (He

Augustus. Well, you know, my dear, we were warned that the j busies himself ivith his Bisque, u-hile the Guest, in pure absence of
trout en papillotes might take some little time. I suppose (with \ mind, drinks the champagne with which the Waiter has filled his
mild jocularity)—it's a fashionable fish—wants to come in with a glass.) Here, what are you doing ? /didn't order lager. (Perceives
" little head sunning over with curls," as the poet says.

Horatia. Please don't make jokes of that sort—unless you wish to
destroy the little appetite I have left!

Augustus (penitently). Never mind—I won't do it again. Here's
our Waiter at last. Now we 're all right!

[The Waiter puts a dish down upon another table, and advances
with the air of a family friend who brings bad tidings.

Horatia. Will you kindly let us have that trout at once ?

The Waiter (bending down to Augustus ivith pity and sympathy).
Fery sory to dell you, esbecially after keebin you so long vaiting,
bot (thinks how he can break it most gently) ve lhaf zo many beople
bier to-day, and zey haf shust dold me in ze gitchen zere is no more
drout. Zis hote vedder ze drout, he vill nod stay !

Augustus (mildly). No, of course not—well, let me see, now, what
can you-?

The E. A. Here, you Kellner, come here, can't you ? What the-

Waiter (to Augustus). Von minute. I gom back bresently. (To
E. A.) You vant your pill, Sir, yes ?

The E. A. (exploding). My bill! Confound it! I want some-
thing to eat first. When is that Bisque coming ?

_ Waiter. Ach, peg your bardon, ve haf peen so pusy all day. Your
Bisque vill pe retty diregly. I go to vetch him. [He goes.

the mistake.) Oh, vou've changed your mind, have you? (To
Guest.) All right, of course, only it's a pity you couldn't say so at
once. (To W.) Another pint of Pommery, and take this lager
stuff away. (Exit W.; the unfortunate Guest, in attempting to pass
the bottle, contrives to decant it into his host's soup.) Hullo, what
the—there—(controlling himself). You might have left me the soup,
at all events! Well—well—it's no use saying anymore about it.
I suppose I shall get something to eat some day.

[General tumult from several tables ; appeals to the Waiters, who
lose their heads and upbraid one another in their own tongue ;
Hoeatia threatens bitterly to go in search of buns and lemonade
at a Refreshment Bar. Sudden and timely appearance of
energetic Manager ; explanations, apologies, promises. Magic
and instantaneous production of everybody's dinner. Appetite
and anger appeased, as Scene closes in.
N.B.—Mr. Punch wishes it to be understood that the above sketch

is not intended as a reflection upon any of the deservedly popular

restaurants existing at present in either exhibition.

Legal axd Military.—" Ancient Lights."—Retired Lancers.