Punch: Punch (101.1891)

July 18, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 27

JOLLY JULY.

The storm of rain comes swirling1 down,

Our helpless flow'rets droop and die;
The thunder crashes o'er the town—•
In wet July.

Our cricket-match is spoilt, the stumps

We draw beneath a drenching sky ;
Then homeward wend in doleful dumps—
In wet July.

The lawn's a lake, whereon there float
The balls that erst would o'er it fly;
We can't play tennis from a boat,
In wet July.

Our garden-party's ruined quite,
Of invitations friends tight shy ;
They wisely shun the sloppy sight
In wet July.

Take that old aneroid away,

A new barometer we '11 try :
With hope for haply one fine day—
In wet July.

Beating the Record.—Mrs. Malapkop's
"Cerberus, as three single gentlemen rolled
into one," was "not in it" last week with
H. R. H. the Prince of Wales, who, in the
course of the Royal Entertainments given to
our Imperial Cousin-German, appeared as
" a host of illustrious personages." An ad-
mirable performance.

A Nursery Echo from Carlow.

Parnell put the Kettle on,

Tin: Healy came it rather strong,
Hammond was the people's man,
And he's now M.P.

IN DESPERATE STRAITS.

Jones {Blue Ribbon—to abstemious Lady he has taken in to dinner). "Look here, Madam,
we don't seem to be getting on a bit! Either you must have a Glass of Cham-
pagne, or, by jove, / must ! ! "

ALICE IN THUNDERLAND.

Alice . . . The Th-nd-r-e. White Queen . . . H-rc-rt.
Red Queen . . . Ch-mb-rl-nt.

" I'll tell you what it is, your Majesty," said Alice in a severe
tone (she was always rather fond of scolding the White Queen).
'' it '11 never do to swagger about all over the place like that.
Dignitaries have to be dignihed, you know!

"Can you do addition?" the Red Queen asked scornfully of the
White. ("Bah, she can't do sums a bit!" she added, aside.)

"She is doubtless better at Division" interposed Alice, signi-
ficantly.

"Divide a State by a Statutory Parliament," _ said the Red
Queen, with a derisive wink. "What's the right answer to
that?"

"Much the same as dividing a Nation by an indefinite number
of Councils," retorted the White Queen, smartly. " Talk about tu

Everything was happening so oddly (since Thunderland had quoques, there's one for 5-ou !
turned against Blunderland) that she didn't feel a bit surprised at "Oh, as for that," rejoined the Red Queen, sniffing, "try
finding the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting close to her, another subtraction sum ! Take a Grand Old Leader from a ' Party'
one on each side. But she found it rather difficult to be quite civil ! of discredited 4 Items,' and what would remain ? "
to them—especially the White Queen, who had once been rather a "Why, a Policy, of course," replied the White Queen. "And
favourite with her, but at whom she now never lost an opportunity another Leader," she added, sotto voce. " Here's another for you"
of girding. ; she pursued, aloud. " Take a Liberal-Unionist Tail from a Radical

'Always speak the truth," said the Red Queen (cocking her ' Rat,'what would remain then ? "
nose at the White)—"think before you speak—and Write it down "I suppose you think nothing would remain," sneered the Red

afterwards. It's safest, if you 're dealing with some persons

Queen.

That's just what I complain of," said the White Queen, loftily. "Wrong, as usual," said the White Queen; "the R.at's nasty

"You couldn't tell the truth—about that Table—if you tried with
both hands."

temper would remain.
But I don't see how!

icil

I don't tell the truth with my hands," the Red Queen objected, " Why, look here," the White Queen cried ; " the Rat would lose

its temper with its ' tail,' wouldn't it

Nobody said you did," said the White Queen. " Nobody said " Perhaps it would," Alice replied, cautiously,
you told it anyhow. I said you couldn't if you tried. And you j " Then, if the ' Rat' went away from its 'Tail,' its temper would

' " ; tdtti m n "

donH try either. So there

" She's in that state of mind," said the Red Queen, "that she
wants to deny something—only she doesn't know what to deny ! "

" A nasty vicious temper," the White Queen remarked ; and then
there was an uncomfortable silence for a month or two.

The White Queen broke the silence by saying to the Red Queen,
" I invite you to Alice's Party—which used to be neutral ground—
to explain, if you can, that nondescript nonsense of yours about
National Councils as a substitute for Home Rule."

The Red Queen smiled sourly, and said, " And I invite you."
(i "I didn't know 7 was to have a Party at all," said Alice.
"Parties are things I don't hold with, as a rule; too great a tax
and a tie. I like my freedom, I do. But, if I am to have one,
I think / ought to invite the guests."

"Alice of Thunderland, you require some lessons in manners,"
the White Queen remarked.

" Manners are not taught in lessons," said Alice. "Lessons teach
some people to do sums, and things of that sort,"

remain," the White Queen exclaimed.

Alice said, as gravely as she could, "They might go different
ways—the ' Rat,' the 1 Tail,' and the ' Temper."' " But she couldn't
help thinking to herself, " What dreadful nonsense we are talking ! "

The Only One.—A ready-penning writer in his Daily Graphic
notice of doings in the Houses of Parliament, winds up his descrip-
tion of giving the Royal Assent to Bills in the Upper House with
these words— So ends the ceremony, which seems to take one away
from the Nineteenth Century"—a little sum in subtraction—i.e.,
take one away from the Nineteenth Century, and the Eighteenth
Century remains; but to continue—"back to the days of the
Edwards and the Henrys." But why go back to any other century
than the "so-called Nineteenth"? Isn't it only a very few years
ago that the Edwards, the singular Henry with plural surname of
Edwards, sat for ,Weymouth ? What other Henhys or Edwards
could ever occur to any well-conditioned Parliamentary scribe ?