Punch: Punch (101.1891)

August 1, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

51

thousand copies of Punch that were yesterday seized at
the frontier P

Sub. I have, my Lord !

Bus. Big. {icith fiendish glee). To Siberia "with them !
Come, help me to post them !

Sub. {trembling). But, my Lord, should Punch be
read by the political prisoners who lie covered with
chains in the secret mines under the lowest mountain
in the Czar's dominions ? What then?

Rus. Big. {in an awesome ichisper). Mark me well!
In the present pitiable state of the prisoners, such a feast
of mirth-compelling waggery would kill them—yes, kill
them—with laughter !

[Exeunt stealthily to put this craftily-conceived plot
into guilty execution.

A NEW LEADEK.

["At present the followers are obliged to be amiable because
the Leader is amiable. Under the Leader I suggest they would
be less amiable, and would be at liberty to say stronger things.''
—Mr. Atkinson, M.P., in the Home of Commons.]

Chorus of Amiable Tories.

Hear ! hear! Mr. A. We are amiable too,
For we follow our amiable Leader, like you ;
But when forced to say, " Bless you ! " we choke with our
spleen,

And we add, sotto voce, " You know what I mean."
"While we sit spick and span as a picture by Fetth,
And contend with our feelings, to please Mr. Smith.

Oh, we pule and we prate, we are nerveless and weak,

And we swallow, like Pistol, the odorous leek.

We palter with truth, and we natter our foes,

And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose.

We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith,

For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. Smith.

Time was when a Member who hated the Celt

Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt.

He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length,

Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength.

But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith,

While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. Smith.

So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then,
With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men ■
We shall always retort with a sting when we 're stung,

GENUS IRRITABILE.

First Bard. "Seen my Sonnets in the Pacific Weekly
Second Bard. ''Yes." First Bard. "Like them V
Second Bard. "Well—a—candidly—I-"

With the bees in our bonnet, the L)'s on our tongue. First Bard. "Oh, if it comes to that, candidly I always hated yoxjb

And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth, I beastly Ballades and Rondels and Rot in the Freciitheitm — bi t I had
When an Atkinson stands in the shoes of a Smith." | the decency not to Tell you so ! "

TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION.

THE OPTIMIST.

The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared.

It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of
defence—the Army.

The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were
met with such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery,
that they had to abandon the attempt in despair—at least for
awhile. They retired for the night, and on the following morn-
ing were in front of Westgate-on-Sea. It was then found how wise
the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation.
Feeling sure that the forces of the Crown would be ample to beat
back any hostile attempt to seize a town the centre of one of the best
of charities (St. Michael's Convalescent Home), the Committee had
deprecated the suggestion of erecting extensive fortifications.
Practically Westgate was without walls. But there was a better
defence than brickwork. The Av thorities had not been idle during
the night, having utilised the pause in the war to bring up
two magnificent battalions of Militia—the 7th Rifle Brigade and the
4th Cheshire Regiment. Thus when the enemy succeeded in effect-
ing a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very fiower
of the British Army. In ten minutes the hostile host were crumpled
up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat.

During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed
to land in England, and were speedily exterminated. The contract
given out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means
°f n*a^™S tnat contractor's fortune. Within ten days England was
absolutely free from invasion.

"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the
greatest tactician of the century.

"Surprised!" echoed the other. "Why it was what we all
expected from the first! "

THE PESSIMIST.

The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared.
It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of
defence—the Army.

The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they had
sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The
picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse Ar-
tilery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the following
morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of
Margate, the recently fortified port. It was then found how foolish
the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation.
Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their
command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every
village on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network
of bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these
elaborate preparations were valueless. ,The troops of the enemy
poured into Margate almost without opposition. The forts were
silenced in five minutes, and although on the following morning the
Household Brigade came to the rescue, the assistance thus afforded
was of no avail.

During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was
allowed to land in England, and were immediately victorious. The
contract for finding them lodgings in London made somebody's
fortune. Within a week England was grove Ring in the dust at the
feet of her conquerors.

"And are vou surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the
greatest tactician of the century.

"Surprised!" he echoed— why it was what we all expected
from the first! "

New Riddle (with the Old Answee).—Where was Isaacs
when the Balance-Sheet went out ?