Punch: Punch (101.1891)

70 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._[August 8, 1891.

AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION.

In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly written by
Sir Moeell Mackenzie, M.D., in The Fortnightly for this_ month,
the author quotes a verse from the old song of "Jim Collins" or,
as he writes it, "John Collins" (by way of proving that the drink
known by that name was originated by this individual), but quotes
it, to the best of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set
to the air of " Jenny Jones" and thus it ran :—

" My name is Jim Collixs,
'Ead-vaiter at Limmers',
The comer of Conduck Street,
'Anover Sq#are.

This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and the
ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars and extinct
Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and late nights, more
of the rough-and-ready "P. R." times, than the veneered version
for the drawing-room given us by Sir M. M., M.D. We may be
wrong, but—we don't think we are.

" And my hokkipashun
Is sarvin' out liquors
To such sportin' covies
As chance to come there."

THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.

(A Dream of the Dentist's Chair.)

AFTER LUNCH.

A Fancy Sketch, Copied from Cobb.

[" There are numerous instances of Members of the legal profession having
acquired habits of intemperance in consequence of the facilities for procuring
alcoholic drinks in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and
coffee."—Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts ]

Scene—Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2T5 p.m.
Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state more
easily imagined {by Mr. Cobb) than described.

Judge (thickly). What want t'know—what-do-next ? (Smiles.)
Very hot! Very hot indeed ! [Frowns.

First Q.C. (rising unsteadily). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain!
Case of Uroicn-xersus-Smith, should say—course — Smith-versus-
TJrown. (Smiles.) Absurd! Can't-say-more ! [Sits down abruptly.

Judge (angrily). Very irregular this ! Commit—contempt—Court!

Seco)id Q.C. (leaning luxuriously on desk). P'raps m' Lord let me
explain. Learned friend—drunk! [Disappears under his seat.

Judge (angrily, to Second Q. C.) So you! so everybody! (With
maudlin tenderness.) Must respect Court! (Savagely.) You are all
disgusting—disgustingly—'tosticated ! Adjourn—morrow mornin'.
Usher, brandy sodah ! [Scene closes in—fortunately !

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, July 27.—Quite like old times to-
night. Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended.
The victim is Atkinson, Member for Boston; been on the ram-
page all last week ; a terror to the Clerks'
table; haunting the Speaker's Chair, and
making the Sergeant-at-Anns's flesh creep.
Decidedly inconvenient to have a gentleman
with pale salmon neck-tie and white waist-
coat, suddenly popping his head round
Speaker's Chair, and crving, "Ah, ah!"
"No, you don't!" "Would you, then?"
and other discursive remarks. Curious how
Atkinson, indulging in these luxuries him-

The Man by the Window. 'Ere, dry up, Cruv'nor—'e ain't 'ad
enough to 'urt 'im, 'e ain't !

Chorus of Females (to O. G.). An' Bank 'Olidav, too—you orter
to be ashimed o' yerself, you ought ! 'E's as right as right, if vou
on'v let him alone !

Old Fred (to O. G.). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole ohoiner boy ' self hotly resents attempts by others to enjoy

(Says, dismally), " Ow ! for the vanished Spring-time ! Ow! for the fiKi^ioMv similar exotics of conversation Narrating

dyes gornboy I Ow ! fori!'.." changing the melody)—" 'omeless ■»«■ lus grievances just now, he dw. 11 with espe-

[ wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me—none ter caress! " IHKa "al fervour on one oi them. One of the

(Here he sheds tears, overcome In/ his „„'■„ ,,„//„„•, but ,,,-es, „C,. / - : fBM Clerks, he told the House, when I showed

cheers up.) " I dornce aU noight! An'I rowl'ome toight! I'm'a MmKWtm him a Motion, said Oh . oh [said,

rare-un at a roUick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man'ere |^B|flV M'on t say "Oh oh. tome,

ranter foight me ? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (To the 0. G., W&SRgMtW ,. ^ ty not asked Hankey, with that

who perspires freely.) Oh, I am enj'yin' myself direct, almost abrupt manner that becomes a

[He keeps up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for th, ITw'/ Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the

remainder of the journey, which—as the train stops every- lf/Wm "'-^ Consolidated Bank. \\ by notY Are you

where, and takes quite three-quarters of an hour in\ Pf //m - to have monopoly of this simple interjection !-

getting from Queen's Road, JBattersea, to Victoria- //f M Are you to appropriate all the O's m the

affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it / // #f a]Pbabet Is not a Clerk at the Table a man

somewhat modifies the 0. G.'s enthusiasm for the artless / / 'W0%'.' - a\ld a brother, and why maybe not, if the

gaieti/of a Bank Holiday. I / m-40*^~y 1 ldca cashes across his active brain, say,

1 Oh! oh!' ? "
That rather floored Atkinson; brought

On the Square " MIs^T him (so to speak) to his senses. Told me

afterwards he had never looked on matters

A Cheque-Mate's a husband who's found a good catch," " Xo Ihrnkey-Faukey {n that h>ht. Great advantage having a

So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck. with me." mau JJankey going round prepared at

les, and many^a close " matrimonial " match moment's notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict

Is won by " perpetual cheque." it in terse language. Sobering effect on Atkinson oulv momentarv.