Punch: Punch (101.1891)

October 10, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177

MONEY MAKES THE MAN.

(A Fragment from a Romance
dedicated by Mr. Punch to Mr.
Diggle.)

"It is entirely your own
fault," said the intruder, as he
put another silver tea-pot in his
bag.

"I don't see that at all," re-
plied the master of the house,
moTing uneasily in his chair.

"Well, I have not time to
argue with you," returned the
other, as he held up an enamelled
ship of beautiful workmanship.
"Dear me, this is really very
fine. I have never seen any-
thing like it before! What is
it?"

" I got it at a sale in Derby-
shire. I fancv it must be some-
thing like the old Battersea
enamel."

'' Very fine ! And solid silver,
too ! Well, in all my experience,
and I have been in the profes-
sion some twenty years, I have
seen nothing like it. Beautiful!
Lovely! "

'' If you had not tied my hands
behind my back," explained the
master of the house, " I could
show you, by lifting that lid, you
would see prettier subjects in
the interior of the vessel."

"You certainly tempt me,"
answered the intruder, to give
you an increased facility in
moving. But it is against my
rules. I always work in a me-
thodical manner, and one of my
regulations is, before I open the
safe, I must bind the master of
the house hand and foot in an
arm-chair. But what were we
talking about ? "

" You were saying," returned
the other, with a sigh, "that it was my own fault that I find myself
in this painful, this ruinous position] As a man of education I
cannot see how you can advance such a proposition."

"But that's the point. Iam not a man of education. I don't
know how to play the piano, and can scarcely manage a free-hand
sketch of a cathedral. My Greek is shakv, and I speak French and
German with an accent enough to drive a linguist mad. No, no, you
take my word for it—this little incident would never have happened
had you behaved wisely, and like a public-spirited citizen."

" What do you mean ? " asked the householder.

"Why, this, that if you had paid more to the School Board, I
would have received a better education, and have never been a
housebreaker. As it is, I am only making up the difference between
the sum you have paid, and the sum you should have expended."
_ And the burglar, helping himself to another silver tea-pot, con-
tinued his lucrative work.

FANCY PORTRAIT.

SIR W. V. HARCOURT,
The "Odd Fellow" Out.

THE MUSIC OF THE SPHERES.

The "true sphere of woman"—so Harrison says —

In effect—is the family circle. Some praise ;

But to geometricians it strange may appear,

For a " circle " is only a -part of a " sphere."

Since woman appeared at the wickets, some think

(Though male cricketers from the conclusion may shrink),

That the true " sphere " of woman must be, after all,

A leathern one—typed by a new cricket-ball.

Young girls think a " Ball " of another guess sort

Is the sphere in which woman may find truest sport.

To harmonise all these opinions, 'tis clear,

Is hard ; but, whatever be woman's true sphere,

Whether found in the dictum of " Positive" Harrison,

And what ladies call his " degrading comparison,"

Or otherwhere—this will be certainly found,

If you '11 let angry women alone they '11 " come round."

The Max for the Post."—Sir James Fergusson.

TALK FOR TRAVELLERS.

[" The German officials at the
frontier, since the relaxation of the
passport regulations, have been or-
dered to treat foreign passengers
with every politeness." — Jjaily
Papers.']

Mein Herr, will you do us
the honour to descend from the
railway-carriage ? It will be
merely a matter of form. We
need not disturb those gracious
ladies, your wife and daughters.

This is the best way to the
Customs. Touwill notice that
we have swept the path that
leads to the door.

Certainly, these arm-chairs
are for the use of passengers.
We have placed them there our-
selves, and can recommend them.

Is it asking too great a favour
to beg you to lend me the keys
of your boxes ? A hundred
thousand thanks.

Your explanation is absolutely
satisfactory. You are bringing
these sixteen unopened boxes of
cigars home for your grand-
mother. It is a most proper
thing to do, and, under the cir-
cumstances, the duty will be
remitted.

And these three hundred yards
of lace of various makes and
ages ? An heir-loom ! Indeed !
Then, of course, the packet must
pass duty-free,

As we have found nothing of
consequence in this portmanteau
of yours, it will be unnecessary
to search the nineteen boxes of
that gracious lady, your wife.
No doubt she has obeyed your
instruction not to smuggle. We
are absolutely satisfied with your
explanations, and are greatly
obliged to you for your kindness and condescension.

This is the way to the carriage. We have placed steps before the
door, as without a platform it is difficult to ascend.

No, Mein Herr, it is utterly impossible ! We are forbidden by the
Emperor himself to accept a gratuity.

Yes, Madam, it is indeed without charge. Do not tempt us.
Instant dismissal is the penalty.

Certainly, Mein Herr, you could get the same politeness before the
Emperor issued his Imperial instructions.
But then the charge was a thaler '

THE GREAT TWIN BRETHREN.

[" I do not wish to call Mr. Gladstone by a name which would be both
tasteless and pointless."—Mr. A. V. Dicey's 'Letter to the Times.]

Tasteless and pointless, Dicey ? Well, the time is out of joint,
And you were born to set it right, though not with "taste" and
"point."

We cannot all do all things, Sir, and if you save the State
(As the great Twin Brethren mean to in despite of Harcotjrt's hate),
What does it matter, Dicey, if your letters are not quite
In that style epistolary, which our fathers called "polite" ?
'Tis a little too meticulous—in you—and rather late,
After giving Mr. Gladstone such a wholesome slashing " slate."
Take heart of grace, dear Dicey, and don't let Sir William's "point"
In your tough (if tasteless) armour find a vulnerable joint.
" Old Timber toes" won't trouble, Sir, to wish that you were dead,
And his taste {not point) forbids him to call you '' Old Wooden-
head !" ■/ ■ ■ : -. ■ ■

Keep Watch !

[A Visitor fishing off Deal Pier brought up a gold watch and chain on his
hook. It is supposed to be one lost by a resident, but the lucky angler has
not been seen since.]

Paradoxical portent! Most worthy of rhyme

Is this fortunate angler who tried to kill time.

Fate made him the offer, and, wisely, he book'd it;

He not only killed time, but he caught it,—and " hook'd it."